CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Broken"

Yanno, there is nothing worse then feeling alienated from your family even though you are around them all the time. My sisters boyfriend told me yesterday that my other sister had gotten a loan to get a condo. Cool! When I should be happy for her, why is it hush hush that I know. I knew my mom was going with her somewhere this morning, but didnt know where till my other sisters boyfriend told me. Then he said to me, Tawnya, Remember everything we talk about is between us. That's fine, I have learned so much in the past few weeks that is unreal, I know his g/f my other sister hates me with a passion, but I have always known that. Him and I began talking when she broke up with him a few weeks ago and he really turned out to be a nice person. I knew if they got back together our friendship would be over, but he makes it a point to say hi and ask how I am doing.

I am worried about the psych eval tomorrow, the one that is required to get into the transitional place, what if they tell me I am all messed up??? I feel like I am a lot. I was told, I am not messed up from someone they told me that I just extremely isolate myself, and how could I not with the alienation that goes on with my family. Hell, when my mom and sister got back, I went out on the deck to smoke, and they were down below and everything got hush hush and whispering. 

All I want is for people to believe in me. To have real life friends, not all online. I mean I know damn well, if I am having a problem there are tons of people that I can call and talk to that will make me laugh and smile. But, what about if I am in dire need of a hug or something? I can't get that to save my life.

So I should be finding out this week I hope about moving into that place, I am scared shitless, but at the same time, change I am sure will be good. There will be other people in similar situations to mine and hopefully the support network I lack will become reality.