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A war against one’s self.
I wage a war against…myself. I am victorious yet I’ve lost at the same time. I desire and crave yet nothing nullifies my thirst. I love and hate. Myself. Others. Life. Death. I see yet I’m oblivious. I feel yet I can’t touch. I surmise yet I can’t verify. Truth trumps lies or is it the other way around? I am a beaten man.
Beaten by whom you ask ? You know who you are. You win. Like a dog losing a fight , I bare my neck to you. You win. I can’t do this anymore. The constant search for acceptance or a friendly smile that says “all will be… ok”. But we know, in our heart of hearts , it’s.not.ok. Ok is transient. Ok today and not tomorrow. Constant change sometimes for the better , usually not. I’ve grown accustomed to feeling empty inside. Do I like this feeling? Not at all . But it’s a security blanket of sorts. It envelopes me. It embraces me. It’s what I know…and frankly all I’ve ever felt.
Have you been surrounded by people, perhaps at a bar? A nightclub or some similar social setting…yet feel totally alone? Isolated? Wishing you could scream “Here I am”. Yet you say or do nothing. You slink out ,unnoticed…into the night. Sure you hurt but it’s a pain that you are somewhat comfortable with.
How does this relate to fubar? It goes hand in hand …. A perfect mesh. So many promises are made. A pact between two lovers. Yet something is said or not. A comment is made and taken the wrong way. A virtual gift gets in the way of real feelings. Long distance love and close to home heart ache. So the battle lines were drawn. The rules of engagement set. The order to fire was given. And there were casualties. To the victors go the spoils…and to the loser , a cry was let out. Off to lick ones wounds and to move on. To move on to what ? To regroup and a formulate another plan of attack ? Maybe. There is no war of attrition here. Only clear cut winners and losers. I fall into the later category. You win. Enjoy the sweet taste of victory my darling.
