You got to believe in something, why not believe in me?
Those words were my “quit” message in IRC. They hold
special meaning for me. I 1st heard that song back in early
90 or so.
The military drums, which sounds like marching. The Whistles,
oh the Whistles. The voice saying “you got to believe in something,
why not believe in me….?” “Believe in something…believe in me”.
When this track was played….all the house
children would hit the floor, me included.
Lot’s of shade thrown. Dish and tell.
I really enjoyed ( not to confused with happiness) those times. Dancing like a utter fool the whole
night. Sweating,legs hurting, head throbbing but I cared not. I was
having fun, leaving my ills at the door. I felt part of something.
------------------------------
I spoke to a friend who’s on Fubar today. She asked me how I’m
doing. I was straight up with her. I told her…lousy. We talked for a
bit and I brought up the fact that I live in the past. It’s all I have.
She said , No, live for now.
I really wish I could. I see nothing coming down the pike.
The here and now frankly blows. The past wasn’t all great
either but I sure did have some mindless fun.
Now everything is a heartache. The simplest things annoy me.
I cannot let go of things….
I can’t really recall a time when I was truly happy…because I know
going by past performance, the feeling is fleeting. I’m a pessimist.
Always have been , will continue to be one.
Nothing good ever happens to me. Of course you can bring out the
saying “ you make your own happiness” or “ Your in control of your
own destiny”. Makes for great fortune cookie messages or motivational
posters but in reality, it’s not true. I’ve tried the whole “everything is
wonderful and I’m going to have a fresh out look on things”.
It doesn’t work, for me anyways.
I’ve gotten to the point where I’m considering leaving. You can interpret
in any way you want. There’s no point anymore. The constant heartache
The empty promises, the unfulfilled dreams, the blatant lies and deceptions. I cry, I yell and I still have no release.
Reality is what it is…and it ain’t good. How much could, or should one take?
I’ve pretty much reached that limit. This is my catharsis. But in truth it
means absolutely nothing…nothing at all
Rhiannon Raventhorn
