I want something epic out of this life. I want the love and affection of a man that I love. I want chemistry, fireworks, knowing before anything has to be said that this is who I will spend my life with.. I had that feeling once, and I lost it. I lied to myself, and played myself short for what I can offer in a relationship, and my decisions came back to bite me. I am scared, literally almost to death sometimes, that I will mess up, make the wrong choice, end up alone.. I'm queasy just thinking about it. I let no one in that close anymore. I've been beaten, mistreated, left alone, ignored. Stalked, verbally abused, and chased by some that refuse to take no for an answer, and I let them all believe what they want. Who am i? Poisonous, venomous, I can drown you in the deepest sorrow you've ever known, because my sadness is like a disease.. I'm negative to the deepest part of my soul, and I will draw you in. I just want someone to lift me out and hold me close. Isn't that the most ridiculous cliche' thing you've ever heard? But it's true. And when I'm alone, when everyone I know is asleep, I sit by myself hashing and rehashing my decisions to the point of ambiguity. Because as much as I hate myself, I know I chose this. The only way to feel better is to choose better. If I feel like I'm making a mistake, my breathing and my heart rate accelerate; the edges close in, and I'm floating in a massive sea of nothing.. No decisions to make, no choices available.. I am not responsible and it's deafening..