I find as I get older and my ideals, morals, and ethics seem to be ever changing that I find myself surrounded by people who I thought were nothing like me. There is no one with my common sense or logic. Yet they keep making themselves known. I have always marched to a different drummer, wanted to do my own thing and never settle. Always there for everyone, so caring, understanding, and listening...accepting of them yet thinking in my mind, "what the hell is wrong with you?!?!" As I start understanding others more I find more content in my own mind, more justified in my own actions and feelings. And yes, more comfortable about letting others in and expressing my thoughts and feelings. But I have also found in this age that as I become more open, comfortable, and trusting that others tend to shrug it off and not think too much of it. I still do not understand how people can be so unfeeling about others. I think about everyone, even strangers I've had small talk with. It just seems to stick in my head. Maybe have a perverse impression on me that lingers...but maintains a presence in my thoughts. I do not forget things and I do not forget people. No matter how busy and cluttered my life my get...they are always on my mind... What does this make me? What does this say about me? I know I have got to stop thinking so much about others and their lives, problems, and stresses and think about myself. I have done rather well in stoping from trying to heal the world and be there for them and instead be there for myself. It really isn't a easy feat to accomplish but I know its coming along. I just can't and don't want to turn my back on the world...yet for some reason I feel some of it has turned its back on me. Why I can't figure out! There lies one of my problems...I have to know everything, understand everything, learn everything...not because I'm nosy or anything but because I love knowledge and anything I can gain from learning anything...especially people. I'm tired now. Feel like giving up on trying to learn because it seems anymore that things newly learned are sad, unkind, questionable, and hurting...like recently...I have never in my life been left in the dark, in the learches, not knowing, not hearing anything or having any kind of control. To which it erks me beyond your comprehension...leaving me questioning my very self, yet I knw it has nothing to do with me. UGH! So at what point did I lose control? When did I start to have things affect me in such a manner? I have come to terms with the fact I am placed in situations and what not of high drama and issue because I am a strong person...that without me around it would be a mess...that somewhere along the road people lose their way and I am one of the strong ones who seem to help with directions and enlightenment. Everything in life happens for a reason...I just question some of those reasons from time to time. I'm there for others but who's there for me? Yes if you're reading this you think, "What the fuck Stacy! I'm your friend and love you...I'm here for you!" And that is true...but you can also understand there is something missing...a certain strength complimenting mine...does it exist? Am I just an over-achiever looking for the answers to life that can never be found? I can multitask so much and do so many things for so many others and make them feel like the world...so why do I feel like I'm shrinking away? Yeah I may sound crazy but hey...that's what these blogs are for! Letting go, letting it out…only thing is with written word the emotion and convictions just do not come off the same as if it were verbal...oh I'm also on drugs having just returned from the dentist getting abot a grand worth of work done...stressing me out even more! But hey you know what?!?! Money isn't everything! If you think it is you will be miserable! Worrying about money ruins relationships and breaks your spirit! I'd rather live out in the boonies on a farm maintaining life and living happy with the one I love and just getting by than having the money to be well off and get all lavish things but wondering what price my soul had to pay to get it. I know, I need to just have a shot and a beer and stfu...let life happen and not think to much...ah but you see...thinking and absorbing is what I do...you just can't shut it off over night...so now I end this dreary babble of my "Stacy your going off again!" and just lay back and relax and think..."Hey it's a new year soon...what will I do with it? Will I live it? Or will I let it live me?" My money is on me living it! Whatever good or bad comes my way, I am ready for it, I welcome it, I challenge it...Can you say the same?
