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The widow of the former Head of State of a small African nation has expressed surprise at the lack of interest from the numerous people she has emailed offering a share of her husband’s millions.
The family of the late King of Fakumba, have apparently sent ‘dozens’ of emails to suitable ‘good and responsible’ people across the UK offering them a share of the fortune, in return for a mere £2500. But as of yet, there has been no response.
Queen Echinacea and her daughter the Princess Jasmine are now concerned that people suspect the offer is too good to be true.
‘It is very strange, maybe people are unaware of the Kingdom of Fakumba, as we admittedly are a very small nation,’ the Queen remarked, ‘but we are easy enough to find, being north of South Africa and east of Nigeria. Despite being a very small country we are rich in oil, gas, gold, diamonds and numerous other precious stones, and it is perhaps unusual that more people aren’t aware of our homeland.’
The Fakumba royal family are now in hiding, but had managed to withdraw over GBP4.6million from bank accounts before the monarchy was overthrown in a military coup led by the former head of the army General Madeupi,
‘I really cannot stress how important it is that we receive the money we need to flee to Europe,’ begs the Queen in her email, ‘where we will be so happy to reward our saviour with half the money to say thank you for their assistance. My beautiful daughter Jasmine would certainly be willing to do anything for any man out there prepared to help us. However, for now we remain trapped in a safehouse in the hills of Fakumba, with my late husband’s vast fortune hidden in four large pillowcases.’
The lack of respondents has been blamed on a new cynicism surrounding the veracity of the internet, and echoes the case of Dr Augustus Shenckelmann who has personally emailed thousands of people to promote a new cream proven to tackle erectile dysfunction. ‘It’s incredible,’ sighs Dr Shenckelmann, ‘it’s almost as if people are not really interested in the latest developments in penile technology.’
Internet giant Google has developed a unique version of the online search engine which will confirm the enquirer's prejudices.
Google-ThoughtAsMuch will effectively censor alternative views and second opinions. ‘Designed for the busy opinionate who hasn't got time to think about things, Google-ThoughtAsMuch will make sure that your preconceptions are never challenged,' runs the press release.
Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google, added, ‘ With a single mouse click you can confirm your preconceived opinions are shared by hundreds of other websites'. One of the beta testers, Sarah Palin, had a chance to use the programme yesterday to test her suspicion that Obama was a Muslim terrorist. She found her opinion to be perfectly corroborated by dozens of high-traffic websites.
Through deployment of algorithms, Google works out the source of your fears, and matches them to the appropriate comforting version of events. The blogosphere and online forums will be heuristically searched for credible sources of anonymous postings.
Google-ThoughtAsMuch will also include an ‘I blame the...' drop-down menu of nations, ethnic types, political parties and celebrities. For example, a user can select ‘I blame the United States for 9/11′, and instantly numerous credible-looking websites will appear substantiating your assertion.
However some critics have suggested the new service is an insidious spy programme designed by Google to accumulate personal details on potential customers and political dissidents which could be sold on to sinister groups like the CIA, Mossad and Amazon.com. Although this accusation initially seemed a little outlandish, it was immediately confirmed by checking dozens of obscure websites and blogs across the internet.
I can't fvuckin bear it. I am currently sharing my office with an over paid and under busy consultant. Problem is, he makes so much noise when he eats. Biscuits, sandwiches, whatever he has for lunch - oh and he has biscuits all the friggin time.
Gah, I'm pretty tolerant, but this drives me mad. chomp chomp, slobber, heavy nose breath.
Not a good thing in my current mood which swings between dejected and horribly angry.
I need a punch bag.
Nothing can stop me,
I kick down all barriers,
I will not relent.
Here in the UK Shepherds tended to place more importance on sheep than pretty much everything else, such as shool and church (in fact, when a shepherd died, they would pin a bit of wool to thier burial suit so that God would know why they never went to church).
As Such, many never learned numbers. But in shepherding, its pretty important to make you you haven't lost any sheep. So the ancient shepherds in Northern england and southern scotland used this rhyme called Yan Tan Tethera. There are quite a few variations based in local dialect, this one is from Cumbria where my Grandfather (who taught it to me) grew up.
1 Yan
2 Tahn
3 Tethera
4 Methera
5 Pimp
6 Sethera
7 Lethera
8 Hovera
9 Dovera
10 Dick
11 Yan-a-Dick
12 Tahn-a-Dick
13 Tethera-Dick
14 Methera - Dick
15 Bumfit
16 Yan-a-Bumfit
17 Tahn-a-Bumfit
18 Tethera-Bumfit
19 Methera-Bumfit
20 Jiggot
I think its rather lovely, hance why I shared it here.
What is the single largest item in your house?
All the air
How well can you write your name with your non dominant hand?
Yes, badly - but I have a skill for mirror writing
What color is your bedroom?
White
What type of computer mouse do you use?
one with buttons and a wheel
What is your earliest memory?
Getting my haircut the day my sister was born
Have you ever jumped off of a high dive?
Yup
Do you take vitamins?
In food
When did you first become interested in sex?
When I first realised it existed
Do you like to color inside the lines?
well...anything else would be scribbling
What do you have set as your home page?
Google
Do you have your own radio?
Yup
Where would you hate to have to work?
Stoke on Trent
Who is on your speed dial?
Nobody
Do you prefer lightbulbs or candles?
Depends what illumination needs I have
How much money did you spend today?
£1.25 (Bacon sandwich)
What are you sitting on right now?
My ass
Do you look at yourself when you pass by reflective surfaces?
chronically
Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Doubtful
Did you play with shaving cream when you were a kid?
No, but i did require stitches after playing with a razor blade
How big is your bed?
Plenty big enough
Do you like the smell of axe?
Its called Lynx here, and no.
What is your favorite flavor of lifesavers?
I don't know, never had one
Have you ever seen a volcano?
Yes, an extinct one in Scotland
What is the best halloween costume you have ever worn?
I have never worn one
What kind of soap do you use?
I think its called botanics
Can you snowboard?
probably
How many icons do you have on your dekstop?
16
What is the biggest amount of money you have ever had at one time?
£23000
Do you understand how telephones work?
ummm...
Do you write notes on your body?
numbers on my hand occassionally.
What is the prominent color in your closet?
Blue
What is sitting next to you right now?
A pile of work that I am avoiding
Do you believe in lots of conspiracies?
Not lots no
Do you own any really old video game systems?
Playstation 1
Are you good at baking?
I can do it, but I really don't enjoy it.
Have you ever made your own clothing?
Yes, I made leather trousers out of an old leather jacket once.
How many doors does your house have?
6
Do you prefer tootsie pops or blow pops?
Not had either
Do you sneak into movie theatres?
No
Are you a really fast text messager?
moderate
Do you have anything you keep on you 24/7?
Hair
Do you usually write in print or in cursive?
cursive
What was your first job?
Paperboy
Do you prefer crushed ice or cubed?
Cubed
What print is on your plates or cups in your kitchen?
No print, but I do have a Homer Simpson mug that says "Whenever I learn something new, it pushes old stuff out"
Have you ever made a mixed cd for someone?
Yup - halfway through one just now as it happens
What do you want to buy from an infomercial?
We don't have infomercials
Do you believe that animals have souls?
Why wouldn't they?
What word/phrase do you find really annoying?
when people say "Pacific" instead of "Specific"
Do you have a lava lamp or a black light?
My lava lamp broke and ruined a couch
Do you find yourself not having enough electrical outlets?
yes actually
What is the longest you can wait patiently?
Jeebers, as long as it takes if its worth waiting for.
Have you ever been under anesthesia?
Once
Are your fingernails long or short?
Short
Are you afraid of bright colors?
No, but if they are too bright I would look ridiculous
Has anyone ever accused you of being gay?
Barely a day goes by...
Can you tell people honest things to their face?
Of course
Would you rather eat grits or oatmeal?
I have never tried grits
Do you own a kite?
No...but now you mention it I might buy one...and a frisbee.
Have you ever run down and up escalator or vice versa?
No, but I always wanted to - I have walked the wrong way along a travellator
What do you think of clothing for pets?
I think its cruel
Do you tend to want things you cannot have?
No, I tend to find ways to get the things I want
Is it true that you can be anything you want to be?
To an extent yes.
Were your parents honest to you about serious things when you were little?
I guess
Would you ever dye your hair purple?
No, it would ruin my air of gravitas
Who do you think should play you in a movie?
Steven Tyler out of Areosmith
Would you ever kill someone?
While I have felt the urge, no.
Do you prefer stripes or polka dots?
Both have their charms
Do you dot your is and cross your ts?
well, if you don't cross a T it is an L?
Are you double jointed in any way?
Nope
What kind of super power do you wish you had?
The power to summon Tea and Toast
Are you easily offended?
How dare you!
How often do you watch the news?
Most days
Do you have nightmares very much?
Exceptionally rarely
Which power ranger was your favorite?
The girl one
Did the movie Jaws ever scare you?
Yes, but in my defence I was 6 years old
Have you ever cried to get away with something?
I can't ever see that working for me.
What do you think of feminists?
They are people that adhere to a political doctrine
Are you friends with anyone famous?
Yes...for a given level of fame
Do you lack common sense sometimes?
I sometimes don't think before I speak/act
Are you afraid of snakes?
No
Do you use recycle bins at your house?
Fanatically
How hot do you like the water in your shower?
Nice and hot
Do you ever walk around your house naked?
All the time
What is your favorite art form?
I like all the arts
Do you want to be bilingual?
I'd like my spanish to be a little better
Is energy wasted on little kids?
I'm not sure I understand what you mean?
Do you lie to make people feel better?
I have done, but less so recently
How many times a day do you look at the clock?
I never counted, I'll get back to you on that
Do you like to organize things?
Certain things yes, but I like a bit of chaos
Are you going to have smile lines or frown lines when youre older?
Both
Do you floss your teeth every day?
Yes
Do you like the game red rover?
ummm...i don't know...thats clearly an american name for something.
Which is better, thick crust or thin?
Thick crust is an aberration
How good are you at keeping secrets?
I'm the best (I usually forget them anyway)
What stupid little thing really stresses you out?
Cling-film
Can you remember what you wore yesterday?
Yes
Which Disney parks have you been to?
None, been to Downtown Disney though
What do you think the drinking age should be?
18 seems good enough
Do you like to wear socks?
Yes
What is the last cartoon you watched?
South Park
What does your bed comforter look like?
I don't think I have one.
Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!"
Rochdale couple John and Barbara Deccles have spoken of their concern over their 19-year-old son Nathan’s inability to maintain virtual relationships.
‘We can’t get him online’, confessed an embarrassed Mr Daccles. ‘He just locks himself away in the pub and we don’t see him for days. When he’s not down at the Rat and Parrot drinking, he’s playing football or going to the cinema,’ added his mother. ‘I doubt he’s ever Tweeted in his life. It’s not natural for a boy his age’.
The couple admit to going to extreme lengths to cover up their son’s inadequacies. ‘His father trawls the Web for hours pretending to be Nathan, just to keep the neighbours from talking,’ said Mrs Deccles. ‘I’ve lost count of the amount of pornography John’s downloaded.’
‘When I’m at the pub with my mates, they’re all busy on Twitter,’ said Nathan, ‘telling people who aren’t there what a great time they’re having, but I just want to play pool or talk to girls and stuff.
‘Put me in front of a chatroom and I just fall apart’, Nathan admitted. ‘I doubt I’d ever go online at all,’ he added, ‘if it wasn’t so fantastically useful for masturbation – which they keep on complaining to me about down at the Rat and Parrot.’
Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?
However...
If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
All the cool kids seems to be doing this, so I thought I'd have a go...
Spell your name with bands/artists
B - Black Uhuru
L - Lily Allen
O - Orbital
O - Orb (the)
K - King Crimson
Y - Yellowman
layer two.
- name: Blooky
- birth date: 06-AUG-71
- nicknames: Blurky, Bent-one
- current location: Work
- eye color: Green/Grey/Blue...with a bit of brown
- hair color: Brown
- righty or lefty: Left
- best friend[s]: Morning Star, My sister, James & Dave
layer three.
- the shoes you wore today: Biker Boots
- your perfect pizza: Pepperoni
- the last time you cried: Couple of days ago thining about my Godson
layer four.
- your best physical feature: Don't know...
- most missed memory: Summer on the canals
layer five.
- pepsi or coke: Dr Pepper
- mcdonald's or burger king: BK
- adidas or nike: Don't care
- lipton ice tea or nestea: Dar-jeeling
- chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
- cappuccino or coffee: Coffee, strong, black
layer six.
- curse: May all your teeth fall out except one, which gives you toothache.
- do you sing: Yes
- take a shower everyday: Daily
- do you think you have been in love: I am completely in love right now
- want to go to college: Not again
- get motion sickness: Used to
- think you're a health freak: Not exactley
- get along with your parents: Yup
- play an instrument: (sounds like an order) Guitar, penny whistle, a bit of drums and piano
layer seven.
in the past three months..
- gone to the mall: Yes
- eaten an entire box of oreos: no
- eaten Sushi: Yes
- been on stage: Yes
- gone skating: No
- made homemade cookies: No
- stolen anything: someones heart
layer eight.
have you ever..
- gotten in big trouble with your parents: I once overflowed the bath and made the cieling downstairs fall down.
- used a fake id: No
layer nine.
- age you hope to be married: 38
- number of children: none so far
layer ten.
in a guy..
- Best eye color: no preference
- best hair color: no preference
- short hair or long hair: no preference
layer eleven.
- number of people I could trust with my life?: 3
- number of cds you own: don't know
- number of piercings: one active (i don't wear my earing anymore)
- number of tattoos: 4
layer twelve.
- the one place you never want to go back to: Benidorm
- the one place where you want to die: I don't mind so long as people know what they meant to me
- the one feeling you have never felt: The joy of being a grandmother
- the one person you would like to meet: She knows who she is
