Two goats were munching their way through a Hollywood land fill when
one ate a roll of film. The other asked, "How was it?" And the first
goat said, "Not as good as the book!"
Two old friends happened to run into each other. "Long time, Jack!
What have you been up to?" "W-w-w-well, I a-a-almost got m-m-m-
married," Jack replied. "What do you mean, 'almost?'" "W-w-w-we were
sitting on the front p-p-p-porch, and the d-dog was s-s-scratching
his back and I said, 'H-h-h-honey, w-w-w-would y-you do that f-f-f-
for me?' and she p-p-punched me out and l-l-left." "All over
scratching your back? What's wrong with that?" Jack finished, "B-b-b-
because by the time I g-g-g-got it out, he was licking his b-b-
balls!"
A bus load of tourists stopped in the town square of a small Egyptian
city to shop at the stands surrounding the square. One tourist asked
a local for the time. The man, squatting beside his camel, reached
up, cupped the animal's genitals in his hand, raised them, lowered
them and replied, "2 o'clock." The tourist can't believe what just
happened. He found some of his fellow tourists, checked the time, and
sure enough, the local was right! After telling his story, they all
followed him back to see for themselves. "Pardon me? Do you know the
time?" The exact same thing happened: the local cupped the animal's
genitals in his hand, raised them, lowered them and said, "It is 2:05
p.m." Finally, the story got to the bus driver, who just had to know
how this trick was done. "How can you tell time from a camel's
genitals?" he asked. The local said, "Sit here." The driver did. "Now
grab my camel's genitals." He did that. "Now, lift them up in the
air." The driver did. "Now, look beneath them... to the other side of
the courtyard? See the town clock?"
A man took the aisle seat at the movie theater, but just as the
feature was finally about to start, a blonde made her way from the
center of the row to the aisle with a flurry of "Excuse me, sorry,
oops, pardon me…" etc. As she crawled over the man at the aisle, he
asked, "Couldn't you have done this earlier?" In a loud whisper, she
replied, "No. They just showed the 'Turn off your cell phone' message
and mine is in the car!"
Vice-President Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Lynne, has written a
book in which she supports her father while disagreeing with the
President. How ironic: a lesbian who prefers Dick over Bush!
Sidney went to a career counselor to help him find a new career.
After extensive testing, the counselor told him the results, "Sid,
according to our tests, you are a sadistic psychopath who enjoys
inflicting pain, misery and suffering on others. You'd make a
terrific golf course designer!"
Liana went skinny-dipping one hot summer day, but some young boys saw
her and stole her clothes. She got out of the water, discovered her
clothes were gone, and calmly walked to the roadside to hitchhike
home. Just then Steve rode by on a bicycle. "Hey, Liana. Want a ride
back to town?" "Sure," she said, as she jumped on his bicycle to ride
sidesaddle in front of him. Steve said nothing. But soon Liana grew
curious. "Steve, haven't you noticed that I'm naked?" she
asked. "Sure did!" said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that we're riding
a girl's bike?!"
A sweet little old lady owned a pair of monkeys for many years until
one died of natural causes. The second monkey suffered so much grief
that it died two days later. Loving them so much, she took them to a
taxidermist to have them stuffed. The owner asked, "Do you want them
mounted?" She blushed and said, "No. How about shaking hands
instead?"
A state trooper pulled over a woman who tried to get off easy by
acting shocked. "Officer, I'm surprised," she said. "I've never been
stopped like this before!" The trooper asked, "What do they usually
do, ma'am? Shoot out your tires?"
A man stared at a gorgeous woman wearing the tightest pants he'd ever
seen. Finally, he pulled up his courage, walked over, and asked, "How
do you get into those pants?" She looked him over and said, "Well,
you could start by buying me a drink!"
Teacher: "Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' " "K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-
L." "No, that's wrong." "Maybe so, but you asked me how I spell it!"
"Your Honor, I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on
me." "That's a serious accusation," said the judge. "Do you have any
evidence to substantiate your claim?" "Yes. Just last night I saw him
enter a movie theater with another woman." "Who was this other
woman?" "I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why didn't you
follow them into the theatre and find out who she was." "I would
have," she explained, "but the man I was with had already seen that
picture!"
A husband said to his wife of twenty-five years, "Honey, before we
got married, we lived in a cheap apartment, drove a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed, and watched a tiny black and white TV, but every night
I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a big
house, luxury car, king-sized bed, and a plasma TV, but every night I
sleep with a gray-haired 50-year-old woman. You're not holding up
your end of the bargain." His wife thought a moment and then
replied, "Honey, why don't you just go find yourself a hot 25-year-
old blonde who will accommodate you? I guarantee you that soon you'll
again live in a cheap apartment, drive a cheap car, and be lucky to
sleep on a sofa bed!"
An elderly couple are attending a church service. About halfway
through Mass, the missus leans over to her husband and says, "Oh my
goodness, Wesley, I've just done two silent farts, what do you think
I should do?" He says, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid. "
After the shy guy gave his date a bouquet of flowers, she threw her
arms around him and gave him a big kiss. The guy immediately turned
and headed for the door. "Oh, I'm sorry!" she exclaimed. "I didn't
mean to offend you." "You didn't," he replied. "I'm leaving to buy
you some jewelry!"
"You got a new car. What make is it?" asked Ted. Brandi the blonde
replied, "A Perndle." "A what?" "A Perndle." Ted looked
puzzled. "I've never heard of a Perndle before." Sue said, "Me
neither, but that's what it says, right over the steering wheel." Ted
looked inside the driver's window. "It doesn't say that anywhere!"
Brandi pointed, "See it? Right there? Just above the steering wheel
and below the speedometer? It's spelled out: 'P-R-N-D-L.' "
Bob: "My doctor says if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead in a week."
Bill: "Really? Why?" Bob: "I've been screwing his wife!"
Why are single women usually thinner than married women? Single women
see what's in the refrigerator and then go to bed. Married women see
what's in the bed and then go to the refrigerator!
