A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
"Excuse me Miss, day ye harv eni books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses,
and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"
************ ********* ****
This is the story of Cinderella and her Sugly Isters
Cinders and her Sugly Isters lived in a Marge Lansion.
Cinders worked very hard. Frubbing Scloors, Weaning Clindows, Emptying Poss Pits and Shiveeling Shut!
By the end of the day she was Nuckin' Fackered. Her Sugly Isters were fight Cucking Runts !
They did no Wucking Ferk, and had no Wucking Furries. They were right Bugly Astards.
One was called Mary Hinge and the other was called Betty Swollocks. They were always Pucking Fissed. The two Sugly Isters had tickets to go to the Ball. Cinderella was Ducking Fisgusted when the Cotton Runts would not let her go.
Buttons worked with Cinders. He was gifted with Nuge Hackers and a Shairy Hithole.
He was also a Candy Runt, and liked Cinders to give him a Wood Gank!
He was always diving into Cinders' Hubic Pairs.
Suddenly there was a Bucking Fang, and the Gairy Fodmother appeared! Her real name was Sheery Tighthouse. She was a Light Rucking Fesbian with a Carge Lairy Hunt and Tairy
Hits. She turned a Pumpkin and six Might Wice into a Hucking Cuge Farriage, and six Dandy Ronkeys with Buge Hollocks.
Cinders was amazed. "Miste all Crucking Fighty!" she said.
The Gairy Fodmother said Cinders must be back by 12 O'clock or there would be a Cucking Falamity!
At the Ball, Cinders was dancing with the Pransome Hince. The music was being played by a band called Sid Smeg and the Siffling Seven. They were Gucking Food, but Foo Nucking Toisy.
It was that Drucking Fummer - what a Rucking Facket! The Cabaret was Hucking Fopeless!
When he blew his Trucking Frumpet he was Bucking Frilliant. But he was a Hig Beaded Banky Wastard and we wish he would stick his Trumpet right up his Ucking Farsehole.
Suddenly the clock struck Twelve. Cinders Pucking Fanicked and ran out of the Ballroom, Tripping Barse over Ollocks, and dropping her Slass Glipper.
The next day the Pransome Hince came knocking on Cinders' door. The Sugly Isters let him in, and Betty Swollocks lifted her leg and Let off a Fig Bart!
"Who's Fust Jarted ?" said the Pransome Hince.
"Blame that Forrible Hucker over there", said Buttons.
The Shell of Smit was Tucking Ferrible. When the stinking brown cloud lifted, the Pransome Hince tried the Slass Glipper on the Sugly Isters without success! They had horrible Fetty Sweet and Fetty Swannys.
Suddenly Mary Hinge, in her Tucking Femper gave the Prince a Nick in the Kackers!
This was not difficult as he had Bucking Fuge Halls and a Hig Bard-on!
He tried Cinders, and the Flipper Sitted Pucking Ferfectly.
"Puck my siles", said the Prince.
"Suck your own", said Buttons.
Soon Pinders and the Crince were married. He ended his days in Lucking Fuxury. She ended hers with a Follen Swanny.
And they all lived Happily Ever After.
********************************************
One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they
didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist
there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later,
the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help
again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked
for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a
gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right
now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at
the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if
that
gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the
whole house!!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* *
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came
up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said
two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought
he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll
just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love
the third one as if it's your own."
*********************************************
It was Friday evening and having just been paid, Seamus and Murphy were trying to decide where to go that night.
"I know" said Murphy, "There's a great club in town we ought to try"
"What's it like?" asked Seamus.
"Well, you go into the club, up to the bar where they give you a free drink. Then you go upstairs for a shag. Then you go back to the bar and have another free drink.
After twenty minutes you go upstairs for another shag. After this you go to the bar again and have another free drink and then go upstairs again and have another shag! After this you go downstairs,
have a final drink and leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid and you go home."
"Christ!" said Seamus, "That sounds great. Have you been
before?" "No," said Murphy, "but my sister has!".
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