Over 16,525,262 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
1)
Certainly, destroying an opponent quickly is a sound tactic. But if you want to hurt them and go on hurting them, even if you yourself are no longer there to do it? Then do this:
Take something precious to them, and give it back broken. Make them live each day with the knowledge that it can never be the same as it was, with the proof in their own hands. Let them spend their efforts to fix what is broken, only to constantly fail, even if they come very close. Let them, in their deepening frustration, finish the destruction of what they once saw as ideal, and forever change themselves in the process....
People know the most efficient ways to hurt themselves, make them do the work for you.
2)
Many do evil to prove themselves free from the boundaries of society's morals. This is foolish. Ruthlessness and cruelty have their uses, of course. But the most dangerous warrior of all should be perceived by his most honorable opponents as decent and kind.... This is far from being decent and kind, of course! However, the most unnerving thing that one can do to one's enemies who fight you on moral grounds is to be noble.
3)
A warrior never should show weakness to one's enemies. One can do this by covering his weaknesses with inhumanity. A person that becomes more than a flesh and blood being and transcends to a mythological horror is not something that an opponent will face rationally. Enemies will overplot themselves and reveal their presence or make mistakes in combat. Make your enemies show you how vulnerable they are.
4)
The concept of peace is a lie. Any warrior knows this.... "Order" on the other hand is something that can be enforced. Order is obedience to the law. Civilization thrives when there is order. Human advancement and evolution rise forward through its existence. Order can only be enforced through deference to a superior authority. This can only be maintained through fear.
5)
A warrior should not be afraid to use whatever weapons he possesses. Deception, intimidation and sheer brute force are all methods that provide easier and faster objects to achieving most goals than use of diplomacy or negotiation. Efficiency should be a warrior's first priority, not "manners".
6)
A warrior must remember to avoid the trap that many great warriors fall into. Do not fool yourself with images of the honor and nobility of combat. One should appear incredibly strong and fearless to one's foes, but the only thing in the end that matters is victory.... Simply "victory".
There is no "Good" or "Evil", there is only "Strength" and "Weakness", the predator and the prey.... Choose which you are.
7)
To understand one's emotion, to comprehend the source and the reason, the WHY of one's emotions is to control it.
Unlike most people who prefer to keep things at a careful medium? The successful warrior know that when you control something you can also unleash it upon your foes. It is from that control that our strength stems. Rather than becoming a savage, raging berserker, one learns to control our anger and hatred. We unleash it when our intuition tells us the time is right, and we put the leash back on when it is no longer necessary....
That is what sets a true warrior apart from the fools who rage at every minor inconvenience. The ability to harness and use one's own emotions properly to achieve results.
8)
Power should be wielded like a storm. Others have said this time and again, but as is often the case? They miss the truth of such words.... A fool seeks to match the storm's fury, its destructive ferocity. This is most certainly the goal, but they do so in the manner of a cloudburst. Fools dwell over others and throw all manner of destruction very quickly in a reflection of the directionless anger inside them. They can never build themselves to be more. And like such storms, they quickly dissipate.
A warrior should emulate the STRUCTURE of the most powerful storms. From this, power will flow as a natural consequence. Make yourself the core, and keep your fury at arm's length. Give it direction, focus it, refine it, and make it into a devastating force that you cast about you.... Hurricanes do not wait in one place and fall upon those who are too stupid to move.
As with these great storms, one must move and cut a path upon the very face of the land. Make those you oppose remember your fury even when the sun shines bright.
9)
Emotion is what fuels a warrior, it is the driving force of life. Fools deny their emotions, and that is why so many of them have died at my hand.... So many beings bury a part of themselves in the back of their minds. This part is their secret desires and thoughts that they try to deny. Some psychologists call this part of the mind "The Shadow."
The Shadow is the true self. It is the part of the darkness that touches us all, even beings who actively deny themselves. But even those who deny their own evil may still turn to it.... And that is why the darkness is greater, for the darkness welcomes all.
10)
There is only one truth: What you will to be.
There is only one law: What you will to do.
There is only one power: What you will to become.
...All else is self-delusion and folly.
Can you fill this out without lying?
Of course. If I don't want to answer, I don't lie. I just refuse to answer.
Whats the last thing you put in your mouth?
Mountain Dew
Where was your default picture taken?
The one right now? Self-portrait in the restroom morphing into Superman
Last time you cried?
[ I refuse to answer this question. ]
Can you play a musical instrument?
Yes, guitar. The real question is "Can I play it WELL?" ...No, I can't.
Last time you walked further than a block?
I jog 2 miles as part of my workout regimen.
Name someone that made you laugh today?
I have not laughed today.... How odd.
How late did you stay up last night and why?
3:30 AM, chronic insomniac.
If you could move somewhere else, would you?
In a heartbeat. There is one place in particular I would go right now, given the funding to do it.
Ever been kissed under fireworks?
No. I get jumpy around fireworks. (PTSD is a bitch sometimes!)
Do you believe exes can be friends?
It is possible, but unlikely most of the time.
Do you like calling or texting better?
I text a lot, unless I have a need to converse with others.
How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper?
The same way I do about any "diet" soda.... Repulsed.
What time is it?
2151 hrs, CDT
Where are you at right now?
In front of my computer, genius!
What bed did you sleep in last night?
My own, unfortunately.
What was the last thing someone bought for you?
My parents bought me dinner tonight? Pretty cool of them.
Who took your profile picture?
Myself.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
My daughter.
Was yesterday better than today?
Same shit, different day.
Can you live a day without TV?
I do not care for what passes for "entertainment". So yes, easily.
Are you mad about anything?
Constantly. My rage is what gives me strength.
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes, always.... But only one is truly worth it.
When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
January 22nd. One of the worst days of my life.
Are you a bad influence?
Yes! Take note: I am NOT a fucking role model. Emulate or follow me at your own risk!
Night out or night in?
Night in, with the right person.
Are you more of an individual or an outgoing person?
Individual. I live by my rules and no one else's.
What items could you not go without during the day?
Knife and/or gun. Cell phone. Cigarettes. Coffee.
Would you share a drink with a stranger?
No. Sorry, but my OCD about germs would insist they kept it.
Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?
Yes. Mine was, and I am considering doing it again.
Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
Sorry, but I don't live in the ghetto.
What does the last text message in your inbox say?
Not sure and I am not in the mood to look.
How do you feel about your life right now?
It sucks, but I am taking steps to improve it.
Do you hate anyone?
Yes. More people than it is probably healthy to hate, honestly.
If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
My fist in your eye for snooping through my things!
Will you have a valentine this year?
Yes.
Last person you talked to on the phone?
Mind your own fucking business.
How's your heart?
Red, muscular, beating.
Say you were given a drug test right now, Would you pass?
More than likely.
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Yes. Though I questioned their sanity!
What song is stuck in your head?
"Diamond Eyes" by Shinedown
Wanna have kids before you’re 30?:
Too late on both counts. (Who writes this shit?!)
Name something you have to do tomorrow?:
The list goes on and on!
Can you whistle?
Yes.
Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
My back. I used to sleep on my side if I had someone to curl up to.
What gets in your way of your sleeping?
Nightmares.
Are your eyes the same color as your mom or dad?
Mom's. But I have been told that my eyes "change" according to my mood.
Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
"Pretty?" ....No. But there is someone who likes them a lot.
Do you think too much or too little?
FAR too much. I analyze everything.
Do you smile a lot?:
Until recently, never. Now? On rare occasion.
Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
My ex-wife. (Yes, I used the "Hater Button".)
Are you happy with your life?
It beats being dead! ...Not yet, but I will be soon.
Can you handle the truth?
Yes. Even if the truth hurts, tell me. I despise being lied to.
Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?
Hahahahahahaha...... Not even close!
What was the last book you read?
"The Satanic Bible" by Anton LaVey.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?:
I am not certain who that was, at this point.
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Logging on.
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Mind your own fucking business.
Did you have an exciting last weekend?
Depends if you consider chasing children exciting or frustrating!
Have you ever crawled through a window?:
Many times.
Do you like yourself?
I'd say I am "at peace" with myself.
Are you wearing a necklace?:
I wear my dog tags.
What color is your shirt?
Black.
Are you an emotional person?:
Are rage and contempt emotions? ...Actually, I am. But VERY few ever see it.
What something that can always make you feel better?
Watching MMA fights.
Will this weekend be a good one?
With any luck.
What do you want right now?
The ability to turn my life into what I envision in my mind.
Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Fuck you! It was ONE time and I lost a bet, okay?! *growl*
Look behind you, what do you see?
The back of my chair, you dumbass!
Have you ever worked in a food place?
Yes, and I will never do it again!
What would you name your future daughter?
I won't have any more biological children.
Any summer plans for 2012?
Quite a few. But those are MY secrets to keep.
The last thing you heard?
Nothing. It is silent except the typing of my hands.
I don’t believe in evolution.
I can hear what you are thinking: "Is he an idiot or something? He still doesn’t believe in evolution?!"
But here’s the thing: evolution is a scientific theory, same as the theory of gravity, germ theory, cell theory, quantum theory, theory of relativity and many others.
Unlike religion, science doesn’t work with "beliefs". You take the facts supporting the theory and compare those with facts that do not support the theory. Then you decide if the theory is correct or perhaps you should improve the theory, choose an alternate theory or scrap the whole thing altogether.
And the theory of evolution has literally hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of scientifically validated observations and experiments supporting it. You have scientific articles, monographs, experiments (yes, there are MANY experiments on evolution), observations and so forth.
And now we take the facts not supporting or invalidating the theory of evolution…. Oh, wait. There aren’t any.
There is not a single observation or experiment that invalidates evolution. No fossil rabbits in Pre-Cambrian strata. No human footprints next to dinosaur footprints. No genetic data showing the synchronized bottleneck of Noah’s ark in all of the animal species. No radioactive dating results or anything else disproving the Cambrian explosion.
There simply is nothing.... Or, like Richard Dawkins put it, “Today the theory of evolution is about as much open to doubt as the theory that the earth goes round the sun”.
So, I don’t believe in evolution. But I also don’t believe in the chair I’m sitting on right now. I can prove the latter exists by an series of empirical observations (looking and touching it) and testing (I sit down. If didn’t fall on the floor, the chair probably exists).
Evolution has been proven. And it does not require "belief".
Occasionally, I like to go to the movies. Friends or family will see a trailer for something and I decide to go see a movie as well. Movies are great, but the people who attend movies frequently are not. On this particular occasion, I decided to strike back in the name of "Justice" for all people who have ever been annoyed, slighted and/or screwed out of the cost of a ticket because of one of "those people".
My sister-in-law sat down next to me at the theater and the movie was about to begin. "What's that smell?" she asked, "It smells like pee."
Unflinching, her husband (my brother) responded: "It's clam chowder."
Sure enough, sitting one row back and three seats to our left was a woman holding a large to-go order of clam chowder which she'd snuck into the theater. Surprisingly, clam chowder smells very similar to urine when you don't know where the source is. It's like the asparagus of soups.
The woman herself looked like a water buffalo in a sweatshirt. She had broad shoulders and a stern, oppressive brow. Her twinkling eyes were fixed straight ahead in the dim theater light, but her powerful bovine jaw moved rapidly to break down the large spoonfuls of chowder which she rhythmically pounded into her mouth. This massive animal did not simply eat clam chowder, she grazed on it.
As if this were not bad enough? Twenty minutes into the film, I heard her. She was talking...to the screen! This disgusting ham-beast was narrating her thoughts and feelings, as well as answering rhetorical questions asked by the characters. "What will we do? There's no time!" asked the main character. "I dun' know! You be so screwed!" she belched in anguish, as if the actors in the movie could actually hear her clam-scented reply.... Dear god, had this foul beast no sense of restraint or dignity within her massive frame?
Fifteen minutes from the end of the movie, the huge climax and finale, and the water buffalo was STILL talking. I'd endured her for nearly two hours, and what was a mild irritation had transformed into a boiling, volcanic rage. I don't know how my popcorn tasted, and I can't remember who was sitting near me. As far as what was happening on the screen, it's a complete blank. My surroundings had become completely blind to me.
All I remember is pure, unfiltered hatred.... I was Ghenghis Khan. I was genocide. Stars collapsed under the weight of my fury, and when I opened my eyes all I saw was the heads of ten thousand water buffalo on bloody pikes peppering the horizon from Los Angeles to New York City.... I had become Death, the destroyer of worlds.
So, without further concern for myself or the poor witnesses who shall recall this night for the rest of their days? I turned around and unleashed my seething rage.... "SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! YOU HAVE TALKED THROUGH THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE! JUST SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE-HOLE!!!"
...To which this disgusting and odious beast replied, "NUH-UH! YOU SHUT UP!"
My memory beyond this point is a bit hazy. I remember throwing my half-consumed 64-ounce cup of Mountain Dew at her. I remember screaming the most vile, obscene and graphically violent obscenities at her that I could muster! I remember a couple sitting behind me telling me that I was now more disruptive than the water buffalo had ever been and replying to them, "YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING WHORE MOUTH!". The rest is a bit of a blur, to be honest.....
I remember walking down the aisle after the movie had ended and hearing another moviegoer say "Where's the guy that went psycho?" I also remember the water buffalo quietly shuffling out of the theater afterwards. I think clam chowder and anonymity in the darkness were the sources of her strength. Without them, she was a meek, fearful creature simply trying to escape.
Did I "go psycho?" I think that's a rather uncreative way of putting it, to be perfectly honest.... I like to think of myself as a warrior. Sure, I embarrassed myself and made the situation a lot worse for everyone than it had to be. But through my rage-induced outburst, the buffalo was slain.
So... "Fuck you, ham-beast!", I'm a warrior of righteousness and justice and you are an filthy buffalo whichs eats seafood from a giant bucket.
Murphys Law of Combat Operations:
1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman. (Marines and fighter pilots, please take note.)
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. When the area seems clear? It's an ambush .
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. (For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.)
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection-ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios that are water-, dust- and impact-proof? They aren't.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather (Especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracer rounds work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, it means the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air Defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. "Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go".
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: Reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts - aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math: 2 beers x 37 men = 49 cases.
89. Body Count Math: 3 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the cleanliness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. When you need an rapid evac from a hot LZ, the closest copter is 45 minutes away.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
118. Your R&R time will be cut short do to "operational needs".
119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
121. If you need an officer in a hurry? Take a nap.
122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
123. The enemy's reinforcements are always closer than yours.
124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order")
127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he has fallen back too far.
129. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
130. Anyone can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
131. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
132. If you find yourself in front of your platoon? They know something you don't.
133. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is also inversely proportional from a medic.
134. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
135. When the pin is pulled, "Mr. Grenade" is no longer your friend.
136. When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be too long.
137. Smart bombs have bad days too.
138. Unpacking and assembly instructions are always inside the crate.
139. If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
140. If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea.
141. All or any of the Murphys Laws above combined.
(In an effort to help men, bisexual women and/or lesbians everywhere, I have compiled a list of picture types to avoid when posted as the primary photo on a woman's profile. I hope it helps people make better informed decisions)
PHOTO STYLE: Blurry
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Artistic
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Fat and/or covered in acne.
PHOTO STYLE: Up-close, dark photo
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Dark, enigmatic, deep
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Fat and/or hideous. Possibly an emo as well.
PHOTO STYLE: Extreme Angle
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Trendy, eccentric.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Ugly, perhaps the only picture of them in existence that hides that.
PHOTO STYLE: Extreme-Angled Boob Shot
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Sexy, naughty, desirable.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Fat and hiding their spare tire beneath their boobs. (By the way? We aren't fooled.)
PHOTO STYLE: Subtle Photo of "The Goods"
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Cute, fun, maybe naughty but not obvious.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Loves the cock, will give it up easily with a little flattery.
PHOTO STYLE: Obvious Photo of "The Goods"
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Sexy, hot, beautiful, etc.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Will make your life a living Hell to get some ass.
PHOTO STYLE: Extreme Close-up of any body part (minus the eyes)
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Sexy, hot, beautiful, etc.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Not their picture. Possibly fat, ugly, disfigured, etc
PHOTO STYLE: Only their eyes
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Deep, enigmatic.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Fat and/or the only reasonably attractive body part on them.
PHOTO STYLE: Person in a nice car
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: They have a nice car and a lot of money.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Likes nice cars and people who can afford them, (gold-digger). Probably drives a piece of shit.
PHOTO STYLE: Someone holding booze or drug paraphenalia
WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK: Fun, likes to party.
WHAT IT REALLY MEANS: Alcoholic and/or addict. When drunk will have sex with anything with a heart beat.
So, if you're anything like me? You absolutely HATE inconsiderate, rude or careless drivers. Well, fear not, my Dear Reader! I have just the trick to take care of the idiot behind you!
1. Get the Following items from your local Wal-Mart.
A water baby. (Located in the girls' toy aisle) It is a regular-looking baby doll with a hollow body that is supposed to be filled with warm water to make the doll soft and squishy like a real baby, minus the bones and organs.
Three jars of strawberry preserves. (It has to be preserves. Jams and jellies do not work as well.)
A funnel from the automotive section.
2. Fill the water baby with the strawberry preserves using the funnel. Make sure to get as much into the doll as possible until it is almost ready to rupture. Dress the doll with the clothes it came packaged with, then place the doll in your car.
3. The next time some idiot is riding your ass in traffic? Roll down the window and throw said baby doll at their windshield. They will see a jiggly baby flying at them and explode into a mass of bright red gore all over their car!
4. Either they will get in a wreck and kill themself or they will slam the brakes, see a (supposedly) dead baby splattered all over their car and be traumatized for life. Either way? I guarantee they they will NEVER tail-gate another person again!
So, I was going through some of my papers and found copies of several documents I was sent while I was in the U.S. Army. Looking back, I realize how amusing it is AND how stupid I was!
So, of course? I decided to post it.
A list of things that the Sergeant is not allowed to do.
1) The SGT is not allowed to end After-Action Reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
1.1) ADDENDUM: Or "In accordance with the prophecy".
2) The SGT is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of "Public Relations", a doctor of psychology, a member of the Illuminati, made out of "bacon and pure fucking willpower", in possession of a IQ over 300, Head of "Female Recruit Review", or a member of "The League of Shadows".
3) The SGT is no longer allowed to make up his own cadence for morning physical training.
4) The SGT is not from an alternate timeline.
4.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT cannot override orders to "preserve the timeline".
5) The SGT is not allowed to challenge anyone to a duel.
6) Chainsaws are not the solution to every question.
6.1) ADDENDUM: Nor is "More Chainsaws".
6.2) ADDENDUM: Or "Chainsaw cannons" or "guns that fire chainsaws".
7) The SGT is not allowed to administer spankings to soldiers as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken.
8) The SGT is to stop posting classified information on the internet immediately.
8.1) ADDENDUM: Attempting to get around this restriction by using anonymous message boards is explicitly frowned upon.
9) If the SGT has to ask, it's above his clearance level.
10) The SGT is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
11) The SGT is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to himself as such. Especially on official documents.
12) The SGT is advised that the video known as "2girls1cup" is not an appropriate screen saver to be applied to all work stations.
12.1) ADDENDUM: Or ANY work station, for that matter.
13) "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
14) Any requisition which includes the phrases "Metric Fuck-Load", "Shit-Ton", "A Science Experiment" or any combination of those phrases will be automatically denied.
15) A full minute of stunned silence means "My God, what did you do?", not "Please continue."
16) The SGT is not allowed to prescribe any medication to other staff members.
16.1) ADDENDUM: In light of "The Laxative Incident", the SGT is not allowed to prescribe homeopathic or alternative therapies either.
17) The SGT is NOT allowed to use this document as a check list.
18) The SGT is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem.
19) Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that female soldiers are ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of their breasts to the SGT.
20) The SGT is no longer allowed near any photocopier.
20.1) ADDENDUM: Or fax machine.
21) No matter how many times he may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, and no matter how many gadgets he may construct, the SGT is not a ninja, nor has he ever been.
22) While humor can be an effective way to improve staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make "Your mom" jokes to superior officers.
23) The SGT is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
A) Your soul
B) Anyone else's soul
C) Virgin's blood
D) Reproductive organs
E) The island of Manhattan
F) Firstborn children
G) Red-headed stepchildren
H) Virginity
I) Oral virginity
J) Anal Virginity
K) Anyone's sister
24) The SGT is not allowed to be in possession of pure Capsaicin for ANY reason.
25) No matter how much it might "improve morale" among fellow soldiers, the SGT is prohibited from distributing pornography in public areas.
25.1) ADDENDUM: Nor is the SGT allowed to paste images of said pornography in offices, hallways, closets, bathroom stalls or other common areas when he doesn't get his way.
26) The SGT is not "Commander of Fucking Shit Up". No such rank exists in the Army.
27) The SGT is not allowed to give people parking tickets.
28) Following the events of last Saturday, the SGT is not allowed access to the PA system to "Rick-roll" the base.
28.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever.
29) The SGT is not licensed to administer "sexual healing".
30) "Because it was funny as Hell" is not a valid excuse for any sort of detonation.
31) The SGT is no longer allowed to engage in any activity involving any amount of "Super-Balls".
31.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is not permitted to convince, blackmail, or compel other soldiers into conducting such activities for him.
32) "Challenge Accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything.
33) The SGT is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu more than two hours in advance.
33.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu at all. Nor is the SGT to get anyone else to access it for him, directly or indirectly.
34) Any proposed battle plans that include the phrase "Giant Robot" will be automatically rejected.
35) Excessive force is not the same as "The Force". Therefore, using it does not make the SGT a Jedi Knight.
35.1) ADDENDUM: Or a Sith Lord.
36) The SGT is forbidden from attempting to keep any weapons, explosive material or vehicles seized from enemy forces.
36.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is reminded that "Possession is nine-tenths of the law" is not a valid exception to the above.
37) Telling other soldiers that you can tame guard dogs with "a rolled-up newspaper and a tummy rub" is strictly prohibited.
38) The SGT is not the "King" of anywhere.
38.1) ADDENDUM: Or any other title of royalty.
39) M84 stun grenades (also known as "flashbangs") are not toys and will not be used for recreational purposes.
40) The SGT is NOT authorized to give the command "Strip" to any soldiers, particularly female soldiers.
41) The SGT is to refrain from engaging personnel from other branches of the military in fistfights.
41.1) "The fuckers had it coming" is not a valid reason for an exception.
42) The SGT may not use any form of the word "accident" as an excuse.
43) The SGT may not violate the dress code at any time. The Army does not recognize "Casual Fridays".
44) If a posted warning says not to do something, it is not because we want to "control your mind".
44.1) ADDENDUM: Yes, it is because we want to control your mind.
44.2) ADDENDUM: No, it is not, and the SGT may not edit this document.
45) Taking civilian contractors to a strip club or brothel shall be grounds for discipline.
46) The SGT is not allowed to impersonate any major political figures.
47) "For shits and giggles" is not an acceptable reason to violate operational security.
48) The SGT is prohibited from applying for medals or commendations based on his extra-curricular activities.
48.1) ADDENDUM: This included the Purple Heart.
48.2) ADDENDUM: This also includes petitioning U.S. Senators for the Congressional Medal of Honor.
49) The SGT is no longer allowed to requisition automatic weapons or explosives without the explicit consent of his commanding officer.
49.1) ADDENDUM: Discharging automatic weapons or detonation of explosive materials in an unauthorized area is grounds for court-martial. (This is your last warning, SGT.)
50) Pending the outcome of a 3-car traffic collision, the SGT is not allowed to take Humvees out on joyrides.
51) The SGT is not allowed to drive tracked vehicles from armor divisions, regardless of his perceived ability to do so.
52) Under no circumstances will the SGT misappropriate his commanding officer's personal vehicle.
52.1) ADDENDUM: No, SGT. Not even if the liquor store closes in 20 minutes.
53) The SGT is prohibited from using U.S. Army purchasing cards, expense accounts, or other government funds to purchase "pizza and beer" for the unit.
54) The female recruits' shower room is NOT a "strategic ambush position". Nothing in there has any legitimate strategic value, SGT.
54.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is not to explain his definition of "strategic value" ever again.
55.) There are no "Top Secret" experiments authorizing anyone to give the SGT any manner of fissable nuclear material. The SGT would only use it for evil.
56) When writing a report, more detail is expected than "Went in. Killed bad guys and blew a bunch of shit up. Left."
56.1) ADDENDUM: Inventing new security clearances just so nobody can see what you've written is also unacceptable.
57) "My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse.
58) Covering yourself with a sheet, hiding behind a curtain in the infirmary at night, and jumping out yelling “OOGA BOOGA BOOGA” is never appropriate.
58.1) ADDENDUM: Nor is laughing hysterically for over an hour at the poor medic you scared, who threw his chair through the window before running out and calling the MP's.
59) Placing live animals in an officer's quarters as a prank is NOT allowed. Nor is it funny.
60) Just because "it worked in a movie" does not mean it works in real-life.
61) A "wicked bad hangover" does not excuse the SGT from a road march.
62) The SGT is no longer allowed to have Alka-Seltzer tablets or any similar medications anywhere on his person while on duty.
62.1) ADDENDUM: Foaming at the mouth and faking a seizure are NOT acceptable ways to avoid kitchen duty, SGT.
63) The SGT is prohibited from striking any person in the groin for any reason, except during an actual combat situation.
63.1) ADDENDUM: No, SGT... "Rochambeau" is NOT an acceptable way to resolve disputes.
64) Use of vehicle-mounted radios is restricted to official communication only. It is not a forum for broadcasting your opinions of policies and procedures.
65) Vehicles-mounted radios are not to be tuned to emergency bands and used to taunt Military Police.
65.1) ADDENDUM: Turning off the radio to escape detection and capture by MP's is not only prohibited, but is also "poor sportsmanship".
65.2) ADDENDUM: So is filing a complaint for "police brutality" when detained by said MP's.
66) Injuries sustained during violation of Army policies and procedures do not excuse the SGT from his daily duties.
66.1) ADDENDUM: SGT will cease jumping from structures at night screaming "I am Batman!" immediately.
67) "Because it sounded like fun at the time" is not a valid excuse for violating the speed limit on base.
68) When deployed, the SGT will remember that we are guests in a foreign country and conduct himself accordingly.
68.1) ADDENDUM: The SGT is hereby prohibited from establishing a "harem", "entourage", "concubines" or any similar positions among the female residents of said country.
69) No unauthorized persons will be present after 2200 hrs in the SGT's quarters. Nor will said persons be permitted to accompany the SGT on combat patrols, troop movements or mission briefings.
69.1) ADDENDUM: No, the excuse "But she's a certified hottie" is not a valid reason.
70) The SGT is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints and in an enclosed structure. Any resulting mess from this policy being violated will be cleaned at the expense of the SGT.
Someone asked me a question recently, and it caused me to think a lot. So, in typical fashion, I am posting the answers I have found here....
The question: "What do you think makes someone deserving of death? And what gives you the right to be the one who kills another?"
The answer: I believe that if someone does more bad then good, then they deserve to die.
A person who is a chronic threat to the basic mechanics of society must be removed from the population in order to provide for the safety and security of the people. When I look at death as a punishment, I don't look at the past. Vengeance is a child-like concept; killing one person for killing another just gives you two dead people. One of those people had a chance to change.
Sometimes killing such an individual is the only way to accomplish this. If someone does more bad than good, presuming it can be measured relative to the worth of a human life, then the person should simply have a debt of humanity that needs to be repaid.
I would deliver death for someone who has done more harm than they can ever reasonably be expected to do good during their life expectancy. One life lost is simple to replace; save one life for free.
With this standard of doing more good than harm in an entire projected lifetime, there would also be the question of recidivism (repeat offenses, for clarity's sake) added in.
In regards to what makes me qualified to deliver death? The answer is far simpler.... Few people have the lack of empathy or conscience to actually take a life. It is not uncommon for a person to become nauseated or even vomit after killing for the first time. Many who have taken lives have nightmares, flashbacks, or even PTSD following the act.
Even fewer have the skills necessary to carry out such a sentence effectively. Certainly, many people are capable of killing another human. But the methods used are clumsy, there is no planning or forethought, and the chance of being caught is virtually guaranteed.
I am uniquely qualified in the respect that I lack even the most basic compassion or kindness for they who would violate another's rights. Through my time in the military and "other professions" which shall not be named here, I have learned a multitude of ways to dispatch people with a minimum of outside involvement.
So, to put it bluntly? I am the best qualified through experience.
That is all I have to say regarding my answer. I feel like I just did someone's homework and my memories are creeping back in to my head. Good night.
Ego sum dominor. Ego sum invictus. Ego sum Lupus.
