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An
interesting perspective on the evolution of world
history.
World History 101:
For those of you who slept through
World History 101
here is a condensed version. Humans originally
existed as members
of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.
They lived on deer in
the mountains during the summer and would go
to the coast and live
on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important
events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer,
and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented
to
get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
These facts
formed the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was
discovered, it required grain and that was
the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were
sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed
close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent
their days tracking and killing animals to
BBQ at night while they
were drinking beer. This was the beginning of
what is known as the
Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less
skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by
showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching,
and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
The
rest became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal
achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of
group therapy and group hugs, the evolution
of the Hollywood
actor, and the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to
divide all the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the
largest, most powerful land animal on earth,
the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals
like imported beer (with lime added), but
most prefer white wine
or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are
standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note:
most liberal
women have higher testosterone levels than their
men. Most social
workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in
Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Conservatives
drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and
still provide for their
women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, firemen,
lumberjacks, construction workers, medical
doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines,
and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who
own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a
living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
govern
the producers and decide what to do with the
production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than
Americans. That is why
most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the Wild
West was tamed
and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here
ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted
that a liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to the
above before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute
truth of this history
that it will be forwarded immediately to
other true believers, and
to more liberals...just to piss them off.
