Yesterday you texted me and told me that you just wanted to be friends. It knocked the wind completly out of me, this told me that all those intangible joys I was hoping for and working for in the future had been taken away from me with just one sentence. I was devastated to say the least. I realize that you had undergone similar pain weeks prior when I told you the same thing, however when you came here and convinced me that we had a chance to work out, I was completly overwhelmed by the gesture and believed in you with all of my heart. I feel completely in love with you, body, mind, and soul that night you arrived to rescue me from my poor decision about us. And even when I was told to move out of the only secure place I have ever known due to the decision to see you, I accepted that because I knew I had made the right choice for our future.
I realize that I have been unstable this past week. My life has not known neutrality. Most of my younger days were spent either terrorized or loved by the center of any child’s universe, my mother. I knew that some days I would receive a hug and some days I would receive the vacuum cleaner hose whipped painfully against my back, I just never knew which one it would be. These days were also spent in shameful guilt from the molestation and degradation at the hands of another loved one. I remember waking up and not knowing what type of day it would be, what to expect. And when I went to sleep if it was a good day I was so grateful that I was not hurt emotionally, physically or sexually that my little 5 year old body would just pass out from that comfort. This was my reality for the next decade.
Then when this source of comfort and complexity, my mother, died suddenly my days became even darker. Over stressed, over weight and over looked I begin my teenage years with an over riding sense of angst that caused shock waves of panic when ever I left the house. I could not bring myself to face the sun for a year, let alone put on my socks.
But I preserved, so much so that when I graduated high school I entered college the next year. Unfortunately the years of upheaval had taken their toll on my psyche and I turned to alcohol for comfort. Then to sex, then to drugs and finally the needle. I remember slamming crank into my veins and staring at the clock on the VCR wondering if finally god was going to relieve me from that miserable life. He did, but not in the way that I expected.
I lived to know sobriety and although I survived that experience, meeting my husband would be the next endurance. I thought I was through with wondering daily if I was going to survive, to finally know rest, but that was not to be. When ever he had his mood swings I was transported to the most terrifying moments of my childhood, where there was no escape, only pain. I knew that I had to escape from him, but this time I did not do it for me, but for those that were too small to defend themselves.
So here I sit, after a heart wrenching week in which I may have leaned upon you a little too much for support, because perhaps I was exhausted from the fight that life has given me. Then you gave up on me too, after I had been asked to leave only place I have known security and love, my home, for you. I felt cheated, used, tossed aside once again to wonder what other blows given to me by this life I must survive.
I must tell you then, that if you are serious, that you were only stressed and that is what caused you to send this text to me, then you must be overwhelming in your affections. For I have known so little love in this short life, that I only expect more pain at the hands of those that say they care for me. I know it is a lot to demand, overwhelming affection, especially when you are so intent on giving it to all, however I must demand it or I will assume that you do not want me. And I will walk away as I am willing to give it all in return, but only to someone that will reciprocate.
