I was asked by a friend what I would want for my birthday which is only a few days away..I quickly responded to him if I could have one thing it would be to feel truly loved..I have always believed we have one person out there thats just for us..I know sometimes we dont always find them and we fall in love with people and after many years we realize were not meant to be..i have seen the kind of love I want so I know it exist I do question sometimes how much pain we have to endure in our life before we find them if we ever find them..I am in a place in my life that im miserable and for the people that are like me and yes there are many of us that suffer in silence and pretend that we are okay well big hugs to you because I know what your going through..you see im a honest person I dont mind sharing this part of my life with people its real nothing about it is fake..I know for myself I stay and yes so many ppl are quick to tell you to just leave well its not always so simple i have left before I have suffered through much abuse in my marriage mental is the worse because it stays with you forever and tears you aprt inside for physical it hurts yes but it does go away I really think a man that hits a woman is pathetic and knowing all to well he will answer for his wrong doings one day. I like to put my thoughts in words sometimes it helps heal us within .I need this right now in my life ..I came back to finish raising my sons after I had left 6 yrs ago they wouldnt leave with me because this is where they had grown up all their life so I couldnt force them so I returned and I promised God if he helped me get through this I would do the same for my sons and yes they are grown now but they are still home and there not planning on leaving for another 6 months here is my dilema..my sons are my life..my world ..for those that dont quite get it well im sorry they are my reason for living.Now consider this im about to be 46 yrs old i put my life on hold to raise my sons I dont regret doing that at all its been the best years of my life with them ..I am proud of the men they became but im not leaving them while there still home..I just went back to work to better my life after my husband told me I couldnt find a job or that I wouldnt work .I proved him wrong so now im working with hospice patients at their homes and im still taking care of all my wifely dutys and motherly dutys at home so for all those women they say they cant do it all thats a damn lie im living proof of it ..my question is this how after 20 years of a miserable marriage do you just walk away from it ..my brother is doing this right now and he told me sis its not so easy to do..men usually have a better job while a stay at home mom or wife has usually no experience in the workforce so your subject to minimum wage jobs ..I barely make above that right now.theres so much involved in a persons decision.my parents love me and they will support me no matter which way I go but I ask myself what will I do to my sons lifes i have seen my nieces struggle doing holidays trying not to hurt one of the parents and then the birth of their children the going back and forth ..what do you do .sacrafice your own happiness for your childrens life and your grandchildren in the future? its something im really struggling with right now..and yes before you even ask me we have been to cancelling before but their comes a point in your life that your tired of always being told your the one thats crazy ..your the one thats wrong all the time everyday of your life or how stupid you are so that has been answered for you now..I know we are the only ones capable of changing our life in the end it has to be our decision this i know.I just wish sometimes you could change your mistakes but then I realize if we never made them how would we ever learn..thanks for listening to me and I appreciate your thoughts..much love..Rita
