DO NOT RIP!!
When you lose someone you are very close to, it's hard to pick up the pieces and move on, especially if you never had the chance to tell that person goodbye. I lost someone very close to me, and at the time, I didn't realize I gave up the opportunity to tell him goodbye. Because of this, the guilt and regret from those unspoken words left, to say the least, a huge void in my heart.
My Uncle Jimmy was the person I favored most in the world. He had a warm and gentle heart, and he would do anything for anybody. I loved being with him because to me, he was just a big kid at heart. We would go to the movies, play cards for hours, and just laugh about everything. Never in my life could I have imagined being without him. Somehow I thought he would always be there.
The last day I saw my uncle was on July 7, 1995. He had come up from Alabama to visit his parents and me, and on that certain day, he was going into Pennsylvania, to see some friends. As He was walking to his car, I yelled out the window, "Don't speed! If you get a ticket, I'm going to kick your butt!"
Laughing, he replied, "I won't. See you in a couple of days." Then he pulled out of the driveway and in seconds, he was gone.
The next morning, as I was getting ready for my senior pictures to be taken, the phone rang. It was my Uncle Jimmy's wife wanting to talk to my grandma. I gave her the phone and started to walk down the hallway when all of a sudden I heard my grandma scream, "What do you mean Jimmy's dead?!" I immediately turned back around, and saw the colorless look on my grandmother's face. My heart felt like it was in my stomach as I listened to her finish the call.
Crying, she told my grandpa, my cousin, and me that Uncle Jimmy had died of an apparent heart attack late last night. As I listened, I felt so weak; every breath I took was shallow, but I stood there trying to be strong for my grandparents. I felt they had already had enough to cope with, with just losing their son. They didnt need a hysterical granddaughter to deal with also.
I made it to my bedroom and that's when I finally broke down. Looking back, I don't think I have ever cried so hard in my life. As the tears were streaming down my face, all I kept thinking was, this can't be true, and why is this happening? The same words echoed in my head for what seemed like an eternity. That night, wishing so much to see my uncle again, I cried myself to sleep.
At three o'clock in the morning, I woke up only to realize that before my uncle left my house, I never told him goodbye. I was so worried that he wasn't ever going to know how much I loved him. The guilt that set in at that second was suffocating. I tried to block the negative feelings out and forced myself to only think about all the good times we had and every laugh we shared together. I didn't sleep at all the rest of the night.
Two weeks had passeed and I had a dream I'll never forget. In my dream, my uncle was lying on the couch, and I just kept walking back and forth in front of him. He never said a word; he was just smiling. "Goodbye Uncle Jimmy," I said, "and...I love you." At that moment, he faded off the couch, smiling the whole time.
When I woke up the next morning, I felt such relief inside; I kept thinking even though I didn't get to physically tell my uncle goodbye, I felt like I accomplished it mentally. Because of the dream I experienced, I could honestly say I had a real sense of closure for the first time since his death. No longer would I drown in feelings of guilt and remorse. I could actually smile again, reliving fond memories of my uncle, knowing he was looking down on me, smiling too.
PLEASE DO NOT RIP THIS!!
