This hit me all of a sudden...dont you hate how one minute ur kind of content, you know something is bothering you but you cant put ur finger on it? Man I was just sitting here and i started crying....
I was sleeping earlier and I had this bad dream. It was about my wuela and its like i was re living the day she died and the day of her funeral. Im getting close to the dates where last year we were spending all our time in hospitals, not knowing that we were gonna lose her no less than 3 months later.
it seems like alot of people are getting sick and dying of cancer. Everytime i hear the word i wanna throw up. I know how it feels to watch someone die from that disease and it sucks...not only is it eating the person who has it but its eating at their loved ones. its a heartbreak...to me this heartbreak is worst than breaking up with that special someone who you thought was it. Your heart will eventually mend cause you knwo you can find soemone better. With my wuela dying that heartbreak is permanent and always hurts, NO ONE is ever gonna replace her and the love that we shared. And it is so damn sad to realize that you know.
This is why I hate getting close to people cause im afraid of them leaving me. Obviously one cant help but be close to their family, because no matter what family is family. But I dont let my friends to close no matter how much i adore them, cause sometimes they do dissapoint and hurt, and I dont let guys close to me cause sometimes they can be just as worse. I dont wanna hurt anymore and i dont want my heart broken anymore..its too much to handle...I think with losing my grandma it was my final straw. I dont really want anyone close to me....
A friend told me earlier that one day I will meet a guy that will love me and fill that void...Honestly that will NEVER happen. No matter how much I love this future guy or how much he loves me he will never fill the void in my heart. Its a harsh thing to say I know, but his love will be completely different form the love i shared with my wuela you know. I hope that made sense and someone can comprehend what im saying and where im coming from.
ahhhh God I feel like im all over this blog...not making any sense...my life makes no sense...I feel like a big cry baby...I wanna get over this and be better but im not sure how long its gonna take for me to understand and accept that she is gone...I dont think I ever will accept it...and thats my biggest problem...
Im tired of faking the smiles and the laughs and the happiness...Im not happy...not at all..its just a front...lets be honest...im not a happy person...happy people have twinkles in their eyes.....my twinkle died the day she did....dammit i hate feeling like this...I hate feeling like im having a pity party...cause im not...
alot of people dont comprehend when they say "dude you will be ok, its hard the first year is all" I know they mean well but they dont know what they are talking about. My wuela was my life, my best friend, another mom to me, she was my idol....there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled...shes gone from my life...she wont be there physically when i fall in love with the right man and decide to spend the rest of my life with him, she wont be there when i tell my family that im having a baby, she wont be there when i have my first baby, shes missing all my birthdays, all the holidays she loved, shes missing all her golf games, all her football and baseball games.....Theres no more.......
I wanna be happy....and its gonna take all my strength to make myself happy, the question is....DO i have that strength?????
