September 08, 2006, 02:07:am
Well I came up with a subject to talk about tonight.
Men.
Yea, men have affected my goal in different ways. As they affect all women. And yes I know we women affect you males, so hush, this is my story dang it ;) rotflmao.
When I was thin, in my Army years, I was asked out a hell of a lot of times. Apparently I was desirable. Even had an incident where my gorgeous AIT friend and I were chased by dozens of men and that is NOT exagerating, we were so good looking. My fiance of that time nearly freaked lmao. Never ran so fast in my life lolol (too bad I can't post pix in here, lol I have pix of us that day). Lemme tell ya what, celebs have my total sympathy with that mobing crap. Been there, done that, never again! We were terrified even while it was exzilerating lol.
When I got home, I was still asked out but not nearly as much. You'd think I would have been the happiest, most confident purrson around huh. Nope, I believed I was a blimp and discusting looking. I was still being pressured to loose weight. I was 20 lbs over weight by doctor standards, 35 to 40 over by army standards. If you could see the pix of me back then, you can see I was a hell of a pretty girl, with sad, half dead eyes.
Then I started getting fat. Thats when things changed. Apparently the men in the area I live in, can not handle a tall, fat woman. I've given up finding a life mate (at least I did until this latest change in me started). Granted I did have a long engagement (4 years together) with a man from this area but after we split, the only guys interested in me were the ones I met online, I eventually withdrew completely into myself. Got hurt a couple times and now I control things.
I often ask myself now, Why couldn't I have controled things back then? Silly questions I ask myself, don't I.
I couldn't control things back then because I was the one being controled. I had to please. I had to give. I had to change. Its one thing to bend to someone for your own pleasure, but this was not for my pleasure at all.
WHOA, back the truck up and slam the brakes on those memories. I was foolish. I was so insecure it is sickening. Granted I still have insecurities but no where near like I did before.
Anywhoo, I felt so worthless as a human, I had to let others control my life for me. I had to bend to their quietly spoken critisizms. Crimeny I can feel the fire coming from my eyes at those memories. I had to give up who I was as a purrson to become something, someone, that I was never happy with. Now I will admit there was a couple positives, such as I can now go out without make up, but most of it wasn't good for me as a human. I was never hit, don't get me wrong. It was words that destroyed me.
Goddess help any man that would ever hit me. I was meek in all ways but 1. The 2 times one of my ex's raised a hand to me (and he was the only one stupid enough to), to push not hit, he got a full blast of this Katt's FURY. He even got pushed down the entire length of the hallway we were in last time he thoght of it, me up in his face pushing him hard as hell rotflmao. How ironic that someone who could totally change my life with words and destroy me as my own purrson, could never get away with hitting me. Words didn't hurt me.
So I thought.
Words can leave as horrid a scar as a physical beating. They can bring someone to their knees emotionally faster then being hit with a 2 by 4 hardwood board.
I think deep down, dang this is an apifany moment, as I've never faced this yet *sighs and keeps going even though I'm staarting to shake. I think deep down, the main reason I got so fat was not because of my mothers death (a major contributer but not main like I have always thought till this moment) but because what better way to keep men away. I'd grown so tired of being hurt, feeling useless, feeling I had lost myself as a purrson. I wanted to be in my own little world. Boy did I succeed at that.
Now don't get me wrong and think I think men are horrible and blame them. Far from it. It was my fault for letting it happen. Quite fun creatures lol. I've quite a few very dear friends that are male. 2 I've even begun to think of as brothers. My friends now, have helped erase quite a few of the bad memories I've had. Have helped me go from not being able to stand the thought of a mans touch to wanting a life mate again. And I bet they don't even know it ROTFLMAO.
I think part of me wants to loose the weight though so I can find a mate. Wrong of me, I know. Its a tiny part. I'm gonna loose this weight strictly for me though, which means this time I will succeed no matter how hard, no matter how frustrating, no matter how hellishly it gets. And it will get hellish lol.
As the song by Asia says, "Only Time Will Tell" how long it will be till I reach MY goal. Till I'm truely and utterly myself. Something I think I have never actually been.
There will be no more "mental" abuse done to me. The last male to do that to me was my dad, who died almost a year ago. I swore never again will anyone, specially men, bring me to my knees (unless of course its pure pleasure ROTFLMAO)
Now, anyone got any advice on how to convince myself I'm beautiful and actually mean it for myself? ROTFLMAO, hey I don't have all the answers ya know! I wanna help others but shoot I do still need some answers for myself too. LMAO
Goddess I love to laugh now and make people laugh ;)
More to be written later.
