If I could describe my heart it would be like a fragile candle, broken, but never beyond repair. Like a candle, it can be remolded. There may be some pieces missing, and over time, may seem smaller, but in the grand scheme of things, is anyone really whole? I was complete once, for a little while. My heart was whole, things weren’t perfect, but life was good. When that was taken away from me, I thought that I would never recover. Maybe I haven’t fully recovered but I am on the right track. Everyday I think about the way things are with us. I think about how good things used to be, and how wrong everything has become. I wonder why we continue to put ourselves through this, day after day. I see myself lately as someone who just goes through life without the passions that once carried me through the days. I see myself as someone who’s settled because it seems like the right thing to do. I ask myself, every day, “What kind of way is this to live?” I wonder am I being selfish, why can’t I just accept the way that things have become and work with it instead of against it? If there is so much love in my life, why is my heart so empty, why am I so unhappy? As long as I stay, I will wonder, every day, what is wrong with me. Why can’t I just go with the flow, move with the groove. The answers are there, within me, but without the passions that once belonged to me, they will continue to go unsaid. Whenever I ask, whenever I wonder, I get a lump in my throat because deep down, I know that things have become irreversible, unreasonable, and unnatural. I remember hearing “Everyone changes” but I thought that meant subtly. The drastic changes that have occurred in you have made me change in a way that is not becoming or representing of who I really am. I’ve lost me. I am no longer the person you fell in love with and can not imagine anyone loving the person that I’ve become. If I met me as I was a year ago and the me of today, I would never believe that I am the same person. Where am I? Who am I? Where do I find me if not within my own happiness and with the help of my passions?
I may never comprehend why things can’t be the way they should be, but I do know that I can’t go on this way. I’m tired of talking. Nothing improves, nothing helps, nothing changes. The guilt that I will carry with me for letting go of someone that truly love me will subside once I realize that if I was truly loved, I wouldn’t be in this misery. I would be in a relationship that has passion to carry it through. I would be in a relationship where I am as important to him as he is to me. I would be me.
