Alan's blog: "Alan's Poetry"

Is there enough words to tell you how sorry I am, Or how I really do feel? Is this poem enough for you to understand... I've sought inspiration for so long to write to you. Only things is, I'm afraid I've made a mistake, I don't know that you'll ever forgive for. One after another, distractions hit me over and over, Why do I bother, you're everything I've ever sought? The happiness I've wanted, the feeling... Just to know you want to be there next to me. I feel like a failure to myself, I'm so afraid I'll be the same to you. If I did what was right, What I know belongs in my heart... Would you truly want to take my hand? I've waited so long to admit, but I know that's what I want. I'm afraid you'll never accept me for what I am. So here I go... you know how I've felt, How I feel, and you know it's true. I kneel down, watching your expression change... I'm almost expecting tears for what this looks to be, I can't afford much right now, but it's what's inside that counts. You know what I have to say. These words roll over through my my head, I think I understand how you felt everytime I post something new, Only you never knew you gave me the inspiration to write this. Should I keep the slow tears falling, as I always think of you, You said you'd be back soon, I never told you why I promised you, I wouldn't hurt you again. Something amazing has happened to me, It opened my eyes, I lost someone... I was blind, but now I see what I was missing, This song has been playing all night, I can't close my eyes until I know this is said. I don't need a picture, I see you clear in my mind. These words are never enough, I watched a beautiful thing, by someone I hated so much, I never knew that's what I never saw, I never knew that's the only thing I wanted. Is it too late? Who am I to tell, but I need you. Life is a song waiting to be written, Lived all in a dream, Only I don't want to sleep... I know I'll wake up and you won't be there. I close my eyes, and all I see is you, Wipe your tears, think of me, I always made you smile.

You asked me to be your friend, Though I never hear your cheerful voice anymore. Where is the girl I once knew? I'm living in this song, only I thought you'd make time, It's over, though I had hoped I was wrong. I'm sick for a home that doesn't exist, Do you even know my name anymore? I know you've moved on, I thought for a moment there was a chance. You've given up and thrown me aside, I just don't know how to feel. I pretend to forget, and say I'm okay, You can only reach so far when no one is there. When is it time to say g'bye? It all falls apart, all that's left is a broken relationship, I don't wanna hurt anymore, just tell me you're done, You've left me hanging in this time of need. I see your face in my mind, I walk up behind you to wrap my arms around you, Wake up, It was all just a dream.

It's still in the work, I wanted to get this out though... (the poem, thankyou angelkiss, and Becca for the inspiration, and the realization) Let me tell you that I'm sorry, Though, I wonder truly if I should be. In my life I've had many struggles, As I know we all of have... I've made many mistakes, not all of them I learned from, Up until now... I've moved where I'm at to start a new life, I've been where I have for life lessons that we all need. I want to live, I want the happiness I carry in my heart. Until now, I've reached so far trying way too hard, Pushing things, when I just needed to enjoy the world, I've left myself hurt in the process. I blamed so many, made excuses, To the simple things I sought to find. I had the best of intentions, But, why rush a beautiful world that is waiting to be seen. So many times I've reached way too far, I was just being me though. Life is so simple if you let it be, I've realized, I love being me, and who I am. I've many great things about me, I want to share with the world. I left myself in a negative aura, Trusting no one but myself. Wake up, smell the fresh morning air... There's so much to see, without diving into a deep abyss. I made a mistake, and rushed feelings that need time to develop, I never learned from falling so many times. I'm starting a new life, in a new world, I hope I haven't left you hurt in my trails. I miss the things we did, the time we spent, Understanding doesn't always help though, For either of us... Life was given as a gift, Live for all we are, and the one's we love, And never let go of those moments we treasured.

Will you listen to my words, Reaching deep within their meaning, Feeling everything they hold inside. Would you look into it's windows, To see who lives inside? Would you read my poem, To taste the sweetened heart of it? Would you take the time, To smell it's sweet fragrance, Dancing before your senses? Would you tell me if you were upset with me, Because I feel like my life is a mistake? Will you forgive me, When I tell you it won't happen again? I had no idea it would be a problem. Would you wipe away my tears, When I tell that I'm sorry for the words I write? When I ask you if things have changed, Could you answer me knowing how you felt? I've given you my truth without knowing. Would you just jump in your car and run, When I told you I don't want things to be this way? Will you press play to hear my heart calling out? Wring my neck, twist by twist, Until the brighest stars flame out. When I say g'bye, Will you realize the reason I have left? I can't tell you if I'll be back, Because I don't know if you'll understand, I never meant to do you wrong.

I'm not sober all the time, But I speak the truth in soberness saying, Trust is a gift, don't take it for granted. I know who I am, No matter what words come out of my mouth. It's hard to say no if you really mean yes. It's hard to close our eyes if we really want to see. It's hard to forget if we really can't, The hardest is to go, If we really want to stay. It's Like a wax museum, I see semblance but the fire has died. I miss the real you, please bring her back, Before doubt set in and stole your heart. Loneliness has set in, and left me hurt. I miss your heart that I held for a while. Knowing what's right or wrong isn't enough, Having the right reason is. I have none for loving you, What's worse is that I still do. Everything falls apart, Even the people who never frown eventually break down. Everything has to end, even when it comes to you, You pushed me away, Now all I can do is fall apart.

I don't fear tomorrow, Knowing it's yesterday's future. Today is before us only begging for acceptance, Without a crime I was convicted to a life of emotional havoc. There were always apologies... the promises, the tears, I learned to mistrust simple penitence, What meaning does it actually have? Silently I screamed for someone, Serving my life sentence, this one held without parole, I don't want to do my time without you! Running, but never reaching what I can not see, Carrying within me a flaming heart. Where have my tears fallen? I'm a prisoner to my own inner child. I wish I wasn't afraid, Of those harsh words, and hidden secrets no one knows, No one's special, nobody's gifted. I'm always sleeping awake, choking on my dreams, Waking in fear of something I'll never be. My eyes are open, hands are clenched, Deep inside I'm aching from unrelentless doubt. Each incident, each moment passed, just adds upon the next, My mind used to race with madness, it had to be me! What was I doing? Or was it... What I was not doing? I slowly drain with encircling thoughts, Longing to escape, somehow it destroyed my love. Hidden from the truth, I long to help you understand, The memory comes to me now and again, I'm trying for you.

With pitiful ignorance, and sad obedience, I've become the bigoted minority. I drink more and more with each passing day, Trying to keep a bright smile on my face. With forgotten purpose, and lost dreams, My eyes are filled with emptiness. People can be so unkind, I feel so alone, How many drink does it take, how much do I need to kill myself? I'm inadequate, I'll never be good enough for you. I am assaulted by self-scrutiny, Running breathless, just ahead of defeat, I am incomplete despite my efforts to be happy. I smile with a torn and bleeding heart, Hidden behind this mask of grins, and lies. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us, I've tried, and failed to find myself. Life has been bitter, my mind has denatured, I cannot stop the end, just one last drink?

I'm not afraid anymore to express how I feel... So smoke all you want, Just remember I like to drink sometimes. You always take people for their word, Have you ever changed your mind? I bear witness to your senseless conviction, You're holding me in contempt, From a past you keep buried deep within. Conquering your excuses for my next mistake, I hide my feelings from your frightened heart. Keep running, hate me if it feels good, Place your blame on me, And leave me stuck here waiting. You can't even see past your own selfish world, To know how you make me feel. My eyes are like a burden, you can see right through me, You're hurting me with your childish games. I wish you could understand, I'm doin time for a crime I didn't even commit. You'll never know what you have until it's gone. You keep me chasing a lost cause, Culminating pain makes me want revenge. I finally opened up, I still feel like I'm trying to get back at her. When the lights go out maybe I'll understand. Push me, pull me, how do I escape? Your jealousy suffocates my smile, I just want to be me. I'm not sure I can tolerate this anymore, You want to be with me, or you don't.