Wonder Woman's blog: "SpecialMe"

New Beginnings Fall 2004 Mark and Jenna were now blessed with a truly special gift. They were so elated to have been given the chance to raise such an amazing little fighter, but still could not see why God thought them to be fit for this precious little life. Mark and Jenna became Zachary Randell Shore's parents. Now began their new life as parents of a disabled baby. They knew things would be tough, but they were up for the challenge. With the news of Zachary's disabilities, the community did their part to help the young family. The fire department held a chili supper in his name and raised money for his trips to the St. Louis hospital. Donation cans were set up around town, countless churches put Zachary and his parents on their prayer lists, and he was even mentioned in a local newspaper. Zachary was such a happy baby, only crying when he was hungry or in pain. His cleft made feedings harder since he couldn't close his lips to create suction to suck from a bottle. Instead of using a regular bottle, he used a Haber-man bottle. Mark's mom, Sharon, now referred to as Gramma, deemed it to be called the squeezy bottle. Everything seemed to have new names now that the baby was here. Jenna was mom, Mark was Dad, Sharon was Gramma, Marie was Framma, the spare room was now Zach's room, and so on. Even their living room had changed. It now looked more like a toy store than anything, but Jenna couldn't have been happier. "Sooner Or later Sooner or later You will come to me Sooner or later You'll have some questions for me Sooner or later I will have to explain Sooner or later You'll know you're not plain Sooner or later You'll want to know why Sooner or later You will make me cry Sooner or later I'll let you know That god made you special To let everyone know That there is hope Life isn't that bad You can cope Just take my hand Baby, don't be sad That you were made a special way Be happy, be glad We love you this way! Never change my little boy I want you just as you are Don't be sad my baby boy You've already come so far!" Mark was laid off when Zachary was born, so now neither of them were working. With so many therapists, doctors, and program coordinators Jenna had no time to think let alone find a job. She tried her best to make ends meat by selling off old belongings on the internet, having yard sales, babysitting, and cleaning houses. She did the best she could trying to fix her marriage while juggling everything else that was going on, but it didn't seem to work. Mark became entranced in his X-box more than ever, and you'd rarely see him doing anything but playing it. One night in particular, Jenna made a nice, big, home-cooked dinner for the two of them. She went and picked him up from his friends house, and when they got home, she had their plates made, sitting on the table with candles. She was trying her best to have just one romantic evening with her man, but he didn't notice. Jenna lit the candles and Mark grabbed a plate, and sat down in front of the TV to eat. She blew out the candles, sat down and slowly began to eat her meal as she became more angry every minute that he didn't bother to look her way. When he finally realized something was wrong, she had already given up on the romantic night. Jenna put her plate in the kitchen, and sat at the computer to write a poem, just for him, just for that night. "Honey-Do List Take me out Cuddle with me Watch a movie Just be with me Kiss me Go on a walk Hug me Sit and talk I don't ask for much Just your attention Just your time Just your love Why can't you Give this to me Why can't you Just love me?" Jenna's Aunt Sandy always made her family's thanksgiving. Jenna looked forward to it every year when Aunt Sandy would hide away a piece of pumpkin pie just to make sure she would get some. It was about that time again, and Jenna couldn't wait to see everyone. None of her family from out of town had seen Zachary yet, so Jenna couldn't wait to show off her special baby boy. She knew her Aunt Sandy would have a special place in her heart for her baby boy. She just knew they would be best friends as he got older and she couldn't wait for him to get to know her and love her as much as Jenna did. Just before thanksgiving, Jenna got a phone call. Aunt Sandy was sick again. She had a breast removed before when she won her battle with cancer. Jenna dreaded those phone calls, nothing good ever followed them. She took her son, husband, mom, and sisters to the hospital to see Aunt Sandy. She was barely able to breathe without the oxygen mask, but she still managed to ask if they were all coming down for thanksgiving. Her Aunt Sandy was too sick to have visitors for extended periods of time, so Jenna wasn't able to take Zachary in to meet her. Jenna put some photos of her son in the room, and closed the door so she could rest. Almost exactly a week later, Jenna got another phone call. "Mom's dead. Mom's dead." Jenna's cousin Shelly sobbed on the phone before quickly hanging up. Jenna didn't cry. She refused. She had to be strong. Mark looked at her, saw the look, and knew. The same look she had on her face just 6 months ago. She got the same phone call from her Aunt Sandy about her Pa-Pa. Mark knew, but he didn't know what to do. He tried to hold her and let her cry, but she couldn't. She had to make the phone calls. She had to be strong and hold it together. "Mom?" Jenna asked on the phone. "Yeah, baby, what's going on?" Marie asked assuming Jenna just wanted to chat. "Mom, Aunt Sandy's gone, mom" Jenna tried not to cry, but she couldn't hold it in once she heard her mother break into tears. Jenna made the other 2 calls she had to make to her sisters before she laid back into bed and cried herself back to sleep. Jenna let the wake and funeral become a blur. Her husband took the wheel of her life and handled everything for her. Jenna hated God with every part of her soul. He was torturing her. Zachary was growing up so fast! He was cooing, and rolling. Jenna couldn't believe her eyes at how big he was getting. His first surgery for his cleft was horrible. The doctors scheduled it less than 2 weeks before his 1st birthday. Jenna adapted and held his party 2 weeks early so that he could enjoy his cake. Everyone came to his party including family from out of town that had never seen him before. Jenna was extremely stressed and could barely pull herself together long enough to be around all those people at once. After Zachary's birth, her anxiety was very bad. Everyone always stared, making Jenna more self-conscience than ever before. The Beginning Of The End Winter 2004 - 2005 Jenna got a job with her sister, Misty, doing janitorial work. She absolutely loved her job. Her boss was unbelievable! Sherri was so understanding and sweet, but still firm and dominant. Jenna got pretty good pay and was able to adjust her work schedule to work around Zachary's doctor schedule. She asked her boss to consider hiring her husband, Mark, and he got the job. Mark only worked there for about a month before he was shown on camera skimping on his work duties. When confronted, Mark blew up. He stormed into the office screaming at Sherri, but left before the cops arrived. Jenna wasn't scheduled for work at all after that. Several months later, Jenna got a job witnessing a local burger joint. She was nervous; anxiety isn't a good thing to have when you're going to be around people every minute of the day. Once again, she suggested to her boss to give her husband a chance, but after his very first day, he was fired. The boss said that he was too cocky. He made comments about being able to run the whole restaurant by himself. Jenna was terrified her precious little boy would get sick if she took him out into the weather too often, so she didn't take him out very often until it started warming up. She got her first glimpse into the deep dark side of the human heart. At the mall one day a little girl walked by Jenna and Zachary. She looked at the special little boy and in disgust remarked, "Ewww, Mommy look at that!". Jenna was devastated. How could she subject her child to hearing such cruel things just by going shopping? Later that day in the food court, a woman stared at her son again. The woman knew the difference between right and wrong, unlike the little girl. The woman stared at Zachary as she passed and without even thinking about the fact that his mother stood right there, she gasped and walked away faster. How could people be so cold hearted? On June 4th the phone rang again. Another death in Jenna's family. Her cousin, Johnny and his fiancé, Suprene were expecting a baby boy, but he was stillborn at 7 months. Jenna believed that this baby was going to bring the family back together since Aunt Mandy was gone, but now there wasn't a chance for that. Once again, the family got in the car and went to Rose Hill Cemetery to put another family member in the ground. Jenna and Mark barely knew each other at this point. He was gone all night every night getting high with his friends as Jenna sat at home with the baby. She began to resent him for it, for everything. Eventually, Jenna sat down with her husband for a talk. She explained to him that when the day came that they got a divorce she wanted things to end smoothly. Mark agreed and together they made decisions on how to handle a divorce. Now that they had a plan for the worst, Jenna wanted to make a plan for the better. She talked with Mark as often as she could about anything at all. She didn't complain about him being out with his friends and she even tried to learn how to play his x-box. Zachary's first cleft surgery was in May. Mark held their son as they walked 2 blocks from the Ronald McDonald House to Cardinal Glennon. Little Zach looked up at the huge hospital as if he knew what was going to happen. Mark took their things to the hospital room as Jenna took Zach to be checked in. The nurse weighed and measured him. As she started to take his blood pressure, she stopped and asked to do it on his other arm. As she reached for Zach's right arm, Jenna said "He doesn't have one" in a chuckle. The nurse was obviously embarrassed, but Jenna assured her it was okay and she even thought it was funny. Jenna was terrified and her only thought was that they were going to take away her baby's beautiful special smile. She loved his smile and wasn't ready for such a big change, but knew that they had to do it. As she put his favorite heartbeat bear in his hospital crib she began to tear up, but held it in. "There's no reason to cry. It has to be done. Be strong." She repeated to herself. The waiting game began. Mark, Jenna, and Mark's parents sat in the Same Day Surgery Waiting Room with the other parents for hours. Constantly looking at the clock, trying to get a nap, or running down to the gift shop to buy him toys for when he would feel better. Jenna sat staring at the clock for the first couple hours and then laid her head on the table and just begged God to let the surgery go smoothly. The pager went off alerting them to meet the surgeon at the operating room doors for an update. Jenna ran as fast as she could down the halls. The doctor told them that the surgery went wonderfully and their baby would be out of the recovery room and into their arms within an hour. They all breathed a sigh of relief they had been holding in for hours. As they wheeled Zachary out of the O.R. Jenna held in the tears. She saw her child laying in the crib with blood dripping out of his swollen and bruised mouth. He looked up at her in confusion. Jenna didn't cry until they got to the hospital room and she picked up her son. He let out a cry of pain as she moved him and as soon as she heard it, she let out her cries as well. She sat in a rocking chair with her son and bawled like a baby. Zachary was turning one year old August 24th and Jenna couldn't wait! She began making plans for his party months in advance and invited every single family member from both sides of their family. She wanted every thing to be perfect. Just a month before his birthday, she got a letter from the hospital. Zachary's second cleft surgery was scheduled just one week before his first birthday. Jenna was upset, but she knew she could adapt to the situation and move on. So, Jenna moved his party up 2 weeks so that her son could enjoy his birthday cake at his party like he should. She had been getting more and more irritated with Mark's mom, Sheila, every day by then. One day at the cleft clinic at the hospital, a commercial came on the TV advertising action toys that fought and shot guns. "Our baby isn't going to play with those kind of toys." Sheila said casually. Jenna was irritated at the fact that Sheila seemed to think that she had given birth instead of Jenna. Later on that day, a cartoon came on that had monsters and a grim reaper on it. "Zachary isn't allowed to watch this show, it's not good for him." Sheila mentioned firmly. "He happens to like this show and he watches it at home." Jenna retorted. "Well, not at my house he won't." Zachary's 1st birthday party went well for the most part, until Sheila stepped in and gave him his birthday cake without telling Jenna. Jenna was furious! "How dare she let him have his cake before I could sing him happy birthday!" Jenna fumed. She went behind a wall and sobbed. This was Zachary's one and only 1st birthday and she felt like it was ruined. Sheila and Jenna were mad at each other through the entire rest of the birthday party and Jenna decided to not talk about the party ever again. The second cleft surgery went well, with the exception that Zachary was in much more pain than the first time. This surgery the doctor had done work on all of his mouth and nose. Every time little Zach moved his face even the tiniest bit, he screamed in pain. Jenna wished she could take the pain away, but the best she could do was give him Tylenol with codine. After the scabs began to come off, Mark and Jenna finally got a glimpse of what their little boy was going to look like. Jenna stopped feeling so bad about the changes and decided she should be excited about it. She hung up new pictures of her son right next to the older ones and smiled. It was October when she lost another family member. Mark woke Jenna up that morning and told her it was important and she needed to get out of bed right then. "Not again. Someone died" she thought. Jenna was right. "Momma Brenda passed away this morning, honey." Mark told his wife. He didn't want to tell her. Even he was starting to lose count of how many people had died in Jenna's life. "What? Momma's gone?" Jenna asked with tears in her eyes. As she looked to Mark her eyes looked like a child's eyes, she was crushed, and Mark couldn't do anything about it. All Jenna could do was think about the past couple of weeks. Jenna had been taking Zachary to see Brenda every day. Momma Brenda loved watching Zach, so Danielle and Jenna found reasons to get out and go somewhere, mainly so they could have fun, but so that Momma could have her alone time with her grandbabies. "You're so strong, and baby girl, I admire you for it." Momma said to Jenna as she held Zachary close to her chest. "I love you sweetie, you're like a daughter to me, and no Marker what you need, I'm here, just ask." Momma knew how hard it was to go through countless surgeries and to endure the heartache that you could not take the pain away from your precious baby boy. In the end, she just knew. Momma always knew everything. Mom Brenda was gone, and Jenna wasn't sure if it was her place to intrude on the family during their grieving process. Jenna made dinner for her dear sister, Deanna, and took it to her. As she walked into the yard, she could see the whole family outside consoling each other. She walked to Derek and just held him as he cried in her arms. She kissed him on his forehead and told him she loved him before she walked over to Danielle. The baby of the family was doing better than Derek was, but she was still hurting very badly. As Jenna hugged and kissed her sisters and Derek, she began the mom duties. She cleaned the house, gave everyone dinner, and changed and fed the baby. Once she got home that night she let it out. She laid on her bed once again and cried herself to sleep. Jenna periodically cleaned out files on their computer. Clearing out old files, deleting broken links, and cleaning out the favorites list. She stumbled across his chat logs and became furious. As she read the conversations between her husband and several underage girls, she couldn't believe it was the same man. "What happened to the man I married?" When Jenna brought it up to Mark, she tried to stay very calm and understanding. She talked with him about it and he claimed to be addicted to internet porn, chatting with young girls, and cyber-sex. Jenna tried to convince her husband to see a specialist about it, but he refused and promised to never do it again. Mark kept his word, for a while. The next time she caught him "misbehaving" on the internet, she wasn't as calm as she was before. "If you want them and not me, then go for it, get out and go!" she cried out at her husband. She kept blaming herself. She thought, "I could've lost weight faster." or "I should've played more video games with him.", but deep down she knew she wasn't to blame. She had done her best, but it wasn't working. She entered into a radio contest. The prize was a $3,500 gift certificate for the local plastic surgeon that could be used for anything. Jenna desperately wanted to feel beautiful again. Her husband hadn't made her feel attractive in so long that she couldn't even recall the last time he told her she looked good. Jenna won the contest, but she still believes it was just because they felt bad for her disabled baby, not because she deserved it. Either way, Jenna was excited. She began getting regular facial treatments for her mild acne and started down the road to being happy with herself again. February 2006 Jenna got a full time job working at Aisin Manufacturing. She was a janitor with a local cleaning service and was thrilled to have gotten the job. Mark wasn't as excited, in fact, he said she wouldn't be able to do the job. She was determined to prove him wrong. Jenna worked as hard as she could, while still dealing with the fact that her beautiful baby boy was growing up way too fast for her. Zachary was going to turn 2 years old that summer and she was dreading it. She cherished her time with her little bitty baby, but knew it wasn't going to last forever. Jenna still could not figure out how to fix her marriage that seemed to be deteriorating at an even faster rate than before. Jenna found out how Mark paid for the ring her got her for Christmas. He had been stealing $20 bills from her purse for months to save up and buy the ring. Jenna adored the ring, even though it was the wrong size, but she was upset that he had stolen, what was actually his son's disability money, to pay for it. Her first week of work was tough. She wasn't used to such strenuous work and needed support. Mark did try to make an effort; maybe it was because she was making money now. The first 2 days of work, Mark drew a hot bubble bath for his wife, had a cold soda waiting on her, and even had dinner cooked, or ordered, and ready to go. Jenna was in shock, she didn't know he had it in him! That didn't last, though. After the first week, he didn't care anymore. Throughout the month, she barely saw her husband. On Valentine's Day, his mom bought a teddy bear for Mark to give to Jenna. March 2006 Jenna was struggling. She hardly ever saw her son and it was making her crazy. Mark was a stranger to her now, and she couldn't name any friends she talked to. She didn't have time for anything other than work, sleep, and scheduling doctor appointments for both her and Zachary. Jenna had finally seen a doctor and began treatment for stress-induced insomnia, anxiety, and depression. She was so proud of herself for making money, but soon the money became the problem. Jenna did not approve of marijuana usage, but if that's what Mark wanted, then he could do it on his own time, away from her home, and with his own money. She gave Mark money every payday to cover his cigarettes and fast-food while she was at work throughout the week. Even with that, Mark was greedy. He stole money from his wife's purse to pay for his drug habit. Jenna was furious when she heard it from her mother. "How dare he!" she fumed! Not only had he stole the money, he had gone to her mother's house to brag about it like an idiot! Zachary was still asleep when she got back home from her mom's. Jenna usually went to visit her mom while Mark and Zach slept early in the mornings. She gathered some of her son's things and took him to her mom's. She called Mark's mom and asked if he could come stay at her house for a while because things were bad. When Jenna returned home after dropping Zachary off, she awoke her husband with a short, "Get up." and left the room. When Mark was dressed, he met her in the living room. Jenna sat at the kitchen table while he put his shoes on. He looked up and asked her "Are we going out to eat?" Her heart dropped. She just wished he wouldn't screw things up like this! She loved him so much, but she couldn't allow herself to keep getting hurt. In her alternate reality, she looked at her husband and said "Yes, baby, let's go have a family breakfast." Unfortunately, she wasn't in that reality and she couldn't say that. "You have one hour to pack your things and call your mom to pick you up." she said coldly. He asked why and she told him what she knew. He got angry with her and started to yell, saying that if she wanted the money he would pay her back. "It's not about the damn money, Mark! It's about you stealing from me! I'm your wife for god's sake!" Jenna was so angry. She was angry for right then and there, she was angry for all the times in the past, and she was angry with herself because she couldn't fix it all. Jenna wasn't sure if she wanted a temporary or permanent separation, but she knew she needed to be away from him now before she ended up hating him. Mark refused to leave which only angered Jenna more. That wasn't the plan. They made a plan and he wouldn't follow it. They agreed that if she asked him to go, he would go, calmly and civilly. Since he would not leave, she decided she would. She contemplated what she was doing while she gathered some clothes. Her thoughts were mainly about their son. She knew she was going to go stay a few nights with her sister, Mandy, but Zach couldn't stay there. There was no room in Mandy's apartment for a baby, and she had a big dog. No, it wasn't going to work. Then she thought about his therapists, and doctor appointments. Jenna didn't have a phone, only Mark did. She decided, with a broken heart as she walked out the door, that she would bring Zachary back home before she went to her sister's apartment. She couldn't call herself a mother if she put her wants before Zachary's needs. He needed to be at home with his things and his therapy equipment. He needed to be as stable as possible through this rough time. Jenna left her son with her husband, and walked out the door, bawling like a baby. The End After Mark's blatant disregard for her feelings and their divorce plan, Jenna decided that it was truly the end of their marriage. She began talking with Mark's mom, Sharon, about getting an apartment. She assumed Sharon was on her side, after all, she agreed with Jenna that the drug use was unacceptable. Jenna soon realized that Sharon was only looking out for what she wanted, which was Zachary to stay in her life. Jenna would never have taken Zachary away from his family. Jenna began to rethink what she was doing. She couldn't stand to be away from her son anymore. She was still working more than full-time, and although the money was good and she could save up for an apartment, she had no time to go see her child. Jenna decided to go back home, for her son, not for Mark. She had been gone only 2 weeks, but it seemed like an eternity. Things grew worse by the minute while she was there. Mark was so angry that she still wanted to separate that he even locked her out of the house when she returned home after working an 11 hour shift. He wrote her letters trying to make her feel guilty and asking her to leave her son so he would feel better. She refused to keep living this way, but she had no idea what to do. Jenna got very depressed and started drinking every weekend. She hated to be at that house while he was there, but he never left! They began fighting constantly anytime they were in the same room. Zachary started crying a lot more often and Jenna could tell the fighting was stressing her baby out too much. Shawn was a friend to both Mark and Jenna when they were in high school, but neither of them had talked to him in a while. One night while Jenna was at a party, she bumped into him. They sat and talked all night. It was 4 am before she realized it, so she rushed home to get some sleep; she still had to work the next day. Shawn and Jenna talked everyday on the phone. He called her on all her breaks at work, and she stopped by to see him every night when she left work. Not too long after, they had started a relationship. Jenna couldn't stand the idea of living in the same house with Mark while she was seeing another man, so she asked him to leave once again. This time was worse than the last, and Jenna became frightened of Mark's fiery temper. She went and got a hotel room for the week with Shawn. She continued to work and tried to see her son at least every other day. Just before Mother's Day, Jenna picked Zach up to go visit her mom. She brought along one of his toys from Mark's house and was on her way. Once they got there, Mandy's dog, Gracie, got a hold of Zachary's toy and chewed it up pretty bad. Jenna wasn't going to give her son a toy that was in a dog's mouth, so she threw it away. She dropped Zach back off with his father and he asked where the toy was. Jenna explained what happened to him, "No big deal, we can always buy another" she said. Mark became irate, screaming about how that toy was sentimental to him and he wanted it back even if it was chewed up. Jenna didn't understand what he was talking about. "Why the hell is a toy sentimental to you?" she asked her estranged husband. "Because Brittany bought it for him." he told her. "WHAT?" she screamed. "You have had your little crack head girlfriend around my child without my permission?" she urged him to say yes. "She's only been around him once" he tried to back out of the conversation. *Smack* Jenna smacked her husband's face as hard as she could. Mark started to run up the stairs, but Jenna was right behind him, still smacking him. He turned around and threw her in the computer desk and ran up the stairs. Jenna got up and ran as fast as she could, if she caught him, she wasn't going to use an open fist this time! Mark was inside Zachary's room, on the phone with the police. Jenna began punching her husband. "How dare you!" She screamed. He pushed her out of the room and stood against the door. He wasn't following the plan! They agreed no other man or woman was to be around the baby unless the other parent met them and agreed that they could be near him. Shawn still hadn't met Zachary; Jenna was trying to follow their plan. Jenna went downstairs, got her son from Mandy's arms, gathered his things, and headed for the door. Mark stopped her and held his arm in front of the door. "You aren't going anywhere with him!" he yelled at his wife. "Yes, I am, Mark. He's coming with me, move please." she was much calmer now with her baby in her arms. Once the police arrived, Jenna went to the officer, explained the situation, and admitted fault. He simply asked where the baby was. Jenna told him she was taking Zachary with her to her mother's house. The officer agreed that was the best idea, and told her to go. Mark began screaming and protesting against Jenna taking their son. The officer threatened that if he didn't stop yelling he would be arrested. Jenna left that night with her child. The next day, she left Zachary with her mother so that she could get some of his things from the apartment. She was relieved to see Mark wasn't home. She still had her key, after all, her name was still on the lease, it was still her apartment, too. The neighbors called Mark and told him Jenna was there. Within 2 minutes Jenna was bombarded by Mark, his mom, dad, and his sister. Mark's sister, Lacy, actually tried pulling Jenna out of the apartment by her shirt. As Mark and Sharon began to scream at Jenna, he asked her where the baby was. She told him, or course, and out the door went Mark and his father. Sharon stood there yelling to the men, "Go on guys, go get our baby". Sharon and Lacy surrounded Jenna in the living room questioning her about what she was doing there. "This is my house, not yours. I'm getting Zachary's toys." Jenna tried to stay calm. Sharon began screaming obscenities at Jenna about being a slut. Jenna tried to ignore them so she could finish gathering toys and go get her baby. By the time Jenna arrived back at her mother's house, Mark, his father, and his sister were standing outside as Mark talked to the police on the phone. Jenna went to the back door and asked her mom to let her in. She locked the door behind her and took her precious son back into her arms. The cop came in and asked if Jenna was the mother. He said that he would make Mark and his family leave, but if Jenna hadn't been there Zachary would've gone to his father. Now Jenna couldn't be away from her child for even one second or Mark and his family would take him away. "Thinking They think that you Are the good one They think that you Were the one wronged They think that I Am a whore They think that I screwed up They think that we Never should have been They think that we Were doomed anyway You think that I Hurt you most You think that I Am just a bitch You think that you Were perfect all the way You think that you Did everything for me I think that you Lied to me I think that you Stole from me I think that you Wronged me I think that you Hurt me I think that you Ruined me" Legalities And Goodbyes It was May again. This would've been Mark and Jenna's 3 year anniversary. Jenna's father fixed up a trailer for her to live in until she got on her feet. She cared about her boyfriend, Shawn, but felt more like his mother than anything. He was deeply disturbed and she saw this more each day. Zachary had just had another surgery. During the trip Jenna tried to rekindle the love between her and her estranged husband, but he wanted nothing to do with her. She was so confused and depressed. She didn't want to be with Shawn anymore, but wasn't sure how to break it off with him. He had nowhere else to live and she was supporting him. She let things just go on the way they were going for a while. She was bored with Shawn and was starting to despise him for turning her into the mother he never had. Her younger cousin, Sabrina, was diagnosed with bone cancer a couple years earlier. Jenna got a phone call from her Aunt Molly telling her that Sabrina had taken a turn for the worse. "Sabrina won't make it much longer. They have her on a lot of morphine right now for the pain. She's been screaming for you for hours now. She thought she saw you walk past her room and started yelling your name. I had to tell her you weren't here, but now she's begging for you to come see her." Jenna's aunt knew it was time although Jenna refused to believe it. She told her sisters and mom about the phone call and told them she'd be leaving the next day to go stay the night with Sabrina. None of her family wanted to go, but Jenna refused to just not go, so she went alone. She was devastated to see her cousin so weak and in so much pain, but if Sabrina wanted her there, she wasn't going to leave her side. After her visit, Jenna had to return home, she had a baby waiting for her. About a week later, Jenna got the call. The same call she got when her Aunt Mandy died and the same as when "Mom Brenda" died. She hated those calls. She was sick of getting those calls. "Are you trying to take every single person I know away from me?!" She begged God for an answer. At the wake, Jenna thought she was doing good. She was being strong for everyone, especially for Sabrina's mom and brother. Jenna kept it together. She kept it together until she walked up to her cousin and realized she was really gone. Jenna lost it. In front of everyone she finally broke down and sobbed so loud that the children outside were asking what was going on. Jenna ran outside trying to breathe. She ended up sitting in her car alone, crying her heart out and cursing God. Sabrina died at 18 years old from cancer and there was no bringing her back. Zachary had another cleft surgery in June. Jenna was ready for this one. She knew the drill and wasn't afraid or upset. This surgery would be the worst, though. This was the one when the doctor would put Zachary's palate, the roof of his mouth, together. This time it would take several months to heal, it would be more painful than all the other surgeries, and it would slow down his progress in speech and eating. Molly wasn't worried. She knew she and her son would do just fine as long as they had each other. One day while Jenna was in town to let Zach visit his father, she stopped by her best friend, Deanna's house. Deanna, Derek, and Danielle were all living there. Deanna had a 1 year old daughter, and was 6 months pregnant with her son, Derek was divorced, and Danielle was almost 9 months pregnant. Jenna told them about Shawn, all his disturbed thoughts, and that she didn't know how to break it off with him. Derek jumped up and told everyone to get some things together, they were going with Jenna. She was happy that someone cared, she had forgotten what family felt like. Her friends gathered their things and in 2 cars, they all traveled to Jenna's trailer. That night, Derek took over. He got on the phone and broke it off with Shawn for her. All Jenna had to do was tell Shawn, when he came to get his things, that she didn't want to be together. He took his things and left. That night, Jenna felt like she was finally at home. She had her son, Derek, Danielle, Deanna, and Deanna's daughter Gracie with her. The only thing missing was "Mom Brenda" standing in the kitchen yelling at one of them to do the dishes or be quiet. Derek jumped into her bed before she even noticed. Once, the kids were asleep and dinner was put away, Jenna headed back to her room where she saw Derek, laying in her bed, making himself at home. She laughed. Derek was always like that, and she loved him for it. She hadn't thought about it before, but she had known this family for 6 years now. She loved them all so much, and was so happy they came to help her. The court date for Mark and Jenna's divorce was set for the end of the month. Jenna had 3 weeks until she would be legally single again. Something she hadn't been since she was 16 years old. She was determined to do everything in Zach's best interest. Jenna gave her soon to be ex-husband very generous visitation guidelines. Zachary would stay with his father every other weekend as well as some time for almost every holiday and birthday. They were going to share joint custody, but Zachary would live with her. Jenna and Derek became a couple as soon as she crawled into the bed that night. They weren't even intimate for weeks, but immediately something special was happening. This wasn't like Shawn or Mark, she thought. Something is different. After a couple weeks, Jenna got brave and spoke the words that truly terrified her. She said, "I love you". She hadn't expected a reply, but he said he loved her too. "You don't have to say things you don't feel. If it's not there it shouldn't be said." she explained to him, hoping he knew he didn't have to say it back to her, she would understand. "I know, and I say the same to you. Do you mean it?" Derek asked Jenna while looking into her eyes in a way she had never seen before. "I do, I love you." "And I love you." They smiled at each other and kissed. Father's Day was a wonderful day for Jenna. She cherished every moment of that day and in the days following she wished she could just go back to that day and stay there. Jenna, Zachary, Derek, Deanna, Gracie, and Danielle all went to their apartment one block away from Mark's. Derek, who had been a good family friend for years now, took Zachary down to see Mark for the day. Derek told Mark that he was seeing Jenna and Mark was okay with that. Not more than 20 minutes later, Mark brought Zachary back to Jenna. He couldn't handle him because he was crying. Derek's kids were over for the day. He had 2 boys and 1 little girl from his past marriage. Jenna had taken care of his boys while his ex-wife was at work and he was incarcerated a couple years ago. Jenna loved every moment of this day. She played catch with Derek's oldest boy, read books with his youngest boy, and held his daughters hands while she tried to walk. Zachary played with the little girls while the boys played ball and the adults talked and joked around. Jenna looked around and saw what she had always wanted. A real family. She had always loved Derek's boys. They used to call her Aunt Jenna. Now that it's been almost 2 years, they barely remembered her name, but still latched on to her as if they remembered when she would rock them to sleep every night. At the end of the day, his kids went home with their mom. Derek went to the car and told Tracy, his ex, that we were together. Tracy was furious! "If I knew you two were together, I would've never let the kids come over here!" she fumed. In the next week drama seemed to be everywhere. Tracy was infuriated with Derek and Jenna. Tracy claimed that she and Derek were trying to work things out and that he had cheated on her by being with Jenna. The kids were no longer allowed around Jenna. All the time she had spent taking care of those kids and now she wasn't even allowed to talk to them. She was devastated, but kept up with the motto she adopted during her fights to get her son; "Fight for what you want". She was sure that eventually, she and Derek would have rights to see the kids, legally or with Tracy's consent. In the midst of the stress with Tracy, Jenna had let the stickers on her car expire. She didn't have the money to renew them and neither did anyone else. Derek had the bright idea to take a valid sticker from a license plate at work and put it on Jenna's car. Jenna was worried about Danielle. Her blood pressure kept sky rocketing and they had no phone. Jenna refused to let anything happen to her "sister", so she did it. One night, Danielle's blood pressure went off the charts. Jenna left Derek at home with Zachary and took Deanna, Gracie, and Danielle to the hospital. As they pulled up to the emergency room, a cop pulled them over. Danielle went inside and Jenna spoke with the cop. He ran her plates and saw her sticker was supposed to be expired. "It's a felony to falsify registration, ma'am" he said to her. Jenna was pissed off at this point. Something was very wrong with her friend and he was worrying about her car registration. He told Jenna he was towing her car. Deanna came over and began complaining that they would have no way to get home. "Well it doesn't Marker because I'm taking her to county jail." At that point, Jenna was handcuffed. "You're under arrest for falsifying your registration, this is a felony and you are going to county jail." he said to Jenna. She started bawling like a baby. "Danielle>Deanna, listen to me right now! Zachary needs to have a dose of his Tylenol with codine every 4-6 hours. You have to take the big Q-tips and the saline solution and clean around the stitches on his mouth! Listen! Write it down! Deanna, honey, please, if my son dies I'll lose it, I can't do this! Check his shunt on the back of his head for any inflammation, if he starts to zone out you have to make sure he comes out of it! Make sure he doesn't get too hot he could have a heat stroke! Oh my God, Deanna, baby girl, I can't do this, I can't Mark's going to take my baby from me!" Jenna was hysteric. No one was trained to care for him after his surgeries. What if something happened while she was in jail, no one had money to bail her out and Mark would take her son forever. The officer put Jenna in the back of the police car and began writing the paperwork. Jenna couldn't control her crying. By then everyone was watching. She had never been handcuffed or in the back of a police car before. She was terrified and embarrassed. "Okay. She's got a disabled kid at home, I'm gonna let her go on a misdemeanor." she heard the cop say over the radio. "Thank God!" she thought. "I'm going to let you go on a misdemeanor, but I still have to tow your car." he told Jenna. "As long as I don't go to jail, I'm happy" she thought to herself. "I like your shirt by the way" he said. Jenna looked down. She was wearing a shirt she made herself. It was a plain black tank top with the words "Got MILF" on the front. "Is he hitting on me?" Jenna questioned in her mind. Jenna got out of that sticky situation, but not without losing her car. The tow bill was more than the car was worth! Tracy didn't let up. Jenna even got into a heated argument over the phone with her about her relationship with Derek. "You took my family away from me! You were supposed to be my friend!" Tracy screamed to Jenna. She tried explaining to Tracy that she didn't know about them trying to work things out. Derek told her he was single. Tracy didn't care; she wanted someone to blame and that person ended up being Jenna. During the argument, Tracy said that if Derek didn't show up at her house within an hour, she would leave and he would never see his kids again. Jenna drove home as fast as she could, took Zachary off Derek's hands and told him what was happening. Jenna felt like she was losing the fight and she would never see the kids again. She told Derek to go see his kids; she would be there when he got home. Derek argued with Tracy on the phone for an hour before he came inside again. He kissed Jenna, told her he loved her, and that he'd be back. That night Deanna's daughter, Gracie, fell asleep in Jenna's arms. She was in this big bed with her niece, but not her man. "Where is he? What is taking so damn long?" She wondered to herself. The next morning Jenna got up and looked around the house. No Derek. She knew. He left her. Deanna woke up and asked if he was home. Jenna gathered her emotions, looked at her best friend, which she now called her sister, and said, "No, he abandoned us, he's not coming back." Later that day, Danielle showed up. She had a list. A list of Derek's things. Jenna had held on to the hope that maybe he had gotten a flat tire or something else had kept him away, but at that point, her heart was crushed. "I trusted another man with my heart, I said those 3 words. He said that he loved me…that's real nice. I can feel the love, let me tell ya!" Her thoughts ran over and over inside her head. She kept her cool and tried to act as if it didn't Marker. She gathered his things and wrote her own list for him. It read: "$62.41 for your insurance payment I made yesterday $4.71 for the pack of smokes I bought for you yesterday $20.00 for the gas I put in your car yesterday $60.00 for the camera I sold to pay your bills Another car to replace the one you made me lose Oh, and you can go ahead and keep your so-called 'love' -Me" Jenna had never been "left" before. She had no idea what to do. She let her guard down and now she knew she shouldn't have done that. Jenna called up a couple friends, got some alcohol and drank until she couldn't drink anymore. She resorted to cutting again. She was broken. The next week or two was a blur. She stayed drunk, day and night. Mark kept Zachary for her and she tried to recover from the massive heartbreak. The divorce day was here. Jenna went to talk to Mark early that morning, but it ended up more of a physical conversation than anything. Deanna kept Zachary as Jenna and Mark headed to court. They were divorced. They began casually dating after the divorce and Mark even stayed the weekends at her house until they broke up in October. She wrote a poem for Derek, but knew she would never give it to him: "Inexistent I won't tell you How much I miss you Or that I sit wishing You'd come back to me I won't let you know That I feel so alone Or that I still love you And wish you loved me too I won't write this for you And give you the satisfaction Of knowing how much you meant to me At one point in time"