Ya know. When Lindon broke up with me, I thought my life was over. I thought I would never be able to love anyone as much as I loved him. Since he broke up with me, in Sept of 2001.... I had not gotten over that pain. I had never gotten past that. I have loved him everyday and every minute of all of that time. Until Andrew. I really and truly thought he was "the one". I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. He was everything I ever wanted in a guy. Every guy I've ever been with, (since lindon) all I could do is compare them to lindon, and point out why lindon was so much better than them. And, when I was starting to get to know Andrew, I was doing the same thing. But, I quickly started realizing, Lindon, just, wasn't better than him. And, I really started falling in love with Andrew. It happened way too fast. Looking back on it now, i let myself just, fall in love with someone that I didn't know well enough. I gave him my heart, I never wanted to be with anyone else ever again. He was it for me. He was mine. I thought.
And he started drinking and stuff. Yeah, we all do it, whatever. And started ignoring me. Well, considering MOST of the time all we do is text, thats the majority of the attention I get from him. And he'd start drinking, and stop texting me. And, I have to have attention. I could go into the psychological aspect of WHY, but trust me, childhood, bad. Now, I need attention. SO, I told him about it. I told him I needed the attention. He told me he didn't really like drinking anyways, and was going to quit, and start giving me more attention. SO, then I got ignored for a video game. Which, in and of its self was not that big of a deal, except, he wouldn't talk to me AT ALL. Not even like, a text every 30m or hour. We're talking NONE. Then last friday, he texted me while I was at work, and told me he was drinking. Well, he's an adult. He can do as he pleases. Rather than getting upset for no reason, I tried playin around about it, and being sarcastic. He took it as I was pissed off... and, he broke up with me. I have never felt so sick, in my entire life. I'm not sure what I did wrong, where I went wrong. What i could have done to fix this. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be without him. I Love him. With all of my heart. I tried messaging him some sat but he never responded, then Saturday evening he started messaging me. Saying he regretted it, wanted me back, and that he still loved me. We haven't really gotten the chance to talk about friday. And after i got off work sat he was out drinking, and I was drinking, so, we were in no place to discuss it. Then, Sunday morning, he talked to me for a bit, then, stopped. I'm assuming to play his video game. I messaged him, a lot. He never replied. He hasn't messaged me this morning, and he always messaged me by 830/9 in the morning. So, I don't know whats happening. I'm scared to message him, because I'm scared that this will be final. I'm scared he's going to tell me he's done with me, and wants nothing more to do with me. I'm scared. My heart hasn't recovered from friday... i got this, hope, that things were going to be ok. I feel so pathetic. I'm hanging my heart on a man... I don't do this. This isn't me. I'm supposed to be the bitch who doesn't care!!! I'm supposed to be the one hurting people, not being hurt. I have spent so much time hiding my heart. So much time, pushing people away. I've worked so hard to protect myself from this shit happeneing to me, and here I am. Lost. Confused. Not acting like me. And, in pain. I hurt. I want to hear him tell me this was all a mistake and everything will be ok. I want him to fix it. I want him. For once in my life, I'm wanting someone else to do something. I have spent so many years DOING. Controlling. I haven't had someone leave ME since lindon. Because I always leave them first. I leave before I can be hurt. I push them away, so it doesn't hurt to lose them. I've worked so hard to make sure this didn't happen. And here I am. After priding myself on being such a bitch, and so in control. Crying. Over a man. A man that I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I feel so stupid. This wasn't supposed to happen. How did this happen? Why did this happen?Am i really that naive that i just wanted so badly to believe he loved me as much as I loved him? What did I do? Where did i go wrong? Why did I do this to myself? Why did I allow myself to love someone?
When Lindon broke up with me, I begged him, and pleaded with him to take me back. He did. For about 3 days. And told me he just couldn't do it. I didn't want this to be like that. I haven't begged Andrew, I haven't tried to give him a hard time aboutit... or anything. I've tried to just be calm. And, Ok. Do i just accept this? DO I just sit and cry, and not ask why? What am I supposed to do? Because I can't just not care. I tried that friday, and it ended up in a huge mess. I tried to be ok. I tried not to care. But I do. I do care. I love him. So much. I can't just let go of him and move on. I can't just, be ok with this. I have to know why this is going on. I'll probably message him after I make the girls breakfast. Other than that, I don't know what to do. My heart is breaking, and I don't know how to stop it....
