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Cannibal's blog: "Breath"

created on 04/24/2009  |  http://fubar.com/breath/b292426

I am failing as a mother!  My son angers me at every turn, I cannot seem to get him to do his work and when he does it is sloppy and illegible.  I lost it tonight, I am ready to fucking break!  3hrs he sits at the dining room table working on his math homework, or supposedly does.  I go to check it and he has done 1 fucking page! 1 fucking page!  He is incredibly fucking smart..there is no excuse, except my short comings as a mother!  As he sobs in the shower, come tomorrow he will turn in his homework incomplete...he is in FUcKING GATE CLASS!  I don't know what to do, I have removed all his pleasures (DS, Legos and comic books) I have nothing left to take..I cannot  give him back a privilege or reward him for not doing what he is suppose to.  I find out last night that the night before at back to school night, he put a kid in a choke hold and didn't bring home the principals note..so I was pissed last night and made him clean his room..instead of homework.  Tonight, he was to finish his homework, instead he fucked off right in front of me....making it look like he was working.  I feel like a total fucking failure..as I am failing him as a mother..and he will fail because of my parental inadequacies!  I don't know what the fuck to do!  I leave work and pick him & his sister up from school, come home start dinner while he does homework..or pretends to..his sister is banished to the bedroom to watch TV as it cannot be on in the living room for he will listen to it and fuck off more!  I am cussing a lot, I need to find a way to vent my frustration and anger..I need to redirect it away from him I think..it is not doing either one of us any good!  I love my children and have great regret for putting my own needs in front of what could have been theirs..I chose to leave their father and house where they had a huge yard and neighborhood friends to play with..I made that choice for them, I made the choice to remove them from that household..I thought I was doing the right thing, I though it would be better for them to have a happy mother around them..although I am rethinking this decision and maybe I should have sought medication to get me through the miserable life of being a married single mom!  Their father was useless as a father, however we lived in a nice neighborhood and I could have been home with them in the afternoons instead of daycare :( I have failed miserably as a mother..I thought that it was worse to have them in an unloving home..but now I wonder, maybe it would have been better, at least I would have more time to assist them and actually play with them..I have lost touch with my children, they are growing up and I don't know them anymore.  My children are missing out on what should be the best time of their life, carefree and fun..instead it is blanketed with poverty and struggling as I don't have the means to provide simple luxuries as a fucking yard to play in.  We live in a duplex with a small courtyard...and are lucky I can provide this.  I have robbed them of an easier childhood in Texas..I am a total failure..40 yrs old and have nothing but debt!  At 30 I had just surpassed the 100k mark annually and was living quite well..now I have to pay the rent in 2 payments..I cannot fill up my gas tank and am stuck in the job I took when I got back to LA..I don't know what to do..my professional stock plummeted after being out of the market for 6yrs..I make 1/3 of what I did previously and pay 4x in rent what I did for a mortgage..what the fuck..like my life was not hard enough growing up? It is official..my life at the moment sucks ass!  And I have 2 wonderful children who need a Mom,  however I am at best a part time Mom barely getting by..I try to remind myself there are a million others that would trade with me in a flash..

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