Ripp's blog: "Hurt Me"

Well what can i say. I am 29 divorced and have 3 beautiful wonderful kids that are 7 , 9, and 11. I have been through a lot in my life and tired of all the bullshit. My marriage lasted for about 6yrs and then been through 3 other serious relationships since then and all of them didnt work out either. Im the kind of guy that puts all of my heart and soul into something when im serious about certain things. I know what i want and i go after it. Call me stupid but im a determined kind of guy and i dont give up easily. Ive obviously been hurt quite a bit otherwise i wouldnt be putting it all out there like this. I dont know what i can do to change things to make people see how i really am cause i do a really good job of hiding things now. Cause every time i show how i really am i end up getting hurt all of the time. Its the people that i am right in front of that have been there the whole time that dont even see it cause they are too blind or dumb to even notice that right in front of them is a really nice guy that could be the one that they are looking for. And they have no idea. Its like the old saying goes, You dont know what you got till its gone. How true this is and i had to learn this the hard way. All of my close family and friends that know what i have gone through know who and what i am talking about. I just want someone that isnt going to hurt me anymore. Im a very sweet and compassionate kind of guy that is very, well... some people have said that i can be considered a hopeless romantic and thats probably true. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve i guess. I dont know where i am supposed to be in life and i guess i never will till i get there. And right now i know im still not there. Every time i turn around i have something that falls in my lap that either lasts for a while and then walks right the hell out the door or i find someone that i really think could be very good for me and they turn into a drug addict or alchoholic. I had stopped drinking and have been clean for about 3yrs now. Well it was Jan 20th 2006 to be exact. When i was at a show at a local bar which was one of our very last shows as a cover band and i got totally shitfaced and lost the love of my life and nearly lost my life in the process. Swore up and down i would never do that again. And a lot of you know all too well about that night. But anyway i cant say that i have quit drinking cause i found myself drinking occasionally every now and then but im trying to stop again cause if i dont want this in someone else then it wouldnt be right of me to be doing the same thing. But anyway like i said i just want someone that understands me for me and wants to be with me and likes the person that i am and not try to change me cause damnit i am who i am and if people want to think that i am not the hardass that they want me to be well then i dont need you. FUCK OFF!!! Deal with it or dont talk to me at all. I dont know what else to say to this at the moment so i will just leave it at that for now.

Hold on, because when I start I tend to ramble on and on pointlessdown. I think that's the only constant in my life. I'm not one of those brooding, self loathing, punk asses that stays home and is constantly bitter. I'm actually quite the opposite. I'm eccentric, but not an outcast. I may seem shy at first but once I open up my main goal is to make you laugh. I may also seem judgmental. Also something I'm not, unless I'm judged first. Don't make me be either cause I can be brutal. I'm not an ignorant person and I'm very open minded but unfortunately I'm not "free willed", I let my emotions get the best of the me; especially when I'm judged. My shyness makes it hard for me to open up to people, but once I do you'll find out I'm an attention whore. All in all, I'm just a dork. I actually use my friendliness and silliness to mask how I really feel inside. One of my biggest catastrophic down falls is that I'm too kind hearted. I'm often surrounded by broken promises and people that let me down. I'm like a moth to a flame when it comes to people that will hurt me in the long run whether be it friendship, relationship, or someone that I just met off the street that was in distress. Everyone says this: "you'll never meet a person like me!" That's so cliche. I hate hearing that (or reading that on here). Trust me you won't. Don't let my appearance fool you or even let your first impression do the same. I'm not some socialite that's the life of the party either. Do I enjoy to be surrounded by people that would consider me friends? Yes. Truthfully are most people I know really friends? Some. I would be just as pleased sitting at home listening to music or creating a new song. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have experienced a lot of things that have happened in my life, but then I wouldn't be who I am today. And who I am today is a stronger person with no regrets that's just trying to rebuild a broke dream. Actually No that's not true I'm not trying to rebuild a broken dream. I'm trying to start over and build a new dream and live life the way I want from now on. With the rules that have been only set by me. ly. What about me? Hmmmmm, what could I say, and where do i start? I recently realized that nothing in life really matters at all and love is just a crazy mixed up emotion. It does exist, but it's one sided; in every instance. Reading this far should already made any half-way intelligent person realize that I'm extremely neurotic. There shouldn't be anything more to life than love, but that in no way is that the case. People are materialistic, compulsive, and usually have a hidden agenda. Please realize that I'm not bitter, I just finally view life the way it really is: painful, bleak, dark, and short. Love brings hope, and hope is a persons greatest strength and also an entry way into insanity. I wear my heart on my sleeve and in no way am I ashamed of it. I'm riddled with scars: literally and metaphorically. There was a time that i would cringe if you saw them, but they are wounds none the less some have healed while others are just there... festering, but in time they too will heal, and be just a mark, a memory. Some memories are scars because they tell a painful story. Much like many of mine. Pain: something I no longer fear. I welcome it with open arms. I have survived my worst fear, there's nothing I fear any longer. Why would there be anything to fear? I've lost the one thing that mattered but I still stand, no it's time to move on with life. I anticipate being let down as i always am so now i am living by the rules only set by me.