B a B i E V's blog: "ABOUT ME"

I GUESS ILL START AT THE BEGINNING, WHEN I WAS 14, I WAS RUNNING AWAY. BEIN A LIL  OK, ALOT BAD. MY PARENTS ENDED UP PUTTING ME IN A SHELTER CALLED WHALES TALE.  I GOT 2 MEALS A DAY IT WAS 2 BIG ROOMS , TEN BUNKS IN EACH ROOM. I HAD 2 LEAVE AT 9 AM AND COULD RETURN AT 3. ON WEEKENDS, IT WAS 12PM TILL 9 PM.  I REMEMBER BEING 14 SITTING UP IN MERCY HOSPITAL IN A WAITING ROOM WITH A BAG OF SNACKS AND ID WATCH T.V TILL IT WAS TIME FOR ME 2 GO IN. I MET MY BOYFRIEND ( BABYS DAD) HE DIDNT LIVE THERE BUT UP THE STREET. YOU COULD SAY I WAS PRETTY ARTTACHED 2 HIM, I HAD NOONE, MY PARENT CHANGED THEIR NUMBER SO IF I NEED ANYTHING, ( WHICH COULDNT B MUCH) I HAD TO CALL THEIR LAWYER.  WHILE I WAS THERE, I HAD TO FIGHT FOR MY OWN SHIT, I LIKED IN THE MIDDLE OF *CRACK PROSTITUTE CENTRAL** BAD PLACE ( THE HILL DISTRICT 5TH AVE TP THE PITTSBURGERS HERE)  I HAD NOONE BUT MYSELF, I USED TO RIDE BUSES TO PASS THE TIME, ID GET ON ONE RIDE IT TO THE END, AND THEN CATCH ANOTHER. OH YEA MY (BABYS DAD, NOT AT THE TIME) HE CHEATED ON ME, PPL WOULD COME TELL ME AND HE WOULD DO IT IN FROMNT OF MY FACE. ID LOOK AT PEOPLE ON THE BUS ND WONDER IF THEY HAD KIDS, WHAT THEY LOOKED LIKE, WHAT THEIR ROOM LOOKED LIKE.  I SUFFERED FROM EXTREME SADNESS AND ABANDEDMEN (SP). I NEVER CRIED JUST STUFFED IT DOWN, WHEN I WAS EIGHTENEN, MY PARENTS GAVE ME A CHOICE OF COMMING HOME (I WAS GETTING IN2 TO MANY FIGHTS AND MY PARENTS STARTED LETTING ME COME SPEND WEEKENDS, I WAS 18 ) THEY WE WILLING TO PAY FOR ME TO GO TO SCHOOL FOR WHATEVER I WANTED, ( I CHOSE COSMETOLOGY  : () )I WAS STILL SEEIN MY BF WHEN I COULD HE CHEATED THE WHOLE TIME. WHEN I GRADUATED THAT SAME DAY, I MOVED OUT WITH A FRIEND OF MINE, ( I SEE NOW I WAS PAYING ALL THE BILLS SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OUT OF ME) WHEN I CAUGHT ON I GOT KICKED OUT BY THEN I WAS PREGNANT WWITH THE *CHEATERS* BABY.  I MOVED IN WITH MY GIRL FOR BOUT 6 MONTHS UNTILK WE GOT AN APARTMENT. NOW WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, MY BABYS DAD DIDNT THINK IT WAS HIS, HE TOLD ME IF I CAME HME WITH HER I HAD 2 GET OUT ( I HAD NOWHERE TO GO) I HID MY PREGNANCY 2 MY PARENTS, I CALLED THEM THE DAY I HAD HER AND SAID " MA I JUST HAD A BABY" ILL NEVER 4GET THESE WORD SHE SAID " YOUR ON YOUR OWN" AND I DIDNT TALK TO HER FOR BOUT THREEE YEARS 5 FROMMY DAD, MY KIDS ARE BI - RACIAL AND MY PARENTS WERE TOTALLY AGAINST IT.  WHEN WE WERE LIVING 2GETHER, HE WOULDNT GIVE ME A KEY, HE THREW ME AND THE BABY OUT ALL THE TIME (12 AT NIGHT , ONE IN THE MORNING, ID COME HOME TO GIRLS IN THE HOUSE I EVENTUALLY LEFT HIM, AT THAT TIME I WEIGHED 250 LBS. HE USED TO TELL ME I WAS FAT AND NO1 WOULD WANT ME, I WAS UGLY, HE WAS PHYSICAL 2 ME BUT NOT THAT MUCH. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO LOVE SUM1 SO MUCH THAT YOU WANT 2 BREATHE THE SAME AIR, THAT LINGER FOR A HUG HERE AND THERE, AN "I LOVE YOU" A SIMPLE " I NEED YOU"  . IT HURTS HE ENDED UP GOING TO JAMACIA FOR A MONTH WITHOUT TELLING ME THAT WAS ONE OF THE WORST MONTHS OF MY LIFE. I CRIED MY HEART ACTUALLY ACHED ( DOES ANY KNOW WAT IM TALKING ABOUT ) WHEN YOUR HEART SKIPS A BEAT WHEN HE KISSES YOU? ANYHOW THAT WAS HURT NUMBER 1.  I HAD AN APARTMENT FOR 3 MONTHS AND COULDNT BRING MYSELF TO LEAVE HIM, I ENDED UP 1 DAY JUST STANDING UP TELLING HIM THAT I WAS LEAVING HIM.  WE WERE TOGETHER FOR 9 YEARS.  WHEN I MOVED TO MY NEW APARTMENT, I ENDED UP MEETING SOME1 ELSE ( BABYS DAD NO. 2 THATS ALL I SWEAR!!! ) ( LOL) , ANYWAYS THIS ONE WAS WORSE, HE MENTALLY PHYSICALLY ABUSED  ME TO WHERE I WAS UNCONCIOUS.. PPL SAY JUST GET UP AND GO, SUMTIMES YOU CANT. IF HE WENT TO THE 7 ELEVEN I WENT, WHEN I DID LEAVE HIM, HE FOUND ME AND BEAT ME SO BAD ON THE ST I HAD 2 RUN 2 A NEARBY HOUSE.  I WAS PREGNANT WITH MY 5 YEAR OLD, HE TOOK ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND PUT A GUN IN2 MY MOUTH AND ASKJED ME IF I WANTED 2 DIE?  ( OF COURSE I SAID YES, BCAUSE AT THAT TIME IT DIDNT MATTER I JUST WANTED OUY.) HE WAS ANOTHER CHEATER HE TAKE MY CAR AND HE CHEATED ON ME   LIKE NOONE HAS EVER CHEATED ON ME B4, HE LIED TO ME ABOUT EVERYTHING FOR EXAPLE ONE DAY HE CALLED E AND TOLD ME HE BOUGHT ME A SURPRISE, WHEN I GOT HOME THERE WAS A BIG SCREEN TV.  3 WEEKS LATER RENT A CENTER KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND WANTED THEIR SHIT BACK FOR NON PAYMENTS, ( WAT A LIE!!) HE BEAT ME SO BAD 1 NIGHT MY WATER BROKE, I WAS SIX MONTHS.  I HAD HER BY C SECTION, SHE WEIGHED ONE POUND ONE OUNCE, DEAD FOR 2 MINUTES. THEY FED HER MILK THROUGH A SIRINGE. FOR A WEEK SHE HAD 2 WEAR A BLINDFOLD AND B UNDER IIGHTS FOR A WEEK. SHE WAS IN THERE FOR 2 MONTHS..  HE ALSO TOLD ME EVERYDAY THAT NOONE WOULD WANT ME THAT I WAS UGLY ECT ECT  .I HAVE A PERMANENT PFA ( PROTECTION FROM ABUSE)  MTHAT WAS HURT NO2. ( THAT RELATIONSHIP WAS 6)  I MET THIS REALLY NICE GUY, HE TREATED ME LIKE A QUEED.... I NEVER HAD SUM1 TREAT ME SO WELL I HONESTLY THOUGHT ID GET MARRIED, HE ENDED USING DRUGS, AND I CAME HOME TO A EMPTY HOUSE, HE EVEN STOLE MY KIDS CHRISTMAS TOYS.  HE ALSO CHEATED ON WITH A GIRL UNTIL SHE STOLE EVERYTHING FROM HIM.  HE CRUSHED MY HEART. THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME MY PARENTS LIKED ANY1.  OH YEA I GET NO CHILD SUPPORT WHAT SO EVER.  THAT WAS HURT NO. 3. NOW I AM ~~SEEING~~ THIS GUY. I DNT KNOW IF ITS ME OR HIM, HE SMOTHERS ME.  I CANT GO IN THE OTHER ROOM WITHOUT BEING FOLLOWED. I HAD SUCH STRONG FEELINGS, HE WENT THROUGH MY PHNE AND TEXTED PPL HE THOUGHT WANTED ME. ( I KNOW SO DISRESPECTFUL) I THINK HE SUGAR COATS THINGS TO SHUT HIME UP, HE LOVES MY KIDS, MY KIDS ABSOLUTELY ADORES HIM, MY 5 YR OLD HAS ASKED HIM 2 B HER DAD. (SHE CALLS US HER PARENTS!) LOL.  I HAVE A VERY HARD TIME TRUSTING ANY1 WETHER MAN OR FEMALE.  ITS JUST NOT THERE. MY SELF ESTEEM IS SO BAD I HAVE 1 MIRROR IN MY HOUSE ( ITS MEDICINE MIRROR CANT TAKE IT OFF)  I DNT THINK IM GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANY1 SO I SETTLE FOR THE MO FUKRZ  THAT SIT AT HME AND WATCH TV ALL DAY WHILE IM OUT WORKING MY ASS OFF. I LIVE IN A SHITTY ASS APT I SLEEP ON THE COUCH, I DONT WANT GUYS TO BUY ME THINGS I JUST WANT A 50/50 RELATIONSHIPS. I LOOOOVE SURPRISES, ID RATHER SAY " OH I LOVE THAT DRESS" AND YOU SURPRISING ME WITH IT RATHER  THAN SAY " BUY ME THAT" DO THIS , DO THAT. IM IN NO KIND OF GOLDIGGER, IVE STRUGGLED THROUGHT THE WORST OF THE WORST WITH MY EX - MEN.  MY HEART, I AM SO SCARED OF BEING LATE THAT IM PUSHING SUMTHING GOOD AWAY.  I ALWAYS ANALYZE WHAT SUM1 SAYS TO TRY TO WONDER WHAT THEY ARE GAINING  FROM WHAT THEY WANT WITH ME. I FEEL LIKE I CANT GET A GOOD MAN, THEY DESERVE BETTER. WHEN I LOOK IN A MIRROR I SEE FAT, I DNT SEE PRETTINESS. THIS IS ME REAL AS FUCK!! IF YA DNT LIKE LEAVE NOW. ANYWAYS... HOW DO I TRUST AGAIN.  I DNT WANT 2 PASS SUMTHING UP THINKIN THEY WANT THINGS BCAUSE RIGHT NOW IT CRAZY FOR ME TO THINK SUM1 CAN LOVE ME FOR ME. I HAVE A GREAT HEART, I TEND TO GET TAKEN ADVANTAGE OFF. ALL I ASK FOR IS THE TRUTH, 50/50 AND I WANA B HELD!! ~~LUV SNUGGLIN~~  IM UNHAPPY NOW, I WRITE ALOT WHEN IM SAD, I NEED SUM ADVICE IF ANY1 ELSE OUT THERE CAN FEEL ME A LIL BIT DROP ME ALINE!!

THANKS FOR READING MY BLOG, IF YA WANA HEAR MORE, JUST ASK ILL GO ON

BaBiE v

anycomments are greatly appriciated!! xo