When Not To Call 911
This is something most people are taught in kindergarten, yet no one seems to be able to remember it. So, as a public service, I offer an elementary guide on when and when not to dial 911.
If someone is bleeding copiously, on fire, unconscious, or dead - CALL.
If someone just crashed into your house - CALL.
If someone has just driven past your house and shouted a rude word at you - DON'T CALL.
If your electricity has gone out - DON'T CALL. It's amazing how hard this is for some people to understand. What exactly do they think the police, EMTs, or firefighters are going to be able to do about their power being out? "Oh my god, we can't watch American Idol!!! Call 911, STAT!"
Moving on.
If you hear someone screaming, go ahead and CALL. But please try to tell us where the screaming is coming from!
If it's late at night and you're getting slaphappy from lack of sleep and you start to wonder if 911 really works - DON'T CALL. Trust me. It works. What, do you think Rescue911 was a sitcom?
If you're trying to program 911 into your speed dial, and then CALL to see if it's working - you're an idiot.
If it's 4 in the morning and you're drunk and you just watched Old Yeller and you're crying because the movie reminded you of a puppy you used to have until it was mauled to death in front of your very eyes by a rabid badger on a hunting trip when you were 7, and your wife just left you because you got fired from your job changing tires down at the truck stop and you can't afford to buy her acrylic nails and NASCAR commemoritive plates anymore and you just can't see any point in anything - CALL. We like to hear from people who have suckier lives than we do.
Yeah, I'm going to hell for that last remark.
If you just saw a guy sneaking into your neighbor's back yard and prying open a window - CALL NOW. There's no need to have a discussion with your wife, kids, in-laws, the mail carrier, and random passers-by as to whether they think that looks suspicious, and maybe somebody might need to check on that, and what do you think, Earline, d'ya think he might be up to somethin'? If you've waited an hour after seeing the guy leave with the neighbor's big screen TV, stereo, computer, and oldest daughter - CALL the NON-EMERGENCY NUMBER. Sheesh.
This next section is just for the kiddies.
If Mommy yelled at you for sneaking a cookie right before supper - DON'T CALL.
If Mommy smacked you over the head for sneaking a cookie - CALL.
If Daddy is lying on the floor and he won't wake up and he's making funny noises - CALL.
If Daddy is lying on Mommy and they're both awake and they're both making funny noises - DON'T CALL. Shut the door and go watch Spongebob.
If Brother is calling you names - DON'T CALL. Just kick him.
If Sister kicks you - DON'T CALL.
Of course, if you find yourself in a situation totally unlike anything I've outlined above, go ahead and CALL. We don't mind.
We'll just make fun of you after you hang up.
