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MONDAY'S JOKES
BLONDE JOKES
How do you confuse a blonde? No Need. They're born that way
How do you keep a blonde in suspense? (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
How do you keep a blonde busy? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? One
Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes? They take off their makeup
What's the ultimate embarrassment for a blonde? When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector
What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? Way to go team!
How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator? By the chipped tooth
Why do blondes have vaginas? So guys will talk to them at parties
What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?" "No, I just lie there."
******************************************************************** TUESDAY'S JOKES
BLONDE JOKES
How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengal's team? Just One... Boomer Esiason
What's brown and red and black and blue? A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes
What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards? She gets her ass chewed out
Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? She found out Big Ben is only a clock
Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe
Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry? Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them!
Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night
Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die
Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology? She'll blow your mind, too
Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye? Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match
******************************************************************** WEDNESDAY'S JOKES
BLONDE JOKES
Did you hear about the blonde who had an apendix operation? Well, now she is making money on the side
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to eat mountain oysters? She was dragged 200 yards
Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed? She wanted to see what she looked like asleep
Why won't a blonde drink beer at the beach? She's afraid to get sand in her Busch
Why do blondes wear tight skirts? To keep their legs together
What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? Divorced
How is a blonde like a postage stamp? You lick'm, stick'em, and send'em on their way
How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? There's white-out on the screen
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Blondes screw in back seats, not in light bulbs, silly
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once
******************************************************************** THURSDAY'S JOKES
BLONDE JOKES
How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? She has a checkbook
What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? The Panama Canal is a busy ditch
What's the difference between a blonde and a guy? The blonde has the higher sperm count
What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says "Are you done already?" The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
What is the difference between a blonde and a shower? A shower has to be turned on to get wet
How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece
What's the difference between a blonde and your job? Your job still sucks after 6 months
What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS? Lipstick
Why is a blonde like a turtle? They both get screwed up when they're on their back
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
******************************************************************** FRIDAY'S JOKES
BLONDE JOKES
Why do blondes always drink with straws? Practice
Why don't blondes double recipes? The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons
Why don't blondes eat bananas? They can't find the zipper.
What is the definition of the perfect woman? A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry" Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry
Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia...
How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? The joystick is wet.
What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
******************************************************************** SATURDAY'S JOKES
5 Tough Questions
The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is; "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes. c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - I sorry what did you say, I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: " Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not,dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed.
"******************************************************************** SUNDAY'S JOKE
Blonde Joke - Andy
A Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter.
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."
