September 03, 2006, 07:58:pm
Not really in the mood to write today but figured I better as its been a few days since last entry and I need to keep making myself do this so it becomes habit forming. All the ideas I had a couple nights ago have just poofed from my brain. So I guess I'll just do a little update on things and skip the life pondering moments this time. Knowing me though it will still turn out to be a long entery rotflmao@me. I love to write even when I don't feel like writting.
I was supposed to quit smoking 9-1-06. Was gonna do cold turkey. I failed miserbly. Well maybe I shouldn't say or feel that as I did cut down to about 1/4th a pack, which that itself is a good thing. I just don't feel like that, even though logically I know that is a plus and an improvement. Feelings and logic though are 2 different things.
I'm starting on my 2nd pot of coffee today in an attempt to frigging stop eating and hold off on urge to grab a cig. Crimeny I'm gonna gain all the weight I've lost back in a very short amount of time if I don't come up with something to stop this urge to eat soon.
Yeah, today isn't a peppy mood day for me. I'm gonna have days where what I write won't be all confidence and happy go lucky. Don't expect it because what I write is what I feel, be it good or be it blah or be it bad. No one has 100% good days. Sometimes writting makes me feel better, other times my net friends do. Today is way weird as both are helping some but not enough. I feel blah. Lost. Empty. Confused. Frustrated. Dang I gotta quit asking myself how else I feel or I'll have a paragraph just on my icky feelings. Oddly though, I feel all those but its not enough to make me feel like my old self. Dead inside. Its hard to explain in words. I have all these negative feelings but I don't feel dead, I don't want to die, I'm not shriveled up inside. I am alive. Thats a major improvment.
I am alive. I will continue to live. I will thrive. And I can do all that because its true for the first time in a very very very long time. If not my complete life.
Time to scoot. I got friends wanting to talk and books to find so I can get back into learning more about Shamanism and the trades of being ecclectic pagan.
More to be written later.
