September 12, 2006, 02:05:am
I guess tonights subject is gonna be set backs and frustration.
There is so much to be done before I have the surgery. I have to quit smoking completly and be smoke free 2 months before I can even see the surgeon. I also have to quit all caffiene completly before I see the surgeon. I also have to be doctor supervised weight tracking for 6 months, before I see the surgeon. Guess what folks? I got a lot to do before I see the surgeon lol. I think I'm gonna kick him in the tushie when I get to see the surgeon. Lmao, sorry, hadda amuse myself a bit there, thus the seeing surgeon thingymabobs.
I'm getting horribly sick and its frustrating me cause when I get sick (bad cold) I tend to eat more. I went crazy today and bought a crapload of junk food *cringes at my weakness but damn its tasted good so far. But I think I finally out chocolated and sugared myself (yea right lol). I better have anyway. I ate so much junk food today, I had to have gained back half of what I lost. But then again with as runny as my nose is and how much phlem I'm coughing up, I lost half of what I gained lol. Ok so maybe I'm only 1/4th of a gaining *smirk.
Humor folks, I gotta use it or I'm gonna loose it, and I'm not talking the weight this time.
I still havn't quit smoking 100% like I was gonna on the 1st. I'm pushing myself to make this pack last from friday until friday but I'm thinking it aint gonna happen. I have 6 cigarettes in this pack left and its only Tuesday early morning. I should be able to make them last all day. So fri, sat, sun, mon, and tues. 5 days not bad, Its better then 4! That means I should go from 2 packs in first week to 2 packs in week n half for 2nd round.
An improvement. I gotta keep reminding myself of that. I wanna curl up and cry right this moment, cause I failed, and go grab all the snack cakes and chocolate bars I bought today and eat the rest in one go. Cause I failed. But damn it I didn't!!
Why can't I feel good about what I've accomplished? I'm so torn right now. Logically I know I am improving. Cutting down so much on the cigs (I used to smoke a pack every 2 days, sometimes 1 pack a day but not very often luckily) and sticking to it this long (into 2nd week now) is good. People have even said so. Even with my eating for the most part, people have been telling me I'm doing better.
Why can't I feel good about it? I know why logically. Yeesh, I feel like Mr Spock (Star Trek) right now. Thinking logically not emotionally, while fighting off the emotions. *raises eyebrow at self (when I do the *action thing, I've actually done that while writting these lmao, hey I told myself I'm gonna be totally honest about things so might as well share the looks I give this monitor).
1 I'm off my meds for the OCD for 2 days (ran outta Rx and can't get refill till today or tomorrow) so I'm worried deep down about any reactions to that (usually I don't have a problem, I'm just so tense from being so sick and trying to make myself not eat like a hippo like normal when sick while telling myself I can wait another hour for that cig I've been wanting for a few hours now). I'm latching onto every little thing I can think of to keep my mind going.
2 I've been far too bored for too many days now. I'm not playing my normal game for this month cause I need a break and now I'm regretting it. I've few people to talk to lately cause so many of my friends are busy doing things. Not having everyone to talk to like normal is affecting me too. Which makes me feel pathetic.
Anywhoo, I'm thinking through my fingers and totally got lost cause I hadda go potty hehehe.
So needless today, I'm totally frustrated with myself. I ate like a frigging hippo and trying hard to not berate myself. Oddly enough, while I'm feeling quite low about myself, I still wanna make someone giggle, even if its just myself.
You know what that tells me folks?
I"M GONNA MAKE IT DAMN IT! I'm not crying. I'm not punching myself (I'll explain that eventually when I go into some sort of self abuse talk but not tonight). I don't even have the old urges to beat myself up physically when berating myself. I feel miserble, frustrated and slightly angry at myself but I'm not wanting to hurt myself. In fact I wanna make myself laugh. THAT in of itself is one of the hugest steps forward I have done yet and damn it I wanna cry in relief lol.
I wanna cry cause I feel alive still. Even with as bad as today is. I feel alive. WHOOHHOOO.
Now where the hell are the smokes and candy bars? LMAO Yes I'm gonna go smoke a half or even a whole cig but I'm gonna drink a big cup of cold water instead of eat lol. I comprimised with myself lol.
More to be written later.
