Next year will mark 10 years since I have been out of high school. I never graduated, that was my choice. I chose to drop out. I would never say it was forced upon me. Because for the most part, we always have a choice. If I am to be honest for a long time I blamed my peers for "forcing" me to make that choice. Which is a load of bullshit. Because no one should have that much power over you. But still I went on believing that I was "forced"
This is how it went down. At that time in my life I felt like my fellow peers were out to get me. It is true that I was ostracized. And my offence was nothing I could change no matter whether I dieted or what clothes I wore. A wheelchair is a wheelchair, you can't wash it away. But by no means was there a school wide conspiracy against me. Although that is how I felt.
I thought that everyone that stared at me were thinking about how "awful" I was. That I didn't deserve to breathe the same air they did. Although I could never read someone's thoughts; its safe to say that is not what they were thinking.
And how were they supposed to know what I was going through. I didn't tell them. I didn't tell them that it bugged me that every time I have to urinate; it requires me inserting a tube up my penis. How were they supposed to know that I feared everyday that I would have a bowel accident in the middle of class. How were they supposed to know that most mornings I woke up and stared at my legs, lying there limp, I wanted to cry. And how were they supposed to know how alone I felt. They couldn't know. I never really told them. And for the ones that got a glimpse of how "real" it could get, left.
Now that I am older I see that the blame sits as much in my lap as theirs. I guess I want to say sorry. I could have done better.
So those who knew me. Still know me. I am sorry that I didn't do my part. But I have learned my lesson. Who ever I meet from now on in my life journey, I will take their hand and guide them through, instead of just expecting them to "get it"
Thanks.
Love,
Ryan
