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Iceman's blog: "A Little Humor"

created on 01/22/2009  |  http://fubar.com/a-little-humor/b273256

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell her things that you’ve never shared with another soul and she absorbs everything you say and actually wants to hear more. You share hopes for the future together with her and some of the goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell her about it, knowing she will share in your excitement. She is not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Seldom does she hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather she builds you up and shows you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful in her eyes. There is never any pressure or competition but only a quiet calmness when she is around. You can be yourself and not worry about what she will think of you because she loves you for who you are and sears she will love you “Forever and always no matter what”. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In her presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having her nearby or in your arms. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this woman who is so special to you and the love you have been searching for your whole life. You think of her on every occasion and in everything you do; she is always on your mind. Simple things bring her to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and finally worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that she is part of your life and will be for the rest of your life. Then suddenly one day without warning she is gone and your life is over. You do everything within your power to try to salvage this relationship to no avail and the most important person in your life who promised never to leave you and to love you forever and always no matter what is gone forever and your life is an empty shell with no hope of ever being worthwhile ever again. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you cry every day constantly trying to figure out why and how to win her back but nothing you do works. You can’t get her out of your mind and can’t stop loving her no matter what you try. Months go by and nothing changes. The tears still flow, the deep love for her remains and there is nothing to do but resign yourself to an empty worthless life forever knowing that you will never love another and will wait for her return forever.




Vikings Fan? YES He would've been.


When in the Course of an NFL season, it becomes necessary for one group of fans to dissolve the bitter ending of the 2009 NFC Championship game which have connected them with bitter endeavors of the past, and to assume among the powers of the game, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of running the Football and of winning games entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the belief of an upcoming Super Bowl Championship.


We hold these truths to be self evident, that not all teams are created as equal as the VIkings, and that the Vikings are endowed by their fans with certain unalienable talents that among these are Life of a new season, Liberty, and the pursuit of a Championship. That to secure these rights, VIking fans are uniquely instituted among people, deriving their just powers from the faith that we will get a new stadium, That whenever any opponent becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the defense to demolish them,  and to institute the offense onto the field, laying its foundation on such principles as running and passing, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their winning the game.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Viking fans long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Viking fans are more disposed to suffer after the 2009 season, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of losses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despair it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such feelings, and to provide new hope for the 2010 season.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these fans; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of belief. The history of the Vikings is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tearanny (tyranny...TEARanny...sadness, get it?) over these fans. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid NFL world.

Well, let us not, for we know what they are.

We, therefore, the Daily Norseman, Representatives of the fans of the VIkings, Assembled, appealing to the Gods of Football for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good fans of this team, solemnly publish and declare, That this United Fanbase is, and of Right ought to be Free of the Past; that they are Absolved from all past grievous losses, including the 2009 NFC Championship, and four Super Bowls and that all emotional connection between them and the 2010 season, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Fans of the Best Team in Football, they have full Power to cheer for a sweep of the Packers and Bears, a division championship, conference championship, Super Bowl championship, and to do all other Acts and Things which lead towards that endeavor. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Brett Favre to remain injury free, we mutually pledge to each other our Replica Jerseys, our Chicken Wing recipe, and our sacred Leinenkugel's Sunset Wheat Beer.

In all seriousness, we live in the greatest country in the world.  Enjoy your freedoms, and take a moment to give thanks to those that are putting it on the line half a world away to make sure we can enjoy these freedoms for another 230+ years.


What does 'SKOL' Mean?



Jared Allen would have so fit in during the Middle Ages. Mullets, you see, are timeless.


I can't tell you how many times I've been asked that as a Vikings fan.  Most people think it's just a common, Scandanavian greeting...and it is.  It can also translate into bowl, as in drink from a bowl.  And although there are varying opinions on how 'skol' came to be a greeting, this is my most favorite one.  Let's see how we can tie these two disparate meanings--(bowl and hello) together.

Back in the Middle Ages, rampaging bands of Vikings were roaming Europe and kicking the shit out of people.  From Lindisfarme to France it didn't matter.  For about 500 years, the boogeyman would check his closet before he went to bed to make sure there weren't any Vikings in it. 

Anyway, at the end of the battle, Viking warriors would decapitate the king or leader of the tribe/army they had just vanquished and that night would drink from his skull--spelled skoll--as a sign of respect for the fallen opponent. It was only then, Viking warriors believed, could an opponent who had fought valiantly be allowed into Valhalla.

In battle, Vikings would urge each other forward by yelling "SKOLL" to one another. By doing so, they were telling each other to keep it up so they could drink from the skull (and the top of a lopped off skull looks roughly like a..wait for it...BOWL!!) of the Vanquished that night.

These days, it just is a way to urge each other on to victory in an American football game, but if you piss us off too much, we'll put Packer Nation's head on a pole, parade it around, and then drink some Grain Belt from it, so keep one eye open bitches, because the Vikings can go medieval on you in a freakin' heartbeat.

So, at least mythologically speaking, both meanings originate from our Ancestors kicking the hell out of some poor bastard who was the leader of some hopelessly pathetic tribe that dared to give us the finger.

I mean, think about it...after a hard day of rampaging, killing, and pillaging, you're beat. You're dog-assed tired. All you want to do is sit around a campifre, drink some grog, and shoot the shit with your buddies. You're too freakin' tired to strike up a conversation, and as a warrior, you don't gush over someone when you see that they're still alive, so you come up with simple, one or two word phrases that capture the essence of the moment.

Today, it's "dude".

Back then, as the skull of the poor bastard (who hours before was some minor bigshot) is passed around, all you have the energy to do is give a wry smile over to a fellow warrior and say....skol. One word conveyed it all.

So skol has evolved from a battle cry of warriors to a common salutation or toast to friends, which in a way, it always was.

Only under much different circumstances.

And if it is just a myth, as many claim, well, it's one hell of a myth, and until someone can prove to me they DIDN'T drink from the skull of a vanquished opponent, then By God, they did. Because until then, it's just opinion, and I like this side of the story a lot better, because it's totally badass.

"May we always drink from the skulls of our enemies!"



Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'


Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.


'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..


An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.


You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint.  You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:  

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts..  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your  50's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports  car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says,

'I Got Worms  .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your  70's:

Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your  80's:

Stop what you are doing.  Start  again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot.  Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe?  Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?  Why am I reading this?  Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? .

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious! 

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda 

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!   
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!   
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! 

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!   

There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents! 

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe! 

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! 

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig? 

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! 

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are. 

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! 

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE! 

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!     
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!   
And car seats - oh, please!   Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!   
See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

The Over 30 Crowd 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing
tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says,

"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to

me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
"Better think it over..............women like that are hard to find."

Three Football players go to Heaven . . .

God asks Peyton Manning first: "What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe
in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in
giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers
him a seat to his left.


Then God turns to Aaron Rodgers and says, "What do you believe?"

Aaron says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always
tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields."

God is greatly moved by Aaron's sincere eloquence and he offers him a
seat to his right.


Finally, God turns to Brett Favre: "And you, Brett, what do you believe?"

Brett replies, "I believe you're in my seat."


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