I lovr dirty jokes. In fact I'm going to share a few with you here. Please be advised if your offened easily dont read. These are pretty long so if you dont have time to read them all thats fine. Once again most likely NSFW at all. Enjoy! Please understand that my jokes are just that. I dont mean to offend anyone at all. Thank you
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it.”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “$25.00”
The next few weeks find the boy and her mother’s lover in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball mitt.”
The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy: “$75.00”
Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy: “$100.00”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church and making you confess.”
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, then closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”
Lep
A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While he’s doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson.
“I’m sorry for staring,” says the guy, “but you’re huge.”
“That’s because I’m a leprechaun,” says the short man. “All leprechauns are well-endowed.”
“I’d do anything to have a penis that size,” sighs the guy.
“It just so happens that I can grant wishes,” says the leprechaun. “If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, I’ll give you a bigger penis.”
The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they’re going at it, the man cries out, “I can’t believe I’m letting a leprechaun screw me!”
“I can’t believe that you believe I’m a leprechaun!”
Widow
A widow goes on her first date since her husband’s death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.
“You can touch me anywhere else,” she says, “but down there I’m still mourning.”
“I figured as much,” says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to offer my deepest condolences.”
Q: What's the best part of a blow job?
A: The 10 minutes of silence.
Father Mike is hearing confessions one day when he gets the urge to take a leak. He motions the janitor over.
“Hey, Bob,” he says. “Take over. If someone comes in, just check the list on the wall and give ’em their penance.”
Bob wearily agrees, and no sooner does he take over than a woman enters the booth and blurts out, “Father, I can’t stop giving anal sex to strangers.”
Bob frantically checks the list but can’t find anything about anal sex. He peeks through the curtain and sees an altar boy lighting candles.
“Psst! Altar boy!” Bob calls. “What does Father Mike give for anal sex?”
“As of last week,” says the altar boy, “two lollipops and a soda.”
Non eraction
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”
“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”
“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”
Power of Deduction
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Indians They Ain’t
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Family Values
Q: Moms have Mother’s Day and dads have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
Rough competition
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"
"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"
Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter.
“Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asks.
St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.”
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?”
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.
“I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff.
“It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn’t.”
A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn’t hear her correctly and says, “Come again?”
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, “Oh, no it’s just mustard this time.”
The Fear of God
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school. The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.
His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”
“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
Where’s The Fire?
A man is walking down the street and sees a little boy riding a toy fire engine that’s being pulled by a Dalmatian. Unfortunately, the rope is tied around the dog’s balls, and as a consequence, the toy truck is going very slowly.
The man says to the boy, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck."
"I guess so," says the kid, "but then I wouldn’t have a siren."
John dies and arrives in hell. He’s met by the devil and told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles.
The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a young college co-ed is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.
John tells the devil, “This is more like it!”
The devil says, “Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!”
John replies, “Yes!”
So the devil walks over to the young woman and says, “You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.”
Two gay guys are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of the guys looks at the other guy’s penis and notices there’s a Nicoderm patch on it. He turns to the other guy and says, “I believe you’re supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.”
“It’s working just fine,” the other guy replies, “I’m down to 2 butts a day.”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when Tonto suddenly stops, climbs down off his horse and puts his ear to the ground.
The Lone Ranger waits a few seconds before asking Tonto, “What is it?”
“Buffalo come,” Tonto replied.
“How can you tell?”
“Ear sticky.”
Good to the Last Drop
A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and orders her to open the vault. She says, “But, sir, it’s just a sperm bank!”
“Open it now!” he demands.
She opens the vault, and it’s full of test tube samples.
“Take one and drink it,” says the guy.
“But it’s sperm!” she pleads.
“Do it!”
So the nurse sucks it back.
“That one there, drink that one as well,” he continues.
The nurse does as she’s told.
Finally, after four samples the man takes off his ski mask. It’s her husband! “See?” he says. “Was it that bad?”
What came first
Q: What came first the chicken or the egg.
A: The chicken came first and the egg was pissed.
A 92-year-old man moved into a retirement home where he immediately met a 90 year old woman. They hit it off right away.
After a few weeks of spending time together, the man said, “You know, we’re past our sexual years, so I wonder if it would be okay for you to just hold my penis in your hand.”
The woman seemed surprised, but said, “Well, I guess it wouldn’t do any harm to just hold it.” So, for the next few weeks, they could always be found on a park bench near a lake, the lady holding the man’s penis in her hand.
One day the old man didn’t show up. Beginning to worry, the lady set out in search of him. A few blocks away, sitting on another park bench was the old man…with another woman.
The first old lady approached the couple and saw the other woman holding the man’s penis in her hand. She became very upset and yelled to the man, “I thought we had something special. Now, I find you with another woman, and she’s holding your penis in her hand. What does she have that I don’t have???”
The old man looked up, smiled, and said…“Parkinson’s.”
