I declared a pox on online dating this past Sunday evening. It was just a temporary bout of insanity, so no worries, but you know my weekend was utter crizzap to lead to such measures.
I was double dawg dared to go out with this 25-year-old marine corps girl this past Sunday. I thought it'd be good writing material, but frankly, I'm just trying to put that day behind me. Recalling it in detail may cause me to curl up in fetal position and fall asleep; that date was bad enough that I'm now a sufferer of post traumatic stress syndrome.
I'm not even lying about this: when I called her cell phone, instead of hearing it ring, it played My Country Tis of Thee. For real.
Just a couple of things this girl said that made me throw up a little in my mouth:
Me: So...
Her: Something people don't know about me is that I speak Japanese.
Me: Oh, yeah? Have you been to Japan before?
Her: (with a chuckle) Oh, yes, yes. Three times, actually.
Later, we met at a trendy bar, where she prosted instead of cheersing. What an uber dork she was.
The trendy bar was a total frat-boy environment, which is like, totally not my scene, yo. Still, I got a kick out of the pop music being played because it'd been awhile since I'd heard Pink, Ludacris, and J. Tim. I actually randomly laughed out loud at some point and was all:
"God, it's been so long since I've heard standard pop songs in a bar, it's almost refreshing."
To which she responded:
"Really? What do you normally hear in bars?"
"You know, your regular indie hipster type music. KEXP stuff."
"Really?!? Where do you go??"
Y'all. I'll go to practically every bar in Austin if given the chance. I think there are only three bars in Austin that don't play hipster music, and we managed to hit two of them that day.
I'm actually not whining about that aspect. I was happy to hear about Luda's ho's in different area codes instead of the Arcade Fire's latest hit for a change.
Here is how I'm different than about 98% of Austin's population: I don't own any music by Bright Eyes, Death Cab for Cutie, or the Flaming Lips.
I do own Nickelback's most recent album. So there.
Anyway - I got off subject for a minute - the point is, despite me being happy to hear Pink requesting for us to get retarded, these aren't the sort of places I frequent. Although I don't listen to Death Cab, I fit in at hipster joints just fine.
And now on to something completely different:
On Thursday afternoon, My Ex and I ended up corresponding via email:
her: I'm wearing a chastity belt around for you, dude.
me: I'll spank you with that chastity belt.
OMG! Blush!
These naughty emails continued for awhile and Thursday evening, despite my better judgment, I found myself waiting for her to join me at a bar close to where I stay. After I'd finished a beer though, and was still waiting, I started to walk home. When I was about half a block away, she pulls up in her car.
As she and I are prone to do, we immediately started arguing, which led the conversation to arrive at this point:
me: I don't know why I'm putting up with this shit. I at least need to be doing a girl up the butt before I listen to shit like this.
her: God, you sound like the last guy I dated.
me: That's great. Thanks for bringing that up.
Apparently she wasn't happy about me mentioning previous girlfriends and buttsex. Because she's clearly Ms. Etiquette and is always polite and sensitive.
Although she was less than two feet away from where I was standing, she drove home and I walked home, my feet are calloused from always trekking this hilly city.
So, I'm all ready to throw in my dating hat by this point. I needed a break.
Somehow or another though, yesterday early evening, I ended up sitting in a swanky hotel bar on the river, playing backgammon with Ms. fucking ambivalent. We drive each other crazy, but we can't leave each other alone, and something works there.
There's more to tell, but time is a bitch and I gotta go. Stay tuned.
