NTZ's blog: "A Return Of Thought"

A wick. The flame at my very tail end, i'm burnt out. Myself. Disappearing once again, i search out. Hopeful to recognize the man that I see, but reality reminds me that this all is just a fucking dream. So i snore to whatever they say. Sheep are hopping fences. Wolves be chasing. Never a moment to relax, kick back, and start grazing. Want my nights to be star gazing. Can I look up? Nope. Head down. Walking around. Life sucks. If I could just save 40 cents for ever buck that I make then I say my future will have days to be a good day. Each and every way possible, not trying to fake. The real road to liberation. Tip toeing not to make a mistake. So many roadblocks approaching. I having trouble swallowing this meal on my plate. If its me that is choking. Death be swift, dont sit around and just wait. I'm not here to make a legacy or children to take my place. I'm just living just to be living. If its possible under GOD's grace. Then maybe I can smile often and not allow all my emotions debate. Which will be the one to conquer and control the fucking look on my face. I'm just a little nobody in the middle of no where. So who cares how i talk. How I walk. How i spend my time speaking to women that stay on my mind even if their figures have never passed by my eye line. I'll gladly give up my time. Just to allow these thoughts not consume my mind. Life is all fine. Just need my own place. Need a moment, a break. Spread legs in front of me begging me to enter every hour of every day. Maybe I tire bout the 4th hour, if thats the case then that's ok. I'm just another soul who lives life like there is no other way. Whatever happens happens, a motto to die by. If so then my life have turned out great. Not letting opportunities pass me...so for this last scene. All I fucking have is my honesty. Wont try to do anyone wrong, that's a promise see. But every opportunity I'm taking. Not hesitating. So if you see me strolling enjoying a new face, at a same place. Dont label me woof woof, oink oink, or whorish of this fucking race. I'm giving time like that clock hanging above Flava's waist. Not your enemy but if you dislike me, oh well go ahead and hate. Not taking what's not mines so get your mind right or shut that hole propped on your face...you're not winning this race. It's ok, many greats have finished things in second place. These be the thoughts of me. So they shamefully stand pouting with jealousy. And I have nothing...life is funny to me. So I laugh!

No longer allowed to hold on to whats gone. So I lay behind this computer screen all alone. Another vagina pic on my phone. Masturbating to the thought of them, am I wrong? Everyday is just another day to plan my liberation. When it comes no hesitation. Patiently, quietly waiting. God's son, friend of Satan. Debating should i leave everything behind and drive hours to anything willing to be mines. In any form i see fit. If i need a bitch, she's down sucking the dick. If i need a loving kiss, she's pulling and biting my lips. No more promises of future bliss with wedding bells and fairy tales. Only fucking and cuddling visions exist. Silly rabbit vibrating the clit, you're just the warm up for the constant licks. Just another love hater falling down in his abyss. Wanting to lay my pounding head against the most loving tits. A baby. Your baby. Babe. Crying for your saving. Energy this life taking. Making me insane. Dame. Forgetting the world. Meeting you. Hugging you. Fucking you. Loving you. Self created pain through. Me and you. One never two.

In my imagine. Daddy's little woman. Never to see you growing. Why am I to fail? Putting you though hell before you ever know it yourself. Missing every moment. Missing every breath. Missing that opportunity to teach you to love yourself. That you're you own maker, never anyone else. Be proud to be seed of me and mama dearest, the clearest window to look out of full of glee. Vision the world and all it has for thee. Cool breeze. Big trees. Days mostly sunny. Even when is dark please wish upon the stars you see. Always carry love, never put hate above. Expand your wisdom and knowledge like you'e an addict for that drug. Never turn down a book. Before crossing paths, always look. See all the work it took for your mother to get you away from crooks. Who want to steal your innocence. Steer you from common sense. Put your life on dollars and cents. Teach you violence is how you vent. Naw, dont ever do it. Triggers never pull it. That disease is killing the world and not improving. I owe you more and really have to prove it. This love deep in me is strong as that current of electricity that power laptops to stay in tune with. Social lifestyles. Society doings. Facebookings. Fubars. Politics, the stars, and athletes with bad beef with the real person they are. Never follow their cars. Never tat them on your arms. Look inside for that bomb to blow up any swarm of enemies in your vicinity. And if you think of me. I hope its happy thoughts even if you never ever meet me. I'm so sorry. My little girl to be. Resting peacefully. Until you're no longer fetus. Out from the belly. Little woman to Daddy. Maker of yourself, never anyone else. 

-L.M.L

Not a fucking man. 
Even feel lesser.
Expectations of. 
Never. Measure. 
Up to what I could be. 
Maybe. Who's me? 
Christmas wrapping paper.
Trash. Never treasure.

...I'm a fucking mess and still better than most you ever know. Even with my fucking shit, i'm God when i'm emotional. So bow down to the trash. Kiss my ass. Lick the fucking hole. Wait until I cum, swallow what you'll never get to know....

...Wish you all would let go my physical attributes. Black skin. So what? Nigga i am nothing like you. Dick mighty large but fucking dude i'm not gonna hang with you. My age isn't shit. Who gives fuck about what I fucking do. In public, that club scenes is crap. Rather pick up prostitutes. And sniff coke off their asses before I actually give a fuck or two. Then overdose. Nose burning white, dying in the hospital. Jesus have mercy, what the hell got into you?..

...Angel on my shoulder. Reaper at my front door. Satan in my bedroom. Who's me? Dont know. Dont care. Wont wonder. Cruel Summer. Loving winter. Mind splinters. Thoughts break. Life hate. Death wait. Full plate. Not hungry. Crowded table. Still lonely. Still only. Better as. Best math. Added it up. Pencils down. Test over. Leave now. Scream out!...Never. Measure. Maybe. Who's me? Christmas wrapping paper. Trash. Never treasure. 

Addicted to the things you say....

...ways of the heart and mind to offer their places to trade. Maybe i'm lost and broken down to nothing and someway somehow your words meant something. Not because I never heard them, not because I believe them to be. Maybe just hearing them is all I need. Wishing. Yes, make believe me to be what I realistically can't see. Blinded. Hearing the compliments they are saying about me. Dying. Could it be graves dug by my lack of vision, eyesight seeing their possible likes? No, not those links clicked on webpages but feelings inside the souls slowly fading. Who am I dating?  A ghost. An imagination. A faulty self conscious lacking confidence and self esteem with no ambition to change much of these things. Ring. Telephones never seem. Screens. Twenty's falling from machines. Dreams. Made true by women walking under nightly scenes eyeing for blue lights when red brings illuminating pleasures by any means...

...addicted, high as bleed. 

As I lay here, minutes out of an hour. Minutes out of the shower. Naked. And the power of words I devour. Like chowder. I'm out of. Hyperbole, to describe my entire. Admirer. Who which that is arms tight around my throat like Elmyra. Never too tiny to be in tuned before this expire. Out of date. Too late. Dont wait or those moments will blaze into a fire. Now what ifs clouds your empire. As they threaten your reign claiming the dethrone you from your tower. Shall you leap?....

...or shall you defend what's within deep beneath the skin. Every emotion. Every thought. Every feeling. Will you win? Or never stand, forever laid in the spot where this thought began....

...DIE!

...It's from that tree I was fed fruit so beautiful, so sweet. It's from that bird i was sung lullabies so peaceful before i fell to sleep. It's was from that kitchen i was given warmth even without the ovens heat. From that bed i was never forgotten, hugs and kisses into memories. From that town small in size yet big in this bleeding heart in me. From these silent times a reminder of what love is even if love isn't what i be. It's from those rides over interstate black tops where i couldn't move, travelling to a future worth to see. It's from these words quickly spoken i give away like the life shared to be...

...its from you i gain me.

Funny how the world only miss you when its high, drunk, or sitting in the darkness. Meaning, they're looking down on you. Saying that they want you but it's clearly lines are no longer worth crossing. You on a heavy brush method and they're no longer flossing. So in that dream where you're turning and tossing under covers. Running, is there anyone out there that loves you? Even the one in the mirror, do he want's you? Crazy how pathetic and sad becomes whatever and mad but is never bad to see life in a new light. For all the souls who fight logic to be right. Are we so destructive that we can't stitch right? I hope we enjoying these long lonely nights but if we not, many many many choices outside. Maybe. Is those choices that makes us hateful? Fearful? Cautious? Now possibly on the verge of crossing new lines that's crossing with old. New morals. New feelings. New dealings with the world. New beings to be around and maybe a new appealing to get down for. Those moments down so down feel seconds in an hour or days in a lifetime. Just small moment in our minds. Unwind. Sit back and realize what's going on in your world. So i look at mines. 13 gonna get see new things.  Wintering as i spring in a summer that will fall in place to bring smiles to my face. Go the job and the car but the place is at the end of those hectic race i'm running. To other things I'm wanting or no longer wanting. In the end just reach a place of less hurting. But is it funny? Jokes on we. Laughing with the world, at the world, and at we. Jokes on we. 

I lay here on this january evening, i'm grieving. Thinking on these emotions and every thing i'm feeling. Wishing a few things in my life was sorta different. People in my life that has became sorta missing. Here and not here, hocus pocus disappear. I'm in the act to lose again, visiting another fear. You speak, I dont even hear. I speak, you can never hear. So these words on screens be a release. Appears facebook walls only listens to my jeers. Not a star on a stage so there will never be a cheer. Go only refers to leave get out of here. Not keep going on, be strong. Please win. I end this little thought loving on a friend. A friend that wasn't friend when changes met begin. And when, those many months saw refusal to end. Yet battle hard just to stay close to my friend. I need to feel some more. I need to be even more. I need you some more. I need...I dont know no more. I need a sign. Some help for my mind. Some time. A line or two to speak better towards you. Some pine sol cleaner to mop up the mess. The rest of your head softly laid on a chest of a man. Sorta boying but again, you the current friend of the mass production of unsure of what began. Till it end..

As I, travel in my aura. Nora, explorer of what is myself. The little me that discovers the cover for all to see is different from the soul that's rarely felt. They all fear what they hear without getting to know. Manson. Anti-social superstar, they boycott my show. Growth on hold like the hairs retreating behind the fore. Head, above the clouds yet grounded beneath the toes. So before a word is spoken they already on know like Marty Mcfly, back from the future. Observer of what's to come. You people showing dumb. Writing scripts to what is me like prepared stories of reality tele-V. But i'm above the influence, major anti-druggie. Refusal to befriend those who impatient to get to know me. I'm far above the clouds like Zeus above you kings. Mount Olympus to any little castle you want to dream. My life force may bleed oddity yet the odds that is me living pass 23 was slim and grim. Film of my death envisioned in the mind of the teen who had no future because a life was never seen. Books was false hope. Television was the tease. Stories told mouth the mouth seemed to travel like disease. Carrier of the virus, placed on quarantine. It's hard to be confident strolling on the scene when people don't want anything with you, they downing on who you be. You're nothing of what they're use to so they keep distance from thee. No phone begin to ring, no texts scrolling on the screen. So you're use to being alone like two digits before number three. Lonely number. Better yet even one before he. Nothing. This is just something that is blurted out of me. I'm toothpaste in that tube, got myself on squeeze. I be...