Vampire Heart member of the royal levelers's blog: "alone"

So here I lay in my bed crying cause I'm hurt and confused. I don't know what's wrong I don't know what to do to fix it. I wish there was some way to take the pain away I wish I could make myself numb. Its been like this for weeks now I wish she would call but its always I'll call tomarrow but when tomarrow comes there's no call so I lay and wait and hope and the most I get is a text saying tomarrow. I'm beging to hate the word tomarrow cause no matter how many times she says it, its never tomarrow.

I'm so sick of my dad's shit. He callse me a liar and says I can't do anything right all the time. I can't take living around him anymore. Something has to change something has to be done. My life is in the downward spiral and it doesn't look like it will turn around any time soon. There's only one thing I know that can change it and I don't have to money to do that so alas I'm stuck in this hell of a life and at times I cry at times I cusse the ass hole at times I wish he would die so I'd be rid of him. If only I had a means and a way to have my life turn around I could finaly be truly happy.

So for the past week I've been sicker then I've ever been finaly getting over whatever it was. But then I got bad news from my gf, her grandpa is dieing and she's spending time with him so I haven't been able to talk to her :( so right now things pretty much suck.

So randomly I started feeling depressed today idk why there's nothing wrong I have a job I like, I have a woman I love things are good but I'm still depressed. I can't explain it I have no clue so I may be taking a break from the internet for awhile. It may say I'm online but don't trust it, my cell keeps me loged in all the time so unless u have my phone numberor my yahoo info I'm not ignoring u I'm just not here.

I'm sad now cause I want you so bad I'm sad now cause I can't be with you I'm sad now cause I need you I'm sad now cause I have to sleep alone I'm sad now cause we're not together. Rachael I love you more than anyone or anything your my love my life my everything and I can't wait till your in my arms.

I often ask myself why things are the way they are. At times I hate my life. I live a few states away from the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm broke, I have a shitty ass car. The worst is I hate my dad he's so controling, even though I live on my own he thinks he can still tell me what to do. My only joy in life is talking to Rachael and a few other people they know who they are. Anyway that all for now.

so here i sit all alone with no one that i know to tell me they love me or hold me in their arms at night. at times I look back on my life and wonder where things went wrong and ponder how to make my life better. MIssing and loveing the girl I have not yet meet and don't know how to tell her my true feelings, scared I will scare her if I tell her how I truly feel knowing we have not yet meet and confused by the fact that I have atleast one other option but not sure if I want to ventrue sown that road. Knowing and doing are two things I don't know how to do cuse of the fear of rejection that I face if she knows how I feel if she doenst have the same feelings for me, so my only action is to sit and wait for the ay i get to meet her and hope she likes me the same way I like her.