I hid out for the first six years, then I began speaking out, when your partner is "the law" it's a lot harder escaping the hell you call home. If this story can help anyone you know, let me know about it, & pass it on.
My goal for this year is to make the awareness of DV a house hold name & to eventually erradicate DV.
********MY STORY***********
**********When is it okay to be hit & cursed at by your ________________? (Fill in the blank here> Spouse>Partner> Boy Friend> Friend?)
When I:
(A) Don't have the house cleaned.
(B) Don't have dinner ready!
(C) Don't have everything perfect!
Or when (D) I've done something he doesn't like.
If any of you answered any of the letters,
You got it wrong.
The CORRECT ANSWER
Is NEVER. IT is NEVER okay!
DUCKS:
Have you ever felt like you lived in a box? Everything is okay as long as ALL your ducks were in a row-BUT
if a duck was missing, or you weren't sure you did everything you were supposed to do before he got home
You're racing around desperately trying to find the missing duck before he gets home.
Rushing everywhere to get back in time.
? Will he be in a good mood? (Duck #1)
? Did he have a good day @ work today?(Duck#2)
? Did he stop for a drink or 2, or 3? & Is he drunk? (Ducks#3&4)
? Did he lose his job again? (Last Duck)
WORDS
Have you ever SAID these words?
? What did I do wrong?
? How can I fix it?
? I didn't talk to that man!
? I didn't look at that man!
? I don't want anyone else!
? You are all I ever want!
? I Love You!
? You're all I want!
? I Promise!
OR
? "Please don't hurt me!"
? "Please don't say that to me!"
? "Please don't talk to me like that!"
? "Please don't kick me!"
? "Please don't do that again!"
? "Please don't leave me. I'll be the way you want me to be. I'll do what you want me to do, just Please don't hurt me anymore!"
Has this ever been you? It's been me. I've been in your shoes I KNOW what you are going through, what you have gone through… You could say I have my MASTER'S DEGREE IN THAT KIND OF PAIN, HUMILIATION & PLAIN OLD FEAR!"
The SIGNS
Warning signs Which I only knew too well
Why shouldn't I? I was the peacemaker in my family; the oldest of five girls my Mom always told me to keep the peace at all costs & I had even been a volunteer Crisis Counselor for a local shelter; It was my job to be the person who could fix everything; Regardless of the pain, humiliation or anything I went through making the "peace" happen including saying It was my fault even when it wasn't. .
I COULD "FIX" EVERYTHING
Except my own life
I stayed too long
WAY PAST ALL THE SIGNS….
& I got to witness & watch my own execution style hit.
I'm here to tell you what happened
& How I struggled to survive so I could make a difference for FUTURE SURVIVORS of Violent crimes related to Domestic Violence.
If this story of Survival can help just one of you take the IMPORTANT STEP
Wouldn't that be awesome?
Let me introduce myself
I'm Ashley & I am a SURVIVOR OF Domestic Violence
THE SAFETY PLAN
? Have a sep. Checking & Or savings account that no one but you & The bank knows about.
? Establish Code Words with a trusted friend> Let me explain> Your trusted friend calls you & things are not fine> You have some sentences to say to them that your attacker is NOT AWARE of! This can be the difference between LIFE & DEATH
? Mine was: "I'm cleaning out the refrigerator!" Others could be>
? I'm fixing a Turkey sandwich
? I'm changing my socks> The purple ones? Your friend asks, You answer yes">Your friend is able to get Law Enforcement over to your place!
? Leave a PAPER TRAIL
? Establish a safe place that NO ONE knows about where you can go to.
? Don't keep the same magazines> Forward them to NURSING HOMES all over the STATE
? Close your VIDEO Accounts>Don't ever transfer these accounts, because you can be found this way.
? Never order home delivery for food or anything because your name & # will be in someone's database; All your husband has to do is go to the town where he thinks you are & go into all take out & delivery places & show them your picture He can say anything he wants to find you.
? NEVER LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS
WHEN TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!
A Gun in your mouth? A Gun @ your throat! A Gun against your head?
Is never a joke> YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER > YES YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS STATED UNTIL DEATH DO US PART, BUT IT'S NOT THEIR PLACE TO "DO US PART" It's time to GET OUT!
I pulled into my drive way after a long day at work & as I was getting out my car, I felt the first blow to the back of my head. I came to, as I was being dragged in my driveway. It was all like a slow motion horror movie. I could see the people & what they were doing, But I was unable to stop it. I watched them basically stage the crime that was planned so well. I saw my shoe being taken off & hung on the fence. I saw everything & when they came back towards me, I remember thinking, I hadn't told my parents' how much I loved them & now they would never know… That's the last thing I remember. I woke up in a hospital three months later.
I knew without a doubt that my husband had planned the whole thing right down to the last detail. I couldn't prove it, because he was good at what he did. He had basically been training all his adult life.
I immediately knew I had to get out. I put my safety plan into action!
This is what I DID
I left my family, including my teenage daughter behind. Went to a State that had a town not on the internet yet, had my name legally changed & found out that a program exists that gives survivors of D V & Violent Crimes New identities. While doing this, I discovered I was pregnant. Not ever wanting to know anything about the crime that was planned to end my life, I took this as a GIFT From God. When he was born & looked just like me, I got my confirmation.
During the name change, the Judge involved with my case called me back into her chambers & congratulated me for being so brave. She decided to always allow survivors to use their initials when changing their names & to seal the cases so no one could find them. I certainly didn't feel brave then, but I do now! I am so grateful & honored to have been asked to share my story at all the vigils for the Prevention of Domestic Violence & to be able to make a difference in the lives of future survivors of Domestic violence by talking. Please Don't let ANYONE hurt you verbally, emotionally or physically! If it feels wrong it probably is. Was what I did easy?
NO! I Couldn't take my daughter, my college education, my degrees, my work history, I couldn't even take my Blockbuster video account with me.
I COULD NEVER GO HOME AGAIN.
No weddings, No parties, no going home for the Holidays, no funerals, no birthdays, No high school reunions. Not even my own daughters graduation & future wedding: NOTHING That linked me to my family or my past! I had been told in the hospital I couldn't get a new identity, or even think about it, because of his Job. It would never benefit. He would always find me & before I left town, he did. He'd find me through my credit cards, vin number, phone records He would always know where I was even when I rented a car, he informed me he knew which card I had used to rent the car, what kind it was, what hotel I was at & the spot where the car was parked! I would come home & drawers would be left open. Pictures rearranged on my walls. But the doors would always remain locked. It was as if I was CRAZY to think anything was different.
Any one that helped me had this happen to them too!
He let me know that when I was in the coma on life support, I had been finger printed so that I could NEVER work in my profession or go anywhere without him finding me or knowing where I was. He said it didn't matter where I went he would always be there.
Even my parents were affected by this. When my Mom got sick, I knew it was time to take the drastic step. That would change my life, as I knew it FOREVER.
That is when I Put my Survival Plan into action! That was the day I lost my identity as I knew it… That was the day I died!
It took me four years not to turn when someone called my BIRTH Name!
It took me longer not to duck & block my face when anyone reached their arm or hand above my head which is embarrassing but a FIGHT OR FLIGHT reflex.
There's help here for everyone. The programs that helped me, can help you. The local shelters have trained people there. Law Enforcement are trained to help you.
There is HELP.
I know that I know that I know if it hadn't been for the Grace of God, I would be dead now, no one would EVER have found me.
THE FIRST TIME YOU GET HIT, PUNCHED, KICKED, VERBALLY ABUSED, BITTEN, BEATEN, SLAPPED OR SHOVED SHOULD BE THE LAST TIME. IF YOU ARE AFRAID????? JOIN THE CROWD. DO IT AFRAID! DO IT FOR OTHERS. DO IT FOR YOURSELF!
ACT AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. BECAUSE IT DOES!
My prayers are for all of the survivors present, for the loved ones who have lost people to this crime;
To all the Law Enforcement Officers who deal with this day in & day out Consistently putting their lives in danger.
Thank you!
By the way
Once the fear has subsided
& you are not looking over your shoulder
as much anymore
The feeling of NO FEAR
Not having to rush home
& make sure everything is perfect
Is a great feeling
& To all you Future Survivors
I pray for your safety & Courage each & every day.
Thank You
Ashley
