Somebody Elses Weirdo's blog: "A Letter to Me"

I had a long conversation with a friend the other night about some study about chick flicks being detrimental to marriages. Apparently there are people out there that have a hard time separating fantasy from reality and expect their relationships will turn out with “happily ever after”. Now we all know that happy endings are only stories that haven’t finished yet but I have to wonder if there are really still people out there that believe they’ll find the one their looking for and be “complete”. Since a lot of really good “chick flicks” end in tragedy, I would think that most sensible women would be grateful for what they have after watching. I like watching movies that end in tragedy,  it reminds me of the pain and keeps me from being stupid and believing in something that’s bound to end in tragedy. I’ve forgotten the pain and how it felt. But when I watch a tragic love story, it brings those feelings back … even if it’s for just one moment … and brings me back to reality and back to my senses. A heart can only break so many times before it can never be put back together again.

During this same conversation, we discussed love (as stupid as it is) and the “perfect love”. Do you believe there is a perfect love? Would you know your perfect love if you found it? Do you think that you should have to work at love? I think everyone has a love in their heart that’s perfect for them. I’m not talking about a “soul mate” and I don’t believe there is one perfect person out there for everyone. I’m talking about a feeling. A feeling so strong and pure that it may be the most natural feeling you’ve ever had. Everyone’s feelings are different so what defines their perfect love is different from the others. For me … it was the second we met. The feelings were so strong and so familiar that it scared the shit out of me. It was like I knew him even though we’d only just met and he knew me better than anyone ever had before or since. Even though I am a complete person all by myself, I felt like a part of me had been missing all along and I never knew it until I met him. I never had to “work” at loving him. It was as natural to me as breathing. My love for him was just as intense, just as passionate, just as powerful on the day we got divorced as it was the day I met him …

 

Time is priceless, yet it costs us nothing. You can do anything you want with it, but you can't own it. You can spend it, but you can't keep it. And once you've lost it, there's no getting it back. It's just ... gone. 

  

I was recently dumped. Not really a big deal, I hadn’t invested a lot of feelings into the relationship or anything. Thing is, this guy basically told me that I'm too intense, too passionate (as if that's a problem in this day & age). He actually said "Your passion doesn't let you see past the moment that you're in. At each beginning, I'm guessing that you would think that "this" might be the one ... You throw your entire worth and being into the relationship". I know what you're thinking "Did this guy even know you?" ... I have to say no.

If you know me ... you know that my passion is with me in everything I do in life. I "throw my entire worth and being" into my entire life. It's what got me through losing so much over the years. It's what brought me to Washington. It's what pushes me to succeed despite every obstacle I've come up against.

Someone once told me that I have the ability to make a person feel like they're the only person in the world. What makes that such a bad thing? Why shouldn't everyone feel that special at least once in their lives? Just because you are important to me in the moment(s) that we share together doesn't mean that I'm planning a wedding or that I suddenly have this delusion of happily ever after (by the way, I dont believe in "happily ever after" .. happy endings are just stories that haven't finished yet) ... it means, in all it's simplicity, that you're special and you should feel special, if only for the short time that I can do that for you.

I suddenly want to change. I want to treat men like shit because that's what it seems to take to make them want to hang around long enough to get to know the real me. Not the me that they want me to be. Not the me that watches sports because he does. Not the me who eats red meat because he does. Not the me who doesn’t spend enough time with my kids because it seems he wants me around. But the me who loves the Dave Matthews Band .. the me who loves to dance in front of the fireplace .. the me who loves to spend time on the computer learning new things ... the me who loves to sing at the top of my lungs when I thinks no one is listening .. the me who is so complacent and placid  that “whatever you want to do” really does mean “whatever you want to do” … the me who dies a little when someone important leaves my life. The me who feels that everyone in my life is important enough ...

But ... dont fret, dear friend ... Even though I let the people of my past change me in more ways than I care to admit … that is one thing I will not let them change. You are more important to me than that. You are enough for me ...  always <3

 

 

Karma is an awesome thing! If I know anything it’s that good things happen to good people. I know you’re thinking the same thing I always do ... “WHEN?!?!?” ... but believe me … it’s there! Now I might not believe in God (per se) but I do believe that there is a higher power. I also believe nothing determines your fate but you. I believe in destiny but whatever higher power there is, created us in such a way that we have control over our own lives. Destiny gives us the paths to take. We must make the choice on which path to choose and once we take it, there is no turning back or changing the form of the path. That’s not to say that there won’t be turn offs somewhere down the road. Opportunities to choose a new road or stay on the one we’re on. Almost like a freeway, they’re all over the place. Sometimes you might get lost, but there is always another way to get there. But no matter which road you travel, each path ends somewhere. What I have learned (in all my many years) is that you can only go on ... live each day as if it was your last because whichever path you choose very well could be the one that ends without an off ramp.

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Breed 77 - Karma

10 years ago we vowed to love each other forever. That is the last promise that I made and the last one that I will keep forever. I told you that I wouldn’t ask questions. You told me that I wouldn’t like the answers if I did. I have a million questions that will go unanswered once again and I don’t know what to do with them. I’m having such a hard time understanding how you can tell me that you think about us, that you want to grow old with me, that you want to share your life with me, that you’re afraid I will hurt you intentionally because of the past, that you wouldn’t ask me to move out there unless you were sure that we were going to try to make a life together, that you think of me, that you want to spend the rest of your life making up for the pain, that you dream of me, that you love me (and mean it, because I know that you meant it) … and then tell me that you don’t want to see me anymore. I don’t understand how you can look me right in the eye and tell me you love me and then turn around and let me go, again!! But most of all … for the life of me, I cannot grasp why, after letting you rip my heart out three times already, I’m here again!! Right back where I started … with my heart in a million pieces. I begged you not to do this to me again … I made it clear the power that you hold over me … my heart can’t take this … my soul can’t survive this again. When we met, you touched me in a way that no man has ever touched me. I felt it the moment we met. I still feel it when I see you … I feel it when you hold me. I feel it when you kiss me. I feel it when you tell me you love me. When you leave, I can’t breath. When you take away your love, I can’t love. When I lose you, I lose who I am … you gave me a glimpse of the real me and for a brief moment I could feel that love again. Please, please give me back my heart and help me understand!!

It starts with a subtle email or an innocent phone call … at what point is enough is enough? I choose to take another chance. I decide to take another shot. And, it’s me that takes the fall. Even with all the empty promises and broken dreams … ultimately, it is my fault every time. Something about us seems so natural and complete, like we were always meant to be together and nothing could ever change the way we feel. Maybe it’s the way we knew what the other person was thinking. Maybe it’s how our moods and emotions complemented each other so well. Or maybe it’s that we dream the same dreams and share the same values … Whatever it is, it means I love you. Then, now, and always. There was a time when we shared everything, when I was your wife, when we shared our lives, when we shared our dreams, when we shared our hearts. We were best friends, do you remember when? There was once so much love and so much passion in every moment that we shared together. The memories of those moments will last me a lifetime of lifetimes. You’re still on my mind and in my soul every single moment of every single breath. I can’t seem to let go, can’t seem to move on but it’s time I try. You will forever be in my heart and the memories we shared etched in my soul. You will forever be the man in my dreams. kendra 112207

Too often I feel so alone ... I see people on the street, at the market, in the mall. They seem so in love and I think to myself "What happened to you?" There was a time, not so long ago, that my heart wasn't my own. I gave it to the man in my dreams and he never gave it back. When he left, he took it with him and I haven't felt the same since. I sit here, with this feeling of complete emptiness and it's not because I'm not loved, I feel love all around me every single day. It's not because I don't love, I love everyone. It's not because I'm alone, it seems like I can never get enough alone time. It's because I'm not me. I miss who I was all those years ago before he took my heart. I miss who I know I can be if only he'd give it back. The other day, he showed me a glimpse of who I used to be. Gave me hope for a life more fulfilling. But then, well then he took it away again. If the memories of who I was isn’t who I am supposed to be … then who am I? kendra 110407

If I could describe my heart it would be like a fragile candle, broken, but never beyond repair. Like a candle, it can be remolded. There may be some pieces missing, and over time, may seem smaller, but in the grand scheme of things, is anyone really whole? I was complete once, for a little while. My heart was whole, things weren’t perfect, but life was good. When that was taken away from me, I thought that I would never recover. Maybe I haven’t fully recovered but I am on the right track. Everyday I think about the way things are with us. I think about how good things used to be, and how wrong everything has become. I wonder why we continue to put ourselves through this, day after day. I see myself lately as someone who just goes through life without the passions that once carried me through the days. I see myself as someone who’s settled because it seems like the right thing to do. I ask myself, every day, “What kind of way is this to live?” I wonder am I being selfish, why can’t I just accept the way that things have become and work with it instead of against it? If there is so much love in my life, why is my heart so empty, why am I so unhappy? As long as I stay, I will wonder, every day, what is wrong with me. Why can’t I just go with the flow, move with the groove. The answers are there, within me, but without the passions that once belonged to me, they will continue to go unsaid. Whenever I ask, whenever I wonder, I get a lump in my throat because deep down, I know that things have become irreversible, unreasonable, and unnatural. I remember hearing “Everyone changes” but I thought that meant subtly. The drastic changes that have occurred in you have made me change in a way that is not becoming or representing of who I really am. I’ve lost me. I am no longer the person you fell in love with and can not imagine anyone loving the person that I’ve become. If I met me as I was a year ago and the me of today, I would never believe that I am the same person. Where am I? Who am I? Where do I find me if not within my own happiness and with the help of my passions? I may never comprehend why things can’t be the way they should be, but I do know that I can’t go on this way. I’m tired of talking. Nothing improves, nothing helps, nothing changes. The guilt that I will carry with me for letting go of someone that truly love me will subside once I realize that if I was truly loved, I wouldn’t be in this misery. I would be in a relationship that has passion to carry it through. I would be in a relationship where I am as important to him as he is to me. I would be me.