This is something i wrote down because it was clouding my mind...
Just a few weeks ago, my life started to get a little complicated again like it was back when I was dating the vixen that tore my heart away from me. My mind seems a little distracted, as if I didn’t already have enough on my mind what with school-based plans and financial stress. I find myself thinking of what-if, how about and I wonder questions all the time, nothing bad of course yet not helping my focus very much either. The cause of the maelstrom in my mind? A girl. Not exactly who I would have expected either, I’ve only known her for a small time frame…
It all started in class, I only have one class with her but I always look forward to it because of the good time we all have in each other’s company. On the first day of classes she wasn’t there so where I sat was next to one of my best friends. However on the next day he was late as hell and the seat was taken by the girl, she wanted to sit behind a friend of hers so they could gossip and chatter all period (something of a regular activity for the two heh). When my friend came in we messed around a bit because she had the seat but ultimately she was allowed to have it, now it has become somewhat of her permanent place in class on the days she decides to grace us with her presence (which aren’t usually in a row if you know what I mean).
At first it was just fun hanging around with her, she was funny and nice, I always crack jokes with her or on her, just for laughs mind you. As time passed however I started to take notice of her more often, sometimes even feeling a slight disappointment at finding out she wasn’t at school. I started asking myself then, “What on earth is going on, do I like her or something?” Well it turns out I do, a lot actually, and it was supposed to be my own little secret but we’ll get to that. I started to want to come to school everyday so I could hang out with her in that one period, secretly admiring her and who she was. Her attitude is what caught me first though, I like how she can be funny all the time, but if she wants to be serious she will get serious. She isn’t an idiot, which is a huge turn on with me heh, and she wasn’t an over-achiever (I hate people who try to be superior). Lastly, she is… man she is pretty. Because I had never been around her before I hadn’t had a chance to get a good look but now I know first hand heh. She is just one overall great person and I’m totally into her.
I swore to myself I wasn’t going to allow for relationships anymore, I was bent on living and dying alone because I had been hurt. It still hurts thinking of all the good times I once had but the past is the past and the future is now. Even with all my determination and closure however, you cant avoid your heart forever I guess. In the words of a person I admire as a comedian, Chris Rock, “You’re either married and bored or single and lonely!” He sure was right, and I guess my loneliness was what made me subconsciously start liking this special girl I have found.
Recently we have become great friends, in my eyes at least. We talk a lot more and I’m extremely happy about that because I get to experience more of her mind and how she acts. Now we get to something I mentioned earlier, how my secret isn’t only mine anymore. I like to think of myself as a tough safe to crack, but in all seriousness… I’m a weak mo-fo heh. The girl and I were talking one night a week or two ago and I told her I liked someone in our class. At that she was bent to figure out who it was, and eventually she came to a conclusion of who it was, but she kept the fruits of her reasoning to herself to toy with me for her own fun. I didn’t really mind being manipulated but it was a little annoying not knowing who she thought it was. Then one day I finally came out and told her who the girl was and she knew, I had had a feeling this was what she had concluded heh.
Now I feel a little regret in releasing my personal information, especially since the girl I was admiring from afar is the one who knows… For the longest, another friend of mine, a former friend and almost more of the girl I like has been trying to make me dislike her, I’m not sure why he has been doing this either. I wish I had kept all this to myself, I know she doesn’t like me the way I do her, I know she could never either so why did I have to go and open my mind like a book and spread my stories? Maybe for once I wanted to take a chance. Maybe for once I felt like crawling out of the corner where the rest of the spineless people live and take a leap off the cliff of life into the river of chances. Every time I see a chance I let it swim by without a second glance, this time, even if there was no water in the river, I felt like doing something unexpected… and I did. Was it really worth it…?
