The stringed music of summer filled the air
the cool waters of the canal taking the edge off the day
and I wandered
Amsterdam was a forward city
but was I forward guy
Seven years had passed since I was last here
and a lot can happen in seven years
I had mellowed somewhat and no longer sought the old pleasures that had occupied me on my previous visits
the smell of the brown no longer held the same strong emotions inside of me
and I could walk happily by a passing user without quite the same level of temptation
O don't get me wrong
I still thought
still dreamt
still found myself carried off in old memories
of times
and places
but the urge wasn't there
the finality of how it used to be
there was a time of do or die
that had been replaced with...
maybe's
I wandered on
my gaze transfixed by my reflection in the rippling waters
it was strange to view myself
I'm not a vain person
so I only glimpse myself from time to time
never spend an age reflecting upon my appearance
and so the image that I found staring back at me from the glistening waters was somewhat of a stranger to me
I couldn't quite understand it
I was sure last time I had looked I had been young
full of life
full of spirit
yet the face that stared back at me was much older
calmer
but also weaker
and carried an air of sadness
Where had this sadness come from?
O I know my life had been far from a bed of roses
but that wasn't new
it had never been good
and most of my nightmares were well in the past
my life was more settled than it had been for years
yet here was sadness
or was that the reason?
Had the mundane
safeness
the predictability of my life given over to boredom
to sadness
did I need the danger
the hardship to feel alive?
Was that it?
Was that the sum of my life?
How sad if it were true
no wonder my face appeared so long and blue in it's watery apparision...
I crossed over the bridge and down the other side of the street
I was looking for an old diamond merchants along the street
the place
(or so I was assured)
had closed several years before
but the plaque on the wall still marked the place
I was told it was easy to find
but I'd been up and down the street several times now
and I couldn't find the place
The street was busy
it was a Wednesday afternoon in June
no real reason why it should be any busier than normal
but the street was a mass of cyclists and pedestrians who all seemed to be heading somewhere or coming from somewhere
for a city that permits the open smoking of the green Amsterdam isn't quite as stoned as you might expect
it's still a hive of activity
as much an ant colony as any other city with it's armies of drones working busily at what appears like nothing on the surface
I stopped for a second to lean against the rail by the waters edge
I stared a little longer at my reflection
the sun was hot and I was feeling a little light headed and the familiarity of my own reflection
(no matter how strange it might look today)
gave me some sort of anchor to focus upon
allowed me a chance to catch my breath and marshall my thoughts
I don't know how long I paused for
I had only meant to stop for a second
soak the sun
catch my breath and then to resume my search
but somewhere after I'd stopped I must have slipped inside a vague daydream
one of those misty ones where you snap back into focus and can't quite touch upon exactly what you'd been thinking about...
The 'thing' that had jolted me back from hazing had been the fact that I thought I had become aware of another reflection beside mine
looking back from the water to me
as I snapped back into focus I looked again
and indeed I found the face of a young girl staring into my reflection
into my eyes
her reflection smiled at me
'Hi'
A voice said from somewhere to the side of me
it was synched to the movement of the lips of my mystery reflection person
I answered back
(to the reflection)
'Hi, how are you?'
'I'm being good thank you'
Again the lips of the reflection were in synch with the voice
'Are you looking for 982?'
982 was the number of the old diamond merchants
'Yeah'
I answered
I was a little dissapointed
I'd hoped the beautiful reflection was going to be something to do with...
pleasure
not work
funny how it always works out that way
it always ends up being about work
Maybe my priorities are wrong
maybe I should appreciate the fiscal side of things more
but in every adventure I am always looking for the emotion
for the people
for the human side of things
I'm always dissapointed when it comes down to money
'Come'
She said
I took one last look at my reflection
I was getting older
more tired
more cynical
but life has to be lived the way it happens
I can't turn my back on the truth and become 16 again
the truth was I was older
I am more tired
and fuck emotions
I was in Amsterdam to make money
Maybe when everything was over I'd find time to slip back into some of the old cafes like I would have done in the old days
maybe I'd smoke myself silly
have a good time and head off to some wild party with wild music
but for now I followed her over the street and into the old building
C'est la vie...
