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Since more and more seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code)…


ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Cougars

MEN APPLAUD THE PLEASURES OF BEING WITH OLDER WOMEN

DEAR ABBY: In your response to the letter from "'Cougar' in New York" (Sept. 3), you invited your male readers to share their thoughts. Abby, cougars are nothing new. They're simply out of the closet.

Men have been called "dirty old men" for their dalliances with younger women. But older women have quietly involved themselves with younger men for years. As women have become more successful, both in the corporate environment and individually, they have grown bolder in their personal lives.
As a 58-year-old man, I look on this as a natural progression of the boomer-born sexual revolution. When I was in my teens and suffering the testosterone overload, my father said, "Look for an older woman to teach you the ropes." His idea was that they had the experience and patience to tutor.
I don't consider "cougar" as being predatory, nor do most men and women I know. Our world is changing and evolving, and this is simply another chapter. -- SAN DIEGO READER
DEAR SAN DIEGO READER: I appreciate your comments. My male readers shared some interesting insights in favor of the "cougar." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Older women are more established and more interested in fostering personal relationships. Many young women are highly career-oriented and less interested in pursuing relationships, and that can be a turnoff for men. Not all men avoid commitment. Some of us desire it, and we have a greater chance of finding it with someone older, even at the risk of finding a woman beyond childbearing years. -- WILLIAM IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: In truth, I am neither looking for a cougar nor a younger woman. What I am looking for is someone full of life, full of ideas, able to think for herself and not wanting to think for me. I seek someone who is confident, but humble. THAT is what I find attractive in a woman. -- ONE MAN'S PERSPECTIVE
DEAR ABBY: On my 25th birthday, I met a woman who was 10 years older than me. We were both just looking for someone to have fun with. Six months later we were married. We were still together 45 years later when she passed away. I wouldn't trade our years together for anything because we were friends and able to talk about anything to each other. We learned to enjoy simple pleasures, and that made all the difference. If you find someone you are comfortable with, don't let the calendar get in your way. -- STILL GRIEVING IN KILLEEN, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: "'Cougar' in New York" answered her own question when she said, "I am a caring, fun person who loves music and dancing." Women like her are attractive at any age. It's the lack of older men who can keep up with them that makes "cougars" available to younger guys! -- JOHN IN GRAND MARAIS, MINN.
DEAR ABBY: Age is just a number. The age difference doesn't matter. Women tend to live longer than men.
I'm in my early 50s and going through a divorce. I always wanted to be a better dancer, so I enrolled in a dance class to improve my skills. I met a wonderful woman there who is several years older than me. Life happens.
We have been dating for more than a year now, and we're having the time of our lives. As my friend says, "Does it get any better than this?" -- "BOY TOY" IN NEW YORK

How To Build a Wife

Plastic Surgeon 'Builds a Wife'

Updated: Sunday, 01 Nov 2009, 3:27 PM MST
Published : Sunday, 01 Nov 2009, 3:26 PM MST

By MIKE BRODY

(MYFOX NATIONAL) - German plastic surgeon Reza Vossough got married with the intent of turning his bride into the ideal wife. Five years later, he says he has created his perfect woman.

The Sun reports that Vossough performed eight operations over the past five years on his 33-year-old wife Cany. He made changes to her chest, thighs, eyes and face.

Cany, who had her breast size increased from an A cup to an F cup, says she loves her new look.

"When your husband is a plastic surgeon, then the scalpel is your friend," she said.

Reza is also happy with his creation.

"When I first met Cany, she had physical deficiencies, but I could see there was something there," he said. "She had big hips and big thighs, so we made corrections, then did a little bit more. ... It's better than nature could do."

Sarah Burge, a 49-year-old British woman, holds the record for the most cosmetic and plastic surgery procedures ever performed on one person. She has spent $850,000 on more than 100 surgeries.

Southern Living

SC Man Gets 3 Years in Prison for Sex with Horse

Updated: Thursday, 05 Nov 2009, 5:03 AM MST
Published : Thursday, 05 Nov 2009, 5:02 AM MST

CONWAY, S.C. - A man caught having sex with a horse in a South Carolina stable has been sentenced to three years in prison.

Multiple media outlets report that Rodell Vereen was sentenced Wednesday after pleading guilty to buggery. A judge also ordered Vereen to get counseling and stay away from the Lazy B stables when he's released.

Authorities charged Vereen after a woman set up a surveillance camera and caught him on tape having sex with her horse in July. Horse owner Barbara Kenley says she staked out the stable and caught Vereen sneaking into the barn days later, holding him at shotgun point until police arrived.

Kenley had seen Vereen before. He pleaded guilty last year to having sex with the same horse and was put on probation and ordered to register as a sex offender.

Nation of Whimps

Judge Describes Sharon Stone as Overreacting Parent By Oliver Jones Originally posted Tuesday September 30, 2008 Sharon Stone Sharon Stone has so overreacted to her 8-year-old son's health issues that she suggested he get a Botox treatment for his smelly feet, according to the judge in the actress's custody case. In Superior Court papers, the judge also said Stone "delegates many of her parenting responsibilities to third parties" and has "simply refused" to participate in counseling unless her "schedule is accommodated and her demands are met." "Such conduct on the part of any parent ... is unacceptable and does not serve the child's best interest," the San Francisco judge writes in the document, which is a tentative statement on Stone's motion to modify custody. The judge has turned down Stone's request to move her son Roan to Los Angeles, where she lives, from his father Phil Bronstein's home in San Francisco. The actress is allowed visitation time with the child, getting some weekends and holidays. Saying that Stone is "unable to provide the structure, continuity and reliability that Roan needs, and candidly, deserves," the judge cited examples of Stone's overreactions, including her incorrect belief her son was suffering a spinal illness and her suggestion of using Botox for foot odor. According to the papers, "As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected." Stone's representatives declined to comment. Bronstein, 57, and Stone, 50, married in 1998. They adopted Roan in 2000 and divorced in 2004.

Udderly ridiculous

Woman Wearing Cow Suit Charged With Disorderly Conduct POSTED: 12:00 pm EDT September 30, 2008 MIDDLETOWN -- A Middletown woman is accused of being disorderly in public -- while wearing a cow suit. A police report filed about the incident said Michelle Allen allegedly chased children in her neighborhood while wearing the suit on Monday evening. Allen also urinated on a neighbor's front porch, the report said, and was warned by officers to go home and stay there. Allen was charged with disorderly conduct after an officer found her causing traffic problems on North Verity Parkway. The officer's report stated that Allen was verbally abusive to him on the trip to jail and smelled of alcohol. The report did not speculate as to why Allen was wearing the cow suit.
Amazing. . . . . . FOUNTAIN, Colorado (AP) -- A Colorado teenager hired men to kill his mother so he could use her money to get breast implants for his girlfriend, police said. Nikita Lee Weis, 18, was arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder, said Fountain Deputy Police Chief Mike Barnett. Weis' mother, Hyun Weis, was attacked Thursday with a small wooden baseball bat at her home but escaped, authorities said. She was released Friday from a hospital. His girlfriend, Sophia Nicole Alsept, and two men police said he hired, Juan Antonio Velez Gonzalez, 18, and Brandon Michael Soroka, 19, were also arrested on the charge of conspiracy to commit first-degree murder. Barnett said Weis wanted to sell his mother's car and use money in her bank accounts to pay for breast implants for Alsept, 21. Barnett also said the suspects discussed wrapping Hyun Weis' body in plastic and dumping it in the desert in New Mexico or Arizona. All were being held on $50,000 bail. Officials did not know whether they had attorneys and said they couldn't get messages to them.
Try a placenta or bird poop facial Facials can contain placenta, bird poop, gem stones and light Woman: Boyfriend sees improvement after "fanny facials" Doctor: Treatments may improve state of mind more than state of body By Liane Yvkoff (LifeWire) -- Diane Maler searched for the perfect way to care for her sun-damaged skin for 20 years. The Los Angeles resident had scores of facials and tried practically every product on the market, but nothing really worked. That is, until her dermatologist, Dr. Harold Lancer, recommended a facial treatment that contains human placenta. "I get more compliments now than at any time of my life," says Maler, a 47-year-old industrial designer, of her improved complexion. "(The facial) smells good, it feels good. I don't have any problems with it. I think of it as a very nourishing treatment." The placenta is obtained from Russian maternity wards and is treated to prevent biological contamination and disease transmission. Applying afterbirth to your face may sound extreme, but it's not the only offbeat treatment being touted by some spas and dermatologists. There's gemstone therapy, skin treatments that contain nightingale droppings or 24 karat gold leaf and even facials for your fanny. When it comes to the timeless quest to stave off aging, it seems, some people will try just about anything. What's not clear is how effective these treatments are and whether their benefits are more psychological than medical. Placentas and nightingale poop Louise Deschamps, a licensed medical aesthetician (skin-care specialist) who works with Lancer in his Beverly Hills, California, practice, says she performs 20 to 25 placenta facials a week -- some combined with LED (light emitting diode) therapy as an added anti-aging treatment -- and counts among her clients such red-carpet regulars as Denise Richards and Megan Fox. It's not cheap: Facials run $350 to $500, depending on products used. "They're not doing it because it's hip. They're doing it because they're concerned about their skin," says Deschamps, who adds that the placenta facials are good for people with acne-prone skin that has been dried out from over-exfoliation. But Dr. Robin Ashinoff, a clinical associate professor of dermatology at New York University's Langone Medical Center, says she doesn't know of any studies on the dermatological benefits of placenta. Of anecdotal evidence that placenta facials work, she says, "it's probably the LED that's doing it." LED treatments stimulate the skin to produce collagen, Ashinoff says, giving it a more youthful appearance. At the Diamond Spa in Wailea, on the Hawaiian island of Maui, they offer a different kind of facial. Lead aesthetician Lula Pacheco swears by the combination of cleansers -- including a quarter teaspoon of dehydrated nightingale droppings -- that begin each facial she administers for $144 to $225 a pop. Historically, nightingale bird droppings were used to remove stains from delicate silk garments in Japan, as well as by geishas to whiten and even skin marred by frequent and heavy use of makeup, Pacheco says. "At first they're hesitant, but the product is very micronized," says Pacheco of her clients. "When it's done they just love how their skin feels and looks." But does it actually work? That's up for debate. Bird experts at both the National Aviary in Pittsburgh and the Cornell University Lab of Ornithology were at a loss to explain the benefits of nightingale droppings as a skin treatment. Brian Keller, a dermatopharmacologist and executive vice president of San Francisco-based Bio Zone Laboratories, which manufactures custom private-label dermatological products, offered one possible reason. "The reason this product may work is the high concentration of urea in the fecal-urine combination in bird feces. Urine has a lot of urea in it and it has long been used as a skin-softening agent," he says. "It's obviously shrouded in a lot of mystery." Breasts and bottoms Joanna Tan's friends thought she was crazy when she told them about her "fanny facial" treatment at zensAsian spa in the Sunset district of San Francisco. Spa owner and aesthetician Corrine Zhong says the treatment is similar to a regular facial. It involves cleansing, steam treatment to open pores and soften skin, followed by a massage with oil made of grapeseed extract with antioxidants and finally, a seaweed mask to hydrate and detox, or a firming mask to firm and brighten. The cost? Fifty bucks for a half hour. After a few fanny facials, Tan said her skin texture has improved, and dark spots have lightened. "It's hard for me to see, but my boyfriend tells me," she says. Zhong offers other unique treatments, including a breast massage. Breast massages are non-sexual and use a medium-firm pressure and sweeping motions to get the blood circulating in the breast's tissues, similar to a Swedish massage. "The nipple is never touched," says Zhong, who gets the massage herself about once a month. Zhong says following the massage her breasts appear higher, which may be a temporary result from increased blood flow. Dr. Ashinoff says that if breast massages were the key to tightening breasts and keeping them firm and perky, many plastic surgeons probably would go out of business. But she suspects that much of the benefit of any beauty treatment is probably in the mind of the recipient. "It may do wonders for your mental state, even if it doesn't do anything for your physical state," Ashinoff says. Aura adjustment Clothing designer Suzy Houghton of Brentwood, California, for one, believes such treatments work. Another client of Beverly Hills dermatologist Harold Lancer, Houghton swears by gemstone and color therapy to tone her face. The treatment is a modern twist on the ancient practice of crystal healing, says aesthetician Dee Bartolo. In her suite, Bartolo administers the AuraLift treatment using a machine with two probes. Each probe bears a single tourmaline -- one pink and one green -- and a cotton-tipped probe that conducts the microcurrents. The probes are pressed on acupuncture points and colored light passes through gemstone, lifting and toning skin muscles, Bartolo says. "I saw a significant difference in my eyelids. I look less tired and they're fuller," Houghton says. NYU's Ashinoff is more skeptical. "While there may be some truth to [the benefits of these treatments], as a physician I can only tell patients what I know to be true scientifically," she says. But Houghton, for one, is satisfied. After her first treatment, the 40-something mother of three decided to go out on the town and leave her makeup at home. "I felt radiant," she says.

Some Great Quotes

From my friend Nicole. . . . "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." - Rumi "The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience." ~ Emily Dickinson "The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." ~Helen Keller "Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved" ~Helen Keller
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