There is so much on my mind right now that I can’t sleep even after more than enough sleeping pills to do the trick. It’s amazing isn’t it how when there is something on your mind that needs to be dealt with that your body will react however it wants despite all logic and reasoning. I’ve been taking stock of my life the past few days, evaluating what I think of myself and others, figuring out what exactly I want and how exactly I am going to get it. It all started with a look at my life . . .
So, I am 30 years old.
I am single.
I have a son who is almost 13 that I have always raised on my own. I have an attitude that bothers most people.
I have a wall set up around me and my life that takes a very special person to break through.
I am a bigger sized girl and damn comfortable in my own skin at this or any other size.
I have a past that I am not 100 % comfortable with reliving just yet; though working my way to it.
I am not ashamed of nor do I regret anything in my life that I have ever done.
I am a hell of a lot stronger than most people I know; I have never encountered anything in life that I could not handle.
I go to work everyday and am thankful if I get to go home that night.
I work at a job that shows me the very worst and the very best of people at the same time.
I work at a job that is much more dangerous than most would ever think it could be.
I work at a job that drains me physically and some days emotionally.
I love my friends more than I love myself.
I am more loyal than most would think I could ever be.
I have lived a life that many would never be able to survive.
I will not complain about my life because I know there are others with lives worse than mine.
I have learned as I have grown what I want from someone and now I refuse to settle for less than that.
Now having said all of that let me tell you what I have figured out. I am single because I choose to be. I am the one who will not let people into my life. I am the one who will not let my wall down to allow people access to me. I am the one who tells the stupid people who always ask “why are you single” that I don’t know even though now I do. As I said I am singe because I do not want less than what I feel I deserve in life.
I explained this in a previous blog that I want everything. I want a man who can be happy with me for who I am. A man who can be happy with me and not because of me. A man who will stand up to me when I need to be stood up to and will let me scream at him when I need to scream. A man who will laugh with me when I am laughing but will hold my head and wipe my tears when I am crying. A man who is strong enough to accept that my life is mine and the mistakes I made I learned from and that it is in the past and I left it there for a reason. A man who will not question my motives for having my friends. A man who will not be offended at the open, frank, and flirtatious relationship I have with my friends. A man who knows what he wants and will not settle for less either.
There are plenty of men I could settle for. There are plenty of men that I could try to make things work with. But do you know what I think about that? I think if it is the man I am meant to be with there will be no reason to make things work they just will. That man will find a way to be with me, I will find a way to be with him. It’s just the way I see things . . . Not as a miracle or anything, just I feel that when a man wants to be with me I will know and it will find a way to work.
I’ve not given up hope and in all honesty I have let more of my guard down in the past year or so than I ever thought I would. I owe thanks for that to many of the men I have met online. They have showed me the good, the bad and the ugly of humanity. They have given me reason to open myself up as well as to close myself in. I have met men who were just complete assholes and then I have met men who were genuine. I owe something to each one of them because they all taught me something one way or another. But I owe the most to the ones who made me feel comfortable with myself and never made me like I needed to be a size 2 model in order to talk to them. But to the ones that wouldn’t talk to me because my hips were too big . . . Thank you as well because you forced me to accept me for me and I learned to love my hips.
So, yeah I am now ready to find someone to spend my time with. I am not expecting to find someone any time soon, but at the same time I hope that I do. After all doesn’t everyone just want to be happy in the end? Of course!!
