This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest tofind out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over hisfireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fillthem.What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true becauseevery Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, hispoor pantyhose hung sadly empty.One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses andwent in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those thingsat Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuseyourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?''You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to theinflatable doll section.I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could alsosubstitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool laneduring rushhour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many differentmodels. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could dothings I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise cameto life.My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morninghours. Long after Santa20had come and gone, I filled the danglingpantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookiesand drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I wenthome, and giggled for a couple of hours.The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to hishouse and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left thedog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back andbark somemore. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest ofthe family could admire her when they came over for the traditionalChristmas dinner.My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'Whatthe hell is that?' she asked. My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.''Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.I kept my mouth shut.'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her intothe dining room.But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and noone wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang onGranny, and hang on!'My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to meand said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him shewas Jay's friend.A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realizedthis might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made anoise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurchedfrom the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in frontof the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose,and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and beganadministering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in thecar.It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination todecide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise hadsuffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored herto perfect health.I can't wait until next Christmas.
