Believe it or not, the dynamics of a BDSM relationship are often driven by the submissive, not by the dominant. The submissive sets the limits; the submissive decides what places can and can not be explored; the submissive has the ability to call a halt to the scene. The dominant, in many ways, is simply a facilitator. It's the dominant's job to create a setting where the people involved can explore the submissive's fantasies.
(As an aside, it's important to note that these limits can change over time. It may be that something that used to sound like it wouldn't be fun or interesting might in the future tickle your fancy; and that things you enjoy now, you may not necessarily enjoy in the future. People change over time. It's important, when you explore BDSM, to remember that, and to make a habit of talking to your partner about things you like and don't like as those things change.)
Dominating your partners does not mean that you don't want to please them. It is not always, or even usually, true that a dominant is interested in his own gratification rather than his submissive's. In fact, many dominants are driven as much by their desire to please their partner as by anything else; the psychology of a healthy BDSM relationship is driven by the submissive as well as by the dominant, and a dominant can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the submissive just as easily as the submissive can take pleasure from gratifying the needs of the dominant. This kind of thing is not one-directional.
It's all for the submissive's benefit? Yeah, right. The submissive is the one being bossed around or spanked or whatever. How can you say that isn't abuse?
Simple. Two reasons:
In a BDSM relationship, the submissive sets the limits. A victim of abuse doesn't get a vote; the victim can't tell the abuser what to do, or how much to do it. A submissive sets all the limits--what kinds of things can be (and can't be!) done, how much, and for how long.
And while we're on the subject of limits, there is more than one kind of limit in a BDSM relationship. Everybody has "hard" limits--things that they absolutely will not do, and will not even consider. Some people, for example, like to be tied up but don't like the idea of being whipped; if they won't allow themselves to be whipped, ever, that's a hard limit.
There are also "soft" limits--things that someone won't do under ordinary circumstances, but will allow to be "forced" on him or her in the context of a particular scenario that's being acted out. Between soft limits and hard limits lies an interesting psychological territory to explore.
A submissive gets a way to opt out. This may be a code word, or a sign of some sort; if the submissive uses it, he or she has had enough and the scene is over. An abuse victim doesn't tell the abuser when to stop.
So don't you have to be kind of sick or messed up to do that stuff?
No.
C'mon, really. I mean, tying people up...whipping them. Isn't that demented?
No.
For the most part, people who are into this kind of thing are remarkably well-adjusted. People involved in BDSM generally are neither abusive nor come from backgrounds where they were abused, because people with that kind of backgrounds aren't likely to be sexually turned on by giving someone else power over them. That doesn't mean that no BDSM relationship is abusive--since people are what they are, no form of human interaction is immune to abuse. But it does mean that the people you'll find in the BDSM community are, for the most part, very stable. (In fact, if you're going to get involved in this kind of stuff, it helps to have a cast-iron ego and a strong sense of self, particularly if you're a submissive.)
Some people think anyone interested in BDSM is suffering from some kind of past abuse. I think that the "BDSM interest=past abuse" assertion is most frequently made by people who don't understand what BDSM is. They see someone being flogged, they say "Oh! People in a BDSM relationship get hit; people in an abusive relationship get hit; ergo, BDSM is like an abusive relationship. QED."
But the fact is, the psychology of a BDSM power exchange is vastly different from the psychology of abuse; and in a BDSM relationship, the psychology is frequently driven by the limitations of the submissive, not the dominant. Typically, it is the submissive who says "This far and no farther"--which is entirely contradictory to the psychology of abuse.
Now I'm not saying that people into BDSM are never victims of abuse, of course. If you survey any arbitrary group of people--all lawyers, all redheads, all Toyota Camry owners, all BDSM participants--you'll find that some people in that group are abuse survivors. But that doesn't imply a direct connection between abuse and the practice of law, or hair color, or choice of transportation...or BDSM.
The psychiatric profession agrees, In fact, according to the DSM-IV, the standard diagnostic reference text "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" published by the American Psychiatric Association, The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors must cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning in order for sexual sadism or masochism to be considered a disorder.
BDSM is not what it looks like from the outside. It's not just tying people up and having sex, and it's not just arbitrarily whipping people. That's very crude, and kind of boring. What it is is a sort of role-playing, where the people involved are acting out a fantasy that involves taking or giving up power. Sex is often involved, but not always.
Role-playing? Fantasy? You make it sound like it's all some kind of game.
It is. You're exercising your imagination, and you're playing a game with the other person. You get to be the dominant; your partner is the submissive; you're playing the role of the mad scientist who's just kidnapped someone and is going to use this poor innocent person for evil experiments. Or whatever. (There are people who do this all the time--one always the dominant, one always the submissive--who will tell you it isn't a game, but that's part of the game.)
At the same time, however, it is very serious. You're creating a framework that allows you to have fun and explore some very powerfully charged areas of human psychology, and push your boundaries at the same time. In this way, BDSM can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and exploration.
You can also explore fantasies by roleplaying scenarios that are highly charged psychologically. One such type of exploration is a form of BDSM called "resistance play," in which one person (the dominant) takes another person (the submissive) by force, and the submissive is expected and encouraged to resist by force. This kind of play is not everyone's cup of tea, of course, but it can be a safe and fun way to explore some of the darker fantasies that are very common in a surprising number of people.
This also can lead you into some highly volatile psychological territory. Even if it seems like something you really want to experiment with, it's possible that it can hit some psychological triggers that produce a reaction you didn't expect. So it pays to go carefully.
Many of the standard rules of BDSM apply doubly or triply to this kind of scenario. For example, using a "safeword"--a code word that means "Stop!"--is absolutely vital when you're experimenting with resistance play; one of the tenants of resistance play is that "no" does not mean "no," so you need a word that does
It also pays to negotiate the basic parameters in which you'll operate beforehand. Different people have different idea of what constitutes "force" or how rough "rough" is. If everyone involved isn't on the same page, someone may get hurt in a way that isn't so fun.
Whoa, wait a minute. Force? Whipping? That's supposed to be FUN??
It is fun, if that's your sort of thing. The experience of being flogged is nothing like what you imagine it would be like. For the most part, it's more stimulating than painful. Ditto for the experience of acting out, say, a resistance-play fantasy.
Quite honestly, there was a time when I drew the line at the whipping thing. I was absolutely certain I'd never, ever, under any circumstances, allow someone to flog me. Not me, no sir.
But then I tried it (long story), and it was absolutely nothing like what I though it'd be like.
Ever have a really deep massage? The kind that hurts, but still feels good? Same thing, only more so.
Besides, when you're sexually aroused, all kind of stimulation can be fun. Ever had a lover who left gouges in your back during sex? Or one who bites? It's very passionate and intense. If you're in the right frame of mind, even a flogging that leaves welts isn't really painful, precisely--not like stubbing your toe, or running into the edge of the bathroom wall at two o'clock in the morning because you didn't turn the light on. It's more like the lover who claws your back when she gets off thing. But hey, if it's not for you, don't do it.
Damn straight! I would never do that; I respect my lover too much.
Experimenting with intense things like resistance play and pain play do not mean you do not respect your lover. Quite the contrary; respect for your lover is absolutely paramount if you wish to do these things safely.
Respect for your lover is not just in behaving according to some ideal about the way "men are supposed to treat women" or whatever. Respect for your lover lies in exploring with your lover, creating with your lover, doing with your lover those things that you and your lover wish to do, sharing yourself on a very deep level with your lover... It's reflected in everything you say, do, express, feel, and think with your lover.
Different people want, need, and value different things. Respect recognizes those differences. And above all else, respect is an integral part of the mutual process of self-exploration and self discovery.
Now hold on a minute, kink-boy. We're talking about kinky S&M here, not Buddhism. What do you mean, "self exploration?"
Just that.
BDSM is a very broad term that encompasses many wildly different practices, and many wildly different beliefs. But central to all these things is the idea of challenging boundaries and testing limits--and that's precisely what self-exploration is all about.
You cannot know your limits if you never test them and never explore them. You may know some general things, but you can't truly know yourself if you have never explored and never experimented. As Francis Bacon wrote, Your true self can be known only by systematic experimentation, and controlled only by being known.
BDSM provides a context and a set of tools for exploring your own personal boundaries in a safe, fun, enjoyable, and mutually reciprocal way. It provides a vehicle by which you can get to know yourself and your lover much more deeply and intimately than you might have thought possible. And hey, you often find along the way that you can be surprised! You probably have turn-ons that you don't even know you have, and you will never discover without exploration.
And that, my friend, can truly enrich your life and the life of your lover.
When it comes right down to it, if your goal is self-knowledge and personal enlightenment, I put six months in a BDSM relationship up there with three years in a Tibetan monastery any day.
But where do you draw the line? How much is too much?
You draw the line wherever you want to. There isn't one way to "do" BDSM, and not everybody is in to the same things. If you like being tied up, but you don't want to be whipped, then don't be whipped! Every person is unique; not everybody has the same turn-ons; if you don't like something, don't do it.
Most people who practice BDSM believe in "safe, sane, and consensual."
That means: Don't do anything blatantly unsafe; don't try anything that's likely to get you killed or injured if you screw up, and don't do something if you aren't sure how. Be reasonable and rational. Know the difference between fantasy and reality. Make sure you're both into it before you do it. Do that, and you'll probably be okay. It's like anything else; exploring an interest in fine cuisine doesn't mean you have to like fish eggs! If it isn't for you, then that's where you draw the line.
But once you get involved in this sort of thing, don't you keep going further and further? Can you ever stop?
This isn't really a question about BDSM. This is a question about human nature.
People are very, very complex creatures, and it's unrealistic to think that you know the whole truth about every aspect of yourself without ever having experimented with the things that turn you on. There are many things that I thought would never appeal to me that experimentation has proven are huge turn-ons for me, and I suspect the same is true of most people.
Not even "most people who are into BDSM"--most people. Nobody is completely static, and nobody can be expected to know absolutely everything about himself or herself from the get-go.
So yeah, when you start experimenting, you may find that there are things that turn you on that you never thought would turn you on. But then again, unless you are hopelessly shallow, as you go through life you'll probably discover new things that turn you on even if you don't get involved with BDSM!
And of course you can stop. Just because you learn something new about yourself, that doesn't mean you're changing into some kind of raving, uncontrolled lunatic! It just means you've discovered something new, that's all.
But how do I know if it is for me? How do I know if I'm a dominant or a submissive? How do I know if I like any of this stuff?
That depends on you. It's not like there's only one kind of person who's into BDSM; and it's not like only men are dominant or only women are submissive. (In fact, the deck seems to be tilted in favor of men who are submissives.)
And you don't necessarily even have to be dominant or submissive! Maybe you like experimenting with being tied up, or tying up your lover, but all that bossing-about stuff does nothing for you. So, the terms "dominant" or "submissive" may not apply to you, even though you do want to experiment with some aspects of BDSM. Don't get hung up on the terminology. It's really not that important.
Are you into any of this at all? Well, that depends. Have you ever had fantasies about being tied up and helpless while unspeakable things are done to your body? Have you ever wanted to be able to tell your lover exactly what to do ("Get on your knees and bark like a dog!")? You might enjoy experimenting with this sort of thing. Hey, there are worse things in the world than having an interesting and varied sex life--and if you experiment and decide it isn't for you, so be it!
