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I've had an Ephifany

That is I've come to realize why I've been thinking so much of jesse the last few weeks. I always felt like he was unfairly ripped away from me. Yes, he had to apply to become a warrant officer, that's something that he chose, almost like it chose him. It was something that he wanted, and I could NEVER in my life have dared to try and change his mind. I'm so happy and proud of him for going after what he wanted, and actually getting it. So few people get the dream that they chase after, we merely settle for the best we can get, and stop striving for more. He attained what he wnted, even if it means that it's without me anymore. But it's May now… The month that we thought he was going to be leaving, not now. If things had worked the way we thought they might, we would just be getting ready to part ways, not having been separated for the last few months. I have to say, there have been many days that I have wondered what if anything would be different… would he want me to move with him, would he still tell me that he thinks it would be better off for me and the kids, and his peace of mind if I moved on? In his words, found someone better, someone awesomer? I don't know and I never will… But it just hurts so much to be the person that changed his mind, even if only to make him think it could be okay to get married again. I hate being the one that makes broken guys see that they can love someone again. I just wish that they could see me as that person, and not someone else after me. I guess mikey was right, no matter how cold it may sound, he doesn't think it's my time right now. And that I'm doing this for a reason, I'm patching people up and making them better for someone else, I'm improving their lives… right? But why doesn't it feel like that? Why do I have to miss him so effing much. I feel like a pile of crap lately, a bawling piece of crap. I can cry at the drop of a hat, just seeing something that reminds me of him or of how much I love him. And why do I have to love him so much? I feel like I'm hanging on for the off chance that when all is said and done, when all these schools are finished, that he'll come back here, and we can start over again… it's just not fair and it hurts so damn much… But that's it, that's all, no one wants be hear of be around sad or lonely kate… since the mood that i want isn't a selection, it's: mood: broken

scope

Normally you're very generous, but right now you feel like holding yourself farther away from the madding crowd. Well, what of it? A regal type like you has the right to change your mind -- it's your prerogative. well idk bout the regal part, but the rest of it sounds fine with me ;)

Horoscope

True connection can be a little bit frightening; it means that all the defenses and masks you carry around get stripped away. When you see the right opportunity, though, you'll realize the risk is worth it. So, I guess all you guys out there should answer me this... Are you worth it?

whatever rant

I don’t think that I am alone in this… as a matter of fact I’m sure that I am not. I can’t for the life of me figure what it is about guys that drive me nuts, what it is that I can’t figure out… I like them, in some cases I love or have loved them. But those cases are rare and should maybe be considered an exception to the rule and not ‘the rule’ especially since the ones that I still love are family, the ones that I no longer love are well, past loves and really for the most part, nothing more. I’ve managed to remain on speaking terms with one or maybe two, but that’s really it. Why is it that a guy can act so into you one day, staying over just watching movies and such until like 230 in the morning. The next day things still look pretty good, and then the day after that, it’s more like… meh… Then there’s the guys the just completely become a chicken shit bastard and just stop talking to you altogether. As if you did something wrong. Man… fuck this shit… Don’t act like you want to be my friend for a day or two and then fuckin’ split out. I don’t need fake-ass mother fuckers like that. If it even remotely sounds like you, and you’re a guy or a girl, fuckin’ be grown up and tell me you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, don’t just pretend like you’re my friend for a day and then ditch out like a little bitch. Don’t ask me to bring you lunch two days in a row, burning off around $30 in gas, driving an hour each way, buy you lunch, and then not come to visit me. It’s not cool, it’s a way to use a person and I don’t need people like that. I moved here to get away from that, not to do more of it. Alright, I’m done ranting for now, it’s just something that I needed to get off of my chest, because well, everyone else can’t use their common sense and respect each other.

Moved

hey all, sorry I've been gone for so long, but I'm back now, well at least for a few days. I moved out of Texas and moved near Fort Bragg, NC. I'm going to be back out on the road again to go to get my stuff from MN and to visit some family in CT and ME, but otherwise, I'm done and here to stay. Well at lease for a year.

4 in the morning

this video, well the lyrics to the song are how i feel right now...

what to do

i'm hurt, i dont know what to think. jason has found out something i didnt tell him and i'm not sure how... was he posing as someone else? talking to me to see what i say? i feel betrayed and i dont know why, it;s not like he wants to be with me anymore, he told me as much himself. he took me to radio shack yesterday because i asked him if he would. he didnt seem too upset about it, i'e been trying not to ask him for anything and just keep everything running as best as possible. i really dont like conflict. but today and yesterday he started talking to mark again, and i dont know how i feel about that. trying to tell him what not to do and what to do, as if he held a part in his life that was somehow meaningful. i guess that i just dont know what to say an what to think. as i was sitting in the car yesterday he asked me somthing an i had to put my sunglasses on so that he couldnt see me cry. i'm sure that he did actally see, but it was the only protection that i had, and i thought that i would us it for all that it was worth. it's really hard to love someone, to be inlove with someone and then to have it all thrown back at you, when it used to be given back to you. he used to kiss me before he left for PT, and when he got back and before he left for work again. Come home for lunch and sneek in a nooner, then there was the i'm home now-er and whatever there was in bed that night. He told me he loved me, that he loved me more than i loved him, he kissed me all the time, he held me even in his sleep. now i can't bare being near him, it just hurts...

it's over

well, so we had a talk last night. Well, I guess it was more like he got home and yelled at me, and then he igored me the rest of the night and then when I was in bed he came in and asked what was wrong, because I had my face covered with the blanket. Well he turned the light on and I had been trying to sleep. Then he askd me, Now what? i asked, now what what? and he started in on me again, that what about all that he said earlier, was i just going to pretend it didnt happen and it would all just go away. I know I have a habit of doing that, but not when it's important. Not when it's about the end of a relationship. But there you go. It's the end. He blames my son and I for everything that has gone wrong in the last few weeks. And there's no way to fix it, none at all, you can't fix what the other person doesn't want to fix. So it's over, i have my son, no car, no home, i could probrably find family to stay with, but i couldn't even get there. i dont know what to do, i just don't...

i fucked up

so i dont know how it happend but smehow i lost the ring Jason gave me. i took it off to take a shower and st it on the counter just like i always do and got dressed and checked on the sauce i was making. this is when i got on the computer not thinking about needing to put my rings back on. They are usually safe on the counter. well jason got home and i remembered to put my rings back on. only they weren't there. jason said that he saw one of my rings there, but that he didnt see the diamond ring. i tore the entire house apart looking for it. i looked under every bed, as a matter of fact i even decided to wash all the sheets. i looked in every drawer and cabinet. i feel so stupid. i askd my son, i even told him he wouldnt be in touble if he took it that i just wanted it back. i'm freaked out. i've been crying like a baby on and off all morning. i emptied out the toy box and everything. i don't know what to do. all i can do is pray that jason took it eenthough he told me that he didnt to tech m a lesson about leaving it laying around or whatever. i just can't believe this is happning, i've never lost somthing that important to me in my ntire life and i feel really super bad about it. CRAP!!!

update on first blog

so to answer a few questions, he didnt know when he wrote it that i had ct. actually i didnt even have ct until afte he had written the blog.
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