My LaDy AnGeLFaCe's blog: "ANGELFACE"

i remember the days when criminals were either fined or sent to prison. 1. fashion policed last year in delaware a superior court judge sentenced russell teeter to 60 days in jail for exposing himself to a 10 year old girl. obviously not believing this to be punishment enough (more jail time?) the judge also demanded that mr teeter wear a t-shirt bearing the statement ‘i am a registered sex offender’ to work for 2 years. 2. toothbrush justice just last month a 73 year old man was caught taking metal from scrapyards under false pretenses. he told yard owners that the metal donations would be used to build a memorial for soldiers in iraq only to sell the metal and pocket the cash. judge a.t. frank decided that philip kolinski’s sentence should include cleaning the war memorial outside the governmental centre using a toothbrush. he was also accompanied by a placard saying ‘i stole from veterans’. genius. 3. dishing out a sentence 19 year old donna shelby went out for a meal at a local restaurant in august 2006 and then decided that she didn’t want to pay for the food. so she got up and ran from the building. when the case reached court the judge, after apparently finding no other punishment to fit the crime, ordered the diner-dasher to spend a day in the kitchen of the local jail washing the convicts’ dishes. judge chichester, who’s possibly a bit mental, claimed he came up with the idea after remembering a tv show where characters had to wash dishes in the restaurant to cover their food bill. 4. whiskey plates if you happen to be driving around minnesota i advise you to watch out for vehicles with license plates that start with the letter ‘w’. any person convicted of drunk driving more than once is given one of these special ‘whiskey plates’ in order to let the public and authorities know of their previous convictions. dunno about you but i can see this causing a few accidents as sober drivers try to keep as far away as possible for fear of injury. 5. the annual prison day-trip this one’s slightly fucked up. in 2004, a woman named tiffany nix drove into and killed a schoolchild whilst on opiates and amphetamines. the judge, rather than locking her up for a considerable period of time, sentenced nix to 10 seperate jail sentences of 1 day each on the anniversary of the child’s death, her last day in prison being september 28th, 2015. the child’s parents were said to be happy with the sentence. 6. a fowl sentence judge michael cicconetti in ohio ordered 3 men to stand outside a court wearing chicken suits holding a sign that read ‘no chicken ranch in painesville’ after they were caught soliciting women for sex. the chicken suit is apparently a reference to a huge legal whorehouse in nevada called the chicken ranch. the men were caught after they tried to pay an undercover police officer to do the dirty. there’s a bbc news report to watch that includes a brief interview with one of the chickens here. 7. if you go down to the woods today… in 2005, a heartless twat by the name of michelle murray abandoned 35 kittens in 2 seperate parks in ohio. when rangers discovered the kittens many had infections and 9 later died. as part of the sentence, the judge had ms murray taken to a remote location in the woods where she was left for 1 night without food, water and entertainment. whilst sentencing murray, the judge apparently said, “how would you like to be dumped off at a metro park late at night, spend the night listening to the coyotes … , listening to the raccoons around you in the dark night, and sit out there in the cold not knowing where you’re going to get your next meal, not knowing when you are going to be rescued?”. fuck that! he should have said, “how would you like to be dumped off at park when you’re too small to fend for yourself only to die a few days later?” and then had her shot. 8. swine! and finally, my favourite. to punish a man who called a policeman a ‘pig’, the same judge that presided over the chicken case, michael cicconetti, made a man stand next to a real pig for a day whilst holding a sign that read, ‘this is not a police officer’. beautiful.

* Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?" * Witness: "I only have one, you know." * Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?" * Witness: "By death." * Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?" * Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?" The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail. * Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?" * Witness: "July 15th." * Lawyer: "What year?" * Witness: "Every year." * Lawyer: "Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?" * Witness: "There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet." * Lawyer: "Can you identify the rifle?" * Witness: "Yes. There was something written on the side of it." * Lawyer: "And what did the writing say?" * Witness: "'Winchester'!" * Lawyer: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?" * Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks." * Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?" * Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask." * Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?" * Witness: "Er...his face." * Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?" * Witness: "Yes." * Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?" * Witness: "I forget." * Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?" * Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?" * Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which." * Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?" * Witness: "Forty-five years." * Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?" * Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'" * Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?" * Witness: "My name is Susan." * Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?" * Witness: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think." * Lawyer: "Did you blow your horn or anything?" * Witness: "After the accident?" * Lawyer: "Before the accident." * Witness: "Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it." * Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?" * Witness: "Yes." * Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?" * Witness: "Yes, sir." * Lawyer: "What did she say?" * Witness: "'What disco am I at?'" * Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere." * Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" * Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?" * Officer: "Yes, I do." * Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?" * Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly." * Lawyer: "What happened then?" * Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'" * Lawyer: "Did he kill you?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--" * Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment." * Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" * Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?" * Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?" * Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?" * Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?" * Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard." * Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?" * Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" * Witness: "I went to Europe, sir." * Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?" * Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture." * Witness: "That's me." * Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?" * Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?" * Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?" * Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8." * Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?" * Witness: "Yes." * Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?" * Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?" * Witness: "Four times." * Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?" * Lawyer: "She had three children, right?" * Witness: "Yes." * Lawyer: "How many were boys?" * Witness: "None." * Lawyer: "Were there girls?" * Lawyer: "You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?" * Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?" * Witness: "Yes." * Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?" * Lawyer: "Have you lived in this town all your life?" * Witness: "Not yet." * Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." * Lawyer: "Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?" * Witness: "It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm." * Lawyer: "And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?" * Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?" * Witness: "Borofkin." * Lawyer: "What's his first name?" * Witness: "I can't remember." * Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?" * Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!" * Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?" * Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. * Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?" * Witness: "I refuse to answer that question. * Lawyer: "Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?" * Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region." * Lawyer: "What is your marital status?" * Witness: "Fair." * Lawyer: "Are you married?" * Witness: "No, I'm divorced." * Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?" * Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about." * Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?" * Witness: "My ex-widow said it. * Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?" * Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good." * Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" * Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people." * Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?" * Witness: "Yes sir." * Lawyer: "Before or after he died?" * Lawyer: "Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" * Witness: "No. This is how I dress when I go to work." * The Court: "Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any." * Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?" * Witness: "No." * Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?" * Witness: "Picking them up in the air." * Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?" * Witness: "Attached to the ears." * Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?" * Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot." * Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?" * Witness: "Oral." * Lawyer: "How old are you?" * Witness: "Oral." * Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?" * Witness: "She is my daughter." * Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?" * Lawyer: "Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?" * Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?" * Lawyer: "And what did he do then?" * Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead." * Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?" * Lawyer: "Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?" * Witness: "He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture." * Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?" * Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital." * Lawyer: "It was covered?" * Witness: "Yes, bandaged." * Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?" * Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head." * Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?" * Witness: "I could see his head." * Lawyer: "And where was his head?" * Witness: "Just above his shoulders." * Lawyer: "Do you drink when you're on duty?" * Witness: "I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk." * Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?" * Witness: "The victim lived." * Lawyer: "The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas." * Witness: "No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval." * Lawyer: "Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?" * Witness: "Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words."

AUDI Accelerates Under Demonic Influence BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLET Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIAT Failure in Italian Automotive Technology FORD First On Rust and Deterioration GM General Maintenance GMC Garage Man's Companion HONDA Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.. HUMMER Huge Ultra-Magnificent Mega-Expensive Ride HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive . . .. MAZDA Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along OLDSMOBILE Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.. PROTON Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel On-road Nowadays.. SAAB Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.. TOYOTA Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto VOLVO Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object VW Virtually Worthless

SHIT FACT Ever wonder where the word SHIT comes from? Well, here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Bet you didn't know the history of that word. Neither did we. We always thought it was a golf term.

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Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

A--Accept Accept others for who they are and for the choices they've made even if you have difficulty understanding their beliefs, motives, or actions. B--Break Away Break away from everything that stands in the way of what you hope to accomplish with your life. C--Create Create a family of friends whom you can share your hopes, dreams, sorrows, and happiness with. D--Decide Decide that you'll be successful and happy come what may, and good things will find you. The roadblocks are only minor obstacles along the way. E--Explore Explore and experiment. The world has much to offer, and you have much to give. And every time you try something new, you'll learn more about yourself. F--Forgive Forgive and forget. Grudges only weigh you down and inspire unhappiness and grief. Soar above it, and remember that everyone makes mistakes. G--Grow Leave the childhood monsters behind. They can no longer hurt you or stand in your way. H--Hope Hope for the best and never forget that anything is possible as long as you remain dedicated to the task. I--Ignore Ignore the negative voice inside your head. Focus instead on your goals and remember your accomplishments. Your past success is only a small inkling of what the future holds. J--Journey Journey to new worlds, new possibilities, by remaining open-minded. Try to learn something new every day, and you'll grow. K--Know Know that no matter how bad things seem, they'll always get better. The warmth of spring always follows the harshest winter. L--Love Let love fill your heart instead of hate. When hate is in your heart, there's room for nothing else, but when love is in your heart, there's room for endless happiness. M--Manage Manage your time and your expenses wisely, and you'll suffer less stress and worry. Then you'll be able to focus on the important things in life. N--Notice Never ignore the poor, infirm, helpless, weak, or suffering. Offer your assistance when possible, and always your kindness and understanding. O--Open Open your eyes and take in all the beauty around you. Even during the worst of times, there's still much to be thankful for. P--Play Never forget to have fun along the way. Success means nothing without happiness. Q--Question Ask many questions, because you're here to learn. R--Relax Refuse to let worry and stress rule your life, and remember that things always have a way of working out in the end. S--Share Share your talent, skills, knowledge, and time with others. Everything that you invest in others will return to you many times over. T--Try Even when your dreams seem impossible to reach, try anyway. You'll be amazed by what you can accomplish. U--Use Use your gifts to your best ability. Talent that's wasted has no value. Talent that's used will bring unexpected rewards. V--Value Value the friends and family members who've supported and encouraged you, and be there for them as well. W--Work Work hard every day to be the best person you can be, but never feel guilty if you fall short of your goals. Every sunrise offers a second chance. X--X-Ray Look deep inside the hearts of those around you and you'll see the goodness and beauty within. Y--Yield Yield to commitment. If you stay on track and remain dedicated, you'll find success at the end of the road. Z--Zoom Zoom to a happy place when bad memories or sorrow rears its ugly head. Let nothing interfere with your goals. Instead, focus on your abilities, your dreams, and a brighter tomorrow.