What is a friend? For that fact what dose it mean to be a best friend? I'm not one to burden others with my problem but life really sucks and over the last twenty years or so it just keeps dealing me one bad hand after another, each one worse than the one before. They say that God don't give us things we can't handle but dam if my cup don't runnith over already!
I guess my bad luck started about three years ago when I took in a bimbo bitch. In less than six months she made me get rid of my roommate and not long after that she had me arrested for domestic dispute. When I got out of the county jail two and a half months later coz the state drop the charges for lack of evidence she was gone…so was my apartment, my car, twenty thousand dollars of PA gear which I used to make a living with as a sound tech, my pass ports and everything else I owned in the world.
It has not been easy to bounce back; heaven knows I always have before. A very short time after the above fiasco I was diagnose with liver decease, it was pretty serious coz it was in advance stages and it caused me to have to stop working. About this time I found this site and met someone who stepped up to the plate and helped me by driving me to my medical appointments at the VA hospital 3 hours away. I looked on her as my godsend, my savior, and my angel!
About 8 months ago I was diagnosed with kidney decease and so now I need both live and kidney transplants…man, will it ever fucking stop? Anyway she kept helping me coz I don’t have a car anymore. She sat there with me in the transplant coordinators and told her that she was and would be my home caregiver, a requirement for transplant. Two months into trying to meet the rest of the requirements we were at the VA hospital for the psychology evaluation requirement and they needed to meet with both of us…well that day she mentioned that she could not do this any more. Needless to say that blew my opportunity for the transplant. Oh did I mentioned I had three donors willing to donate a kidney to me, which meant I had a very good chance of bypassing the kidney list which is seven years long.
Nowadays I’m on dialysis and it pretty much beats me up three times a week. I called her up at noon asking if she can take me to the VA clinic here to see my doctor as to make arrangements to have this main line access remove from my chest, guess it isn’t happening…she’s got plans, hum, must be a new lunch date or something more important than my health. Looks like I have to wait till March 19 to see my doctor and even then I don’t know how I’ll get there. I refuse to ask her for another favor ever again.
Unfortunately I have chosen to lock the world out today as depression grips my mind. I’m angry because she says I’m her best friend, so much for best friends right? I’m not sure how to proceed at this point. I keep thinking about quality of life, the crap that brought me to this point, and how every day that goes by I deteriorate a little more. I feel like I’m sinking in a sea of quicksand, the ifs and how’s just consume me every minute of every day. I have mixed emotions now, do I really need a friend like that I am just so angry that she would turn her back on me. Oh sure I still the go to guy when she’s depress or hurts, or if she needs a companion for lunch or dinner, seems like I’m only her special friend when she wants my company…a friend with benefits I don’t need!
I’m really tiered of fighting to stay alive, the ultimate alternative looks better every day. But don’t worry I still have a small part of me that tells me not to give up just yet!
