Bubbles's blog: "Me"

You know, all I wanted to do today was hang out with a friend. I could have been someone I hadn't seen in ages, or it could have been Eric. I didn't care. No one was able to do something, but I had told Eric I wanted to see him today earlier in the week. I still haven't seen anyone today except for my dad. Not that hanging with my dad is a bad thing. I actually get along with my parents lol. But, I missed my friends throughout the last part of my hectic fall semester. During summer I was so used to just going out and having a friend or two come over. Now that the semester is over.. I dunno. I'm really bummed out. And Eric is making planning anything with him so difficult. I finally just sent him a text that said "Whatever you want." I'm so frustrated. I've been sitting and reading a book my friend Meli let me borrow, but even the solace that reading brings me wasn't there because of my mood. I just want to share some time with the people I consider my friends.

This girl I met on Halloween invited me to a party tonight, but I'm hosting Trivia Night in the Anti Lounge (which you should all go to btw) so even if I did go, it would be later. Not only that, since I'll be drinking, I'd need a ride home or assurace that I could crash there. Not sure what I should do. If I do go, i know Eric won't go, since he "wants to be in bed at a reasonable time" which for him is like 2am. Pisses me off sometimes. He'll say something like that, but always ends up going to bed 5 hours before he has to get up and then complains the next day after work that he's tired. No shit, Sherlock.

Oh speaking of Eric, he just texted me. Wow... it's about his birthday party tomorrow night. Good fucking God, he just doesn't get it sometimes. Is it bad that I almost don't wanna go? Man, why the fuck and I about to cry right now? I tried talking to him about getting together today, trying to work around his schedule.. sometimes I go to far too accomodate those I love. Yes, love. I know I'm already head over heels for this guy, but I won't say it out loud. I'm afriad of falling in love. I crave it and I fear it. Love, except the love I have recieved from my family, has only ever fucked me over in life. My own love has screwed me and love from others has knocked me on my ass.

I realize I swear a lot. Guess it's just living where I do. Sometimes I wonder if people think that me living in Los Angeles makes me a princess. Far from it. I've never had much. I live in a neighborhood where we are one of 3 white families. I play soccer with hispanic guys, carry a knife with me in case I'm confronted with another rapist in the neighborhood, and dream of living in a gothic mansion. I just want to have fun in life and I often feel as if I am unable to.

I wonder if I should even text him back. I probably will. I want to go out to this party tonight. This girl, Jola, is having a Big Lebowski Challenge. Basically it's to smoke and drink as much as The Dude does. I told her if I did come, I'd just drink. I don't smoke. Never have. It just doesn't interest me. It still leaves me the problem of how to get home afterwards. I wanna go out and do something. Maybe I'll go skating after Trivia. I haven't been to the rink in awhile. Maybe I'll just chill out with my mom. Knowing me, I'll probably end up in my room, alone and reading a book. I don't like to go out and do things by myself. I need companionship. I guess that's why I try to accomadate others as much as possible. In doing so, I hurt myself. It's an endless cycle that I can't escape from.

I still haven't texted him back. Guess I should go do that..