I have an addiction to Crystal Meth, Addiction is a cycle of predictable patterns of thinking and behaving, which captures a person a little more each time it is repeated. Addiction is like a thief in the night, Sometimes it takes a little, Sometimes alot but it never gets enough. It keeps coming back for more until it owns you, all of you. Remember that an addiction is formed when a person gives him or herself up to a certain behavior, this gives the behavior more power over a person than they have over themselves. Addiction is like a vise that closes real slowly, You ignore it until there is no way to wiggle free.Addictive behavior tends to develop slowly, this is why we fail to see it coming. At first I bought Meth every once in a while and only spent a few hours a week thinking about it. After a while I began to get lost in it, letting other things slide in order to pursue my addiction. It felt good, So I did it again and again, slowly it became part of my daily life and I made sure that I had it with me at all times.After a while I chose friends who also did Meth to hang out with and these habits became part of everyday life and I no longer thought about them. Then oneday I woke up and the first thing I did was take a hit off my pipe; The cycle had started. The basic damage of addiction is not whether the behavior is good or bad, moral or immoral,legal or illegal. It is the destructive nature of my addiction itself that causes problems. My addiction distorted my thinking so that I saw no middle, everything was black or white. It's either awesome or it sucks. I also went to the extreme of ALL or NOTHING thinking, When it came time to paying bills if I didn't have allof the money, FUCK IT, just buy dope since I can't pay the entire bill.I used Meth to fufill a need,it helped control painful feelings or it made them go away for a while.The change was predictable, something I could count on,as an addict I hated change. I gradually surrendered my freedom of choice in exchange for instant pleasure or escape. In most cases my use wasn't for pleasure but numbness,the absence of any feeling at all.But it doesn't solve the problems that caused the pain in the first place.It sometimes reached the point that if you aked me besides getting high,what else was enjoyable? I'd just give you a blank stare. Other formsof recreation and personal fufillment had been smothered as my addiction took over my existence. With all satisfaction gone except for my addiction, life became dull and empty. An addict will tell you there is no high like that first high. The desire to repeat that first high is so strong that a person will not give up trying to return there but find out you never will, You're only a virgin once. I lost my self worth,I vanished. Once I regularly experienced the loss of control over my life, I gegan to lose my identity. When I looked in the mirror, there wasn't anybody there. My addiction was a personal secret that I hid from myself and from others. I worked hard to make sure nobody knew, I felt shame and guilt and these feelings set me even more apart from everyone else. I wouldn't go near my family because I was ashamed of my addiction and myself. I'd get so sad and depressed that I would pull away and hide. I began to think my addiction was my only friend. Even in a crowded room I was all alone, I was the only person on the planet. Depression set in and depression robs a person of energy and the will to over come it. Fun died, laughter died and love died. Nothing mattered anymore - NOTHING AT ALL. I couldn't see any reason to go on, why bother? I began to ignore all my financial responsibilities, I spent so much on my addiction.My life became a box that seemed to get smaller everyday, One night I realized there was no corner left to hide in, I was dying, body and soul. My addiction cost not only me but it cost my family money,pride,peace of mind, heartache and embarrassment. Out of dope and out of hope, I cocked a pistol, put it to my head and started to cry. I didn't have the courage to live and I didn't have the guts to die.
The longer we put off facing our addiction, the deeper the hooks are set and the harder they are to remove. It's devestating to believe the only way out is death. But addiction has no LIMIT.First is the realization that I am responsible for my own actions. Next I had to admit I had an addiction and it had control over me. It took tremendous strength to admit I was losing the fight with my habit. I had hit rock bottom and this very well could be my last chance. I'm quitting because of the cost and the direction my addiction has taken me. I have no choice but tochange or die, physically, mentally and spiritually. Honesty is the key, I must remove myself as far as possible from the oblect of my addiction. DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.....
Recovery will take time, dedication, commitment, patience, energy and effort. It will not come easy or quick, recovery is greater than the cost and I'm ready topay the price, NO MATTER HOW MUCH. Recovery to me means to find my tru self, I want to hold my head up high again and not be ashamed.I want to feel success and accomplishment again, I want to be happy with myself again. The only way to avoid mistakes is not to try, As I fail and learn to try again, I'll develop greater strength.Through trial and error I can grow into my true self.During recovery my pain will give me direction,It will point out areas where I still need to take action. It will give proof that I'm still alive and that I still need to make more changes.I need to stop that hunger that begins to crawl up my spine, a silent scream for that RUSH.More than time,more than money recovery requires that you learn to love and respect yourself, pherhaps for the first time.In treatment more than any other place, you get what you give....... No more, No less...
As of today 2 plus years after writing this letter......
I'm still clean, I love life and myself........
again............................
