So, I sat here earlier, alone as usual, and contemplated many things for even more reasons and came up with some pretty deep and profound thoughts for the mood I find myself in lately. My own mind never ceases to amaze me anymore.
I’ve been put through emotional hell in the last six months; there is no way for me to sugar coat that, it’s just been pure hell. I longed to find love only to learn that it is the painful thing I have ever experienced while somehow managing to be the most beautiful as well. I wanted to know what true love was and I learned . . . I flew high and then crashed and burned. I had everything and watched it all disappear in the blink of an eye. I went from euphoria to abyss in the mere seconds it took to speak a few words. But, somewhere along the way I also learned who I was, who I am, and who I still want to be. I didn’t learn what I want in life, I was only once again shown what I don’t need. A valuable lesson in it’s own right, after all how can we ever really know what we want if we aren’t shown what we don’t?
For some reason or other I have found myself tonight in a sort of despair again. I have said it before and I will say it again now . . . Love never really dies it only transforms. Those few people in my life that I have ever actually loved in one manner or another will always be in my heart somehow; it just may not always be the same way that they found themselves there. The one person that I had my all consuming walk thru the flames of hell for type of love I no longer feel that same type of love for but there is still love for him in my heart. I still only want him to be happy and to never have to suffer. I know he is struggling in his life right now over many different things and it does pain me to know this. I want him to get everything he wants in life; but I also know that he has to get what he wants on his own and if he isn’t driven enough to do that then there is nothing I can do for him. I hate that I can sit here and feel bad for the man who has hurt me so much; that I can hope for him that he fixes everything before it’s too late when he has given me no real reason to; that I can still feel love for the person who threw me away without any regard as to how I felt.
It’s the human condition I guess, to love those who we aren’t meant to love. To desire those that we can never have. To search for someone to fill that void in our hearts only to discover that once they are gone the void has grown. We struggle to find that someone that will make us feel complete, make us feel wanted, needed, cherished . . . To make us feel as though we are the only person on this Earth. We shed tears over them, we feel emotions we never thought possible over them, we ache when they are gone, and we rejoice when they are near . . . But in the end the void is still there. So how do we fill that void? How do we complete ourselves and not need that one person to do so for us?
Love is cruel and knows no boundaries. Love takes us to depths never before experienced and heights that can never even be dreamt. Is it ever worth it in the end? Is the pain ever worth the greatness? Are the wounds ever outweighed by the smiles? I guess I believe it is all worth it in some way . . . Or else why would love never die only transform?
