Angel from your nightmare Blog by Angel from Down under
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1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out. 2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation. 3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up. 4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault. 5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice. 6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you. 7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it. 8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling. 9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you. 10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing. 11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself. 12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor. 13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there. 14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted. 15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads. 16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall". 17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High. 18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy. 19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun. 20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking. 21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt. 22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out. 23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either. 24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work. 25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move. 26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier. 27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it. 28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen? 29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one. 30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time. 31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis. 32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them. 33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess. 34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view. 35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory. 36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it. 37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters. 38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Knowthe difference). 39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water. 40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw. 41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores. 42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't. 43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of fulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego. 44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you. 45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises. 46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash. 47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be. 48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it. 49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok. 50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
*Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. We rarely use beautiful. If a guy uses that, he likes you a whole hell of a lot. *"Hey, are you busy?" or "Are you doing something?" ~ two phrases guys open with to stop from stammering on the phone. *Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about. *Before they call, guys try to plan out a little about what they're gonna say so there aren't awkward pauses, but once he's on the phone he forgets it all and makes it up as he goes. *Guys go crazy over a girl's smile. *Guys will do anything just to get you to notice him. *Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend or ex love-interest. Unless they're goin for the let-her-complain-to-you-and-then-have-her-realize-how-wonderful-and-nice-you-are method. *A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to. *Boyfriends need to be reassured often that they're still loved. *Don't talk about your guy friends to your boyfriend. *Guys get jealous easily. *Guys are more emotional than they'd like people to think. *Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out. *Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like. *Guys hate asking parents for money to buy girls presents. So they come up with ideas like saving their lunch money for a week. But it never works because guys are always hungry so they end up asking the parents for money anyway. *Girls are guys' weaknesses. *Guys are very open about themselves. *It's good to test a guy first before you trust him. But don't let him wait too long. *Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend. *If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice. *A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you. *Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships. *Guys will brag about anything. *Guys think WAY too much. One small thing a girl does, even if she doesn't notice it can make the guy think about it for hours, trying to figure out what it meant. *Guys seek for advice from girls not other guys. Because most guys think alike, so if one guy's confused, then we're all confused. *Any guy could write out a rulebook or advice book for flirting, but no guy can write out a book about relationships. *Try to be as straightforward as possible. *A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted never been in love and hurt, he won't be mature and grown up. *If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl. *Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience. *Guys worry about the thin line between being compassionate and being whipped. *If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and is spazzing inside. *When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is. Guys rarely say that. *When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me." *Guys don't really have final decisions. *If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up. *If your best guy friend seems to avoid you or is never around when you're with your boyfriend, he's probably jealous and likes you. *When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking something. *Guys like femininity not feebleness. *Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do. *A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes. *Don't be a snob. Guys can be intimidated and give up easily. *Everything in moderation. Put on makeup, wear perfume. Just not too much. *Guys talk about girls more than girls talk about guys. *Guys hate rejection, but they hate being led on even more. *Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them. *No guy can handle all his problems on his own. He's just too stubborn to admit it. *Not all guys are assholes. Just because ONE is a jackass doesnt mean he represents ALL of us. *We don't like girls who are too skinny. *Always make sure you know what kind of stuff your getting into before making out with a guy ...like wheather it's a one time deal or not .... *Believe it or not shy guys are the most easiest to talk to..it may not seem right but trust me they will start opening up like books after you just ask them questions about their lives and unoticable tell them about yours... *Even if they refuse it all guys are ticklish on the ribs.. *Guys love neck rubs and if he lets you keep doing it ..it means that he really likes you or his neck really hurts... *Guys will test the waters to see how far they can get with you. Even if he doesn't intend to it will happen. Know how far it is you want to let him go and he will respect that...after you let him know a couple times. *When a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to be with you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.
Blowjob Etiquette (by a female) 1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag. 16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Man's thoughts on Fellatio aka Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male) 1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up! 6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me. 7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country. 8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We like that! 12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep". 13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
A woman complains to ehr friend that her hubbie is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation. Her friend tells her that to win his love, she must make more effort (like watching more footie?) She advises her to cook her man a slap up meal and then send him drinking down the pub with his pals. When he returns, she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her man returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear he tells her to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a hand stand against the bedroom mirror and open her legs. This excites the woman immensely as her hubbie has never been this erotic before. She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says, " No, no..... maybe the lads are right. A beard wouldnt suit me".
1999 TAX ALERT- PENIS TAXES The only thing that the ATO has not yet taxed is the male penis. this is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that it has two dependents and they are both nuts. Effective July 1, 1999 your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10-12" Luxury tax $30 8-10" Pole tax $25 5-8" Privilege tax $15 4-5" Nuisance tax $3 Males exceeding 12" must tile under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that 2. Ahhhhh its cute 3. Why dont we just cuddle 4. You know they have surgery to fix that 5. Make it dance 6. Can i paint a smiley face on it 7. Wow, and your feetare so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. will it sqeak if i sqeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headach 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can i be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. Maybe if we water it, it will grow 15. Why is god punishing me? 16. At least this wont take long 17. i never saw one like that before 18. But it still works, right? 19. It looks so unused. 20. Maybe it looks better in antural light. 21. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes? 22. Are you cold? 23. If u get me real drunk first. 24. Is that an optical illusion? 25. what is that? 26. Its a good thing you have so many other tallents. 27. Does it come with an air pump? 28. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality 29. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
Banana Cake Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 loving arms 2 shapely legs 2 Firm milk containers 1 Fur covered mixing bowl 1 Banana 2 Firm nuts Method: Look into the laughing eyes. Seperate legs and then sqeeze till fur covered mixing bowl is well greased, checking frequently with middle finger. Add banana, gently working in and out until well cleaned. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief. Cake is well done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash utensils and dont lick the bowl. Caution: If cake rises, leave town quickly!!!
An Anagram as you all know is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. When you re-arrange the letters: Dormtory ~ Dirty Room Evangelist ~ Evils Agent Desperation ~ A rope ends it The morse code ~ Here come Dots Slot machines ~ Cash lost in 'em Animosity ~ Is no amity Mother-in-law ~ Woman Hitler Semolina ~ Is no meal the public art galleries ~ Large picture halls i bet And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA It can be re-arranged with no letters left over, and using each leter only once into: TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
At first i was afraid, i was petrified By the ugly wanker that was lying by myside i would've drunk alittle less, i would've tried to keep my head If I'd known for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed.... I tried to go, walk out the door But i laughed so hard at your small knob I've fallen on the floor Your butts a pimply mess, its just a broken- out disgrace, But i'd rather look at that, than at your fucking ugly face.....! i want to go, i've got to leave Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave i only know i've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer Coz when i looked at you last night, you looked just like that Richard gere! i cant believe, that we both shagged. you should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged. I'm fucking off right now, I'm jumping on the flipping train and im not stopping till I'm home and washed your greeblies down the drain. Please let me go, i feel quite sick, We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly prick i should have shagged your gorgeous mate, atleast he's got a lovely flat But no i go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, you twat. Its time to go, run out the door. You look so ugly it should really be against the law. I'm going to give up all the booze, im going to have no stupid fun Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!
roses are red Lemons are sour Open ur legs and give me an hour Kissing Is A Habit Fucking Is A Game Guys Get All The Pleasure Girls Get All The Pain 10 Minutes Of Pleasure 9 Months Of Pain 3 Days In The Hospital A Baby Without A Name The Baby Is A Bastard The Mother Is A Whore This Woulda Never Happend If The Rubber Hadn't Tore!! Sex is like math You subtract the clothes Add the bed Divide the legs And Pray to god You dont multiply Roses are red Grass is green Open your legs And I'll fill you with cream Hickory dickory dock This bitch was suckin my cock The clock struck two I dumped my goo And dumped her to the end of the block Sex is good Sex is fine Doggy Style & 69 Just for fun Or gettin paid Everyone likes gettin laid Sex is evil Sex is a sin Sins are forgiven So stick it in!!! u opened it so u r cursed for 5 yrs. u need to read it ENTIRELY!! roses are nice violets are fine. ill be the six if you be the nine.
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