What is it that makes humiliation such a hot activity for me? I've thought about it for a long time and have found that it's very difficult to explain. Why do I like it when my dominant calls me his whore or his slut? Or on the nights that I am ordered to sleep on the floor, bound to the bed; why do I look forward to bedtime? It's because of the positive effects that result from it.
Verbal humiliation. Name calling, derogatory tone of voice, goading. Those things affect my sexuality. When I'm called dirty names I'm really accepting permission to enjoy sex to the fullest. It's when the slut in me gets to come out to play and enjoy the wet and messy and dirty fun aspects of sex. A whore? You bet. I'll be a whore, a personal whore. I'll pleasure you because it pleasures me.
Yes I'm a whore and a slut. Those parts of me only get shown to a select few, but they are there and they like to come to play. It's hard for me to show that side of myself, sometimes I need to be goaded or pushed into allowing my deeper reactions to come out. It frees me. I can shed the behaviours I've learned in 'polite society' and indulge myself in the carnal pleasure of life.
Physical humiliation is a little different. There are challenges to be met there. I know I'm entertaining my dominant when he is putting me through some kind of physical humiliation. Don't sit on the furniture, sleep on the floor, I don't care if your stocking tops show. These things challenge me in one part of my life or another.
Sleeping on the floor, for me, gives me a feeling of ownership. I feel that I am owned and that my dominant can do as he chooses with me. It gives me the opportunity to show my submission in a fashion that isn't sexual. These things can be fun. Try spending the day without using furniture! It will drive you crazy, but it's so much fun to trying to get through the day without the things for granted. Ever tried having a bowl of soup when you can't use a table? It's not as easy as you'd think. If I've been given a day or, heaven forbid, a weekend, where I can't use furniture, I look forward to it and dread it at the same time. It's difficult but at the same time it's a challenge to succeed.
I love being able to report to my dominant, whether it be via email, telephone or in person, that I was successful. Getting to tell of my adventures, how I overcame the hard parts, the fun I had. Getting to listen or see my dominants reactions, knowing that he's enjoying the story, or is having fun watching my antics. It makes me happy to make him happy. If he enjoys making my life a little harder that's fine with me because even though it's hard, it's also usually lots of fun.
Sometimes, just having my day-to-day actions controlled represents a form of humiliation for me. Taking away my choices, forcing me, albeit consensually, to do as I'm told and not necessarily what I want, thrills me. Order my dinner when were out without asking me what I want to eat. Make me ask permission before I may use the washroom, make me wait a little, make me panic a little before finally allowing me to go. Determine what I will or won't wear, when I can or cannot speak. It forces me to rely on my dominant and to put my focus on him. It reinforces the D/s component of the relationship. It strengthens the bond for me.
Sexual humiliation is very hot for me. Again, I know I'm pleasing my dominant. I know he's having fun toying with me. Making me beg to come, using me for his sexual pleasure without considering my own physical needs, making me do things I would never have considered doing a couple of years ago. It pushes me past my comfort zone, forces me to accept desires I have trouble accepting in myself. It can open my mind and my body to new sensations and new desires.
Have me stick my ass in the air and insert my own butt plug, or worse insert it for me. Make me masturbate in front of you, put a show on for you. Make me work to get and keep your attention. Make me want to do all those things for you more than I already do. Whew! It gets me going. The passion increases, the sexual tension increases, my need to please increases but at the same time it is satisfied.
Humiliation addresses a few things for me. It provides me with challenges that, when met, increase my confidence. It gives me opportunities to be selfless and to please my dominant without any sexual gratification for me. It can induce fear, which I love, in a safe environment where I know I won't be harmed. It makes me rely on my dominant in a way that reinforces the bond between us.
I don't see it as a negative activity, at least not in the ways that I have experienced it. I see it as a positive and empowering thing. The successes I obtain, the strengthening of my relationship spill over into the rest of my life and give me more confidence and strength to face difficulties and challenges there. I am more confident, happier and stronger. What's wrong with that?
It's a mental thing. I know I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do. That is a given in any relationship that I will ever enter into. But I have fears, and if I can be lead past them, be they physical, emotional or psychological ones, when I can overcome them and still hold my head up I feel better about myself.
It's important for me to get the positive reinforcement from my dominant when using humiliation in a BDSM situation. I can't imagine feeling good about enduring humiliation when all I was receiving was scorn or belittlement. Humiliation has to be done in a manner that allows me to gain something from the experience. I have to know that in the given situation it is OK, that it is what my dominant wants and that I am pleasing him by consenting to the activity.
In my opinion, humiliation should be used in a positive manner. In the same way that beating some submissives to the point of subspace gives her the physical feelings she craves, humiliation should give her the emotional feelings she craves. It will be different for each person, and each person will have areas that are danger zones and shouldn't be touched. But it can be a fun thing to do when done with the good of the submissive in mind.
Sometimes, humiliation gives me the permission I need to enjoy my sexuality. It has shown me that I can master the challenges put in front of me, that I can overcome my fears. These things are positive and influence me in other areas of my life. It also gives my dominant a huge power rush. He can exert his control on many levels from the immediate situation to long-term positive effects on the way I conduct myself and manage my life.
This isn't to say I am weak or without fortitude. It's just that I see immediate results from overcoming some of the challenges put in front of me. It reminds me that I can do things I might otherwise question. It also gives me a sure way to express my submission and satisfy my need to please. If it was easy it wouldn't be as valuable to me or my dominant nor would it be as rewarding.
Humiliation doesn't have to be a nasty and degrading experience. It doesn't have to mean or cruel to be effective. It can be a fun, positive and valuable aspect of BDSM play. For me, it's one of my favourites.
