It’s only been two days, since I reluctantly dropped off my son Alan at the recruiters office in Reno Nevada.
As I sat in his room, holding his pillow with tears pouring down my eyes, I could not help but think that this young boy will be a man when he returns home to me. Is it selfish to worry, and wish that he had made a different choice in his career? When you give everything you have to a child, you protect them from harms way, and you want so much more for them then what you had as a child, it is very difficult to let them go into the world and suffer hardships that you cannot protect them from. While they grow up it is a mother’s duty to love them, guide them, and protect them from things that may hurt them. So why do we have to let them go out to the military and put them strait into harms way? We send them to a boot camp that breaks down everything that we have instilled into their lives, morals, values, and traditions and they rebuild them the way they need them to be. I know that my son is able to cry, is able to have compassion, and love unconditionally, and has great respect for those well deserving. He has self confidence and he has dreams. Now I do not know what will become of him. They will form him into a soldier and he will return to me a different person and all grown up. They are making him into a man that would be able to point a gun at a human being and be able to take their life.
They are making him into a soldier to “protect our freedom.” What does that mean? Does it mean that I have the freedom to write about how hurt I am that he is gone and I will never see that carefree young man that irritated some people, and was loved by so many? Does it mean that I have the freedom to sit in his room and wait for a phone call that I won’t receive for about 6 weeks? I have never waited that long to hear from any of my children! Does it mean that I have the freedom to cry, because I miss him very much and don’t want this for him, even though I have given him choices to grow and opportunities to shine? Yes I know, he could have made much worse decisions in his life, and believe me he has.
What I do not understand is how he is able to go out there and serve our country and possibly take another human’s life, but he will not have the freedom to sit down and have a beer with the boys….Because he is TOO YOUNG?
Alan may not have been born to me, however I have taken care of him for a while now, and he is my chosen son. He is a wonderful young person, with big dreams, and full of passion. His laugh is infectious and he can make most anyone laugh at his jokes and actions. His eyes were always full of wonder, and I could not help but see the pain in them as he tried to hide it with laughter. He was neglected as a child until he came to live with us. He never knew what it was like to have a mother that loved him, cherished him, and gave it to him unconditionally.
Then one day, I was blessed to have him join our family. He is my “CHOSEN”son, and I would do anything for him. That includes letting him go to serve our country during a time of war. As a mother, I know how it feels to not want your children to leave the home, because you still think that you need to teach them so much more, and protect them from harms way.
So how is it that a mother is able to drop off their child to the Government and let go? How do you do it with a clear conscious and a light heart? We are the ones that have guided them, fixed their wounds, helped them when their hearts were broken, and most of all, we are the ones that give them values, morals, traditions, a safe place to be themselves, and the biggest thing we give them life.
Then we take them to a recruiter and literally sacrifice them to our Government and hope that they will care for them just as much as we have. But we know in our hearts, that they are just a number… and they are just one person in a million that serve our country today or have in the past.
To me, the boy that I once knew is gone forever, and I can only hope and pray that he returns to me someday, safe and sound.
It is hard to believe, that my other two children also want to serve their country by being in the Military. My daughter wants to be a Medic, and my son Jake is undecided. Alan is going to be a Calvary Scout. I will stand by them, cry for them, and let them go, just like I have with ALAN…BUT I HAVE THE RIGHT AND FREEDOM TO HAVE MY HEART WEIGH HEAVY!
I love you Alan and I am very proud of you. You have grown into a man, and you have changed so much. We have laughed together cried together, and we have grown as a family together. I will always love you and I cannot wait for you to come home. You will always be my son, but for right now,,, you are an American soldier and one of the finest at that.
I love you
