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Before war, I only knew of the pain my heart endured, but with all that I know now, I know just how less painful it was while you were gone during the war and just how more pain my heart endured after war. I, a mistress to him being married to the military was the easiest part of my journey and with the twisting of paths we remained best friends and as the journey progressed with its never ending of winding roads, somewhere between war and peace I became your enemy.
I never ever processed why it was you brought that war home with you. I never gathered my sources as to why I have become that war. What it was that I did wrong or why I wasn't worthy of your forgiveness, for I had forgiven so many things. I cannot seem to pinpoint why it is I am continually punished by being robbed of my happiness. It was painful enough to watch you fade from my life that my core cannot be shattered by you anymore.
Five years ago, I was mesmorized by a face, comsuming his beauty, his purity, his constant need for guidance, love and care. I studied the depths of his cerulean eyes as he tearlessly cried for taking him out of the only place he knew of that was safe, warm and peaceful. Finding his own identity, establishing a relationship with himself and a lifetime journey of perfecting his personality. The confusion he must've felt, the sadness he must've endured and the fear in which he was now consumed with, because his journey did not start within my womb, it started the moment he was given to me.
The bond a mother has for her child can neither be created nor completely destroyed. It is given. And one must earn it, it is not automatic and its recipe is made with trust, tolerance, guidance, love and above all else, sacrifice.
If you have completely sacrificed yourself, be it to another human being or war, you create a bond with it and it is hard to break that bond even if you are forced to be free of it.
War defeats one thing, the intolerance of intolerant its only cure is to be tolerant of the intolerant. A mother's bond with her child is a lot like a soldiers bond to its country and you just can't break free from it, because the bond was given through trust, tolerance, guidance, love and above all else, sacrifice.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rDERct1g9JQ&feature=youtu.be&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DrDERct1g9JQ%26feature%3Dyoutu.be
Although I am no longer an Army wife. I still hold so much respect for those who are. And it isn't just only us spouses that go through these trying times it is family, friends and other significant others. And I hope that whatever you take from my story, it carries you through these difficult times in life.
"The hardest thing next to being a soldier, airman, sailor and marine, is loving one."
To love someone with who has been diagnosed with PTSD has been rather difficult for me. I don't have the best patience in the world. And from what I hear its normal for someone to become distant and detached. And as hard as that is for me to deal with let alone understand, I've come to realize that I must be patient. But, while being patient, I am left to my own feelings. Left to cope with the feelings of sadness, my own loneliness and above all, the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. Which to me is the hardest of all to deal with. You're left feeling insecure and unsure of how it is they feel about you. You seem to question that the most. You don't call, because you're still trying to linger onto the last time they spoke the words, "I Love You" to you, because its the only reassurance you have till the next phone call comes.
No one said it was going to be this hard. Perhaps, they did tell me and I just didn't listen, because somewhere in my daily hectic life, being both parents to our son and playing the major role, I had convinced myself that I was super woman. It wasn't until all this, I realized even I am fragile. That these obstacles that were set before me are harder than I realize and now I can only look at these obstacles, because they're too difficult to get around. If I climb over them, my legs fall short. If I walk around them, my feet stumble. There isn't anyway around them, although made of glass, walking through them will only tear at my insides until there is nothing left of me. So, for now all I can do is look on. Look though them. Look around them. And look at them. The more I try, the more patience I lose. And the more patience I lose, the less likely I'll build up my armor to tackle them. My legs will fall short and my feet will stumble. Time is on our side and the more patient I am, the better tackler I become.
Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I wrong to feel the pain?
My Eyes Are Green.
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How do I know I'm deeply in love?
Because the very thought of sharing you, makes me jealous. Perhaps some would call me crazy for being jealous of your friends. Perhaps they're not completely wrong. But, it is really hard to watch on as you give your attention to your friends, the same attention that I thirst for. Its hard to watch as everyone drinks from you. My thirst is left dangling in the palm of your hand and the more I feel you losing your grasp, the more I try to hang on. The more you're out of reach, the more I long for you to pick me up. All I want is a little taste but all I get are my own salty tears. Others try to wipe the tears and offer me a taste of them, but it isn't what I want, because I know without tasting, that they're bitter. For its your taste I crave. Its your taste that is sweet in my mouth. None other can compare to the flavor of you.
